Just need help

[Laurenlexi33]

I’m dealing with extreme anxiety panic and just all round uneasy. At the moment. I have a finance and a 17 month daughter.
my fiancé has been laid off work ( we don’t qualify for benefits) and the work load now has been put all on me. I have been carrying us financially for years on and off, his had hard a rough time securing employment. At the moment our relationship in the past 6 months has deteriorated, he has becomes extremely selfish, has been gambling, sleeping all day and is no help to me at all. I feel like im working for nothing, then I look at my Daughter and it breaks my heart. I’m struggling with sleeping, eating and having this constant feel of worry and anxiety/panic

his ruining us financially and I believe I am being financially abused. He got access to Some money and spent it all on himself. He also gaslights me when we fight he puts a lot of the blame on me , he has lied about things and says it’s my fault for being a nag or complaining and worrying about money . And even stole money I stashed away for emergency this was a few months back. I absolutely don’t trust him! The trust is broken

god only knows what he does that I don’t know about.

before all this he was a loving attentive partner , romantic even. Him being off work on and off through the past years has changed him. We have a massive morgage and that burden has now landed on me.
I worked up until 39 weeks pregnant, and had to rerun to work when she was 6 months old coz he couldn’t find secure work. We don’t hug , kiss or show any signs of love. But he will ask for sex. It makes me sick

I am hating my life , I hate the way i feel inside. I hate that i feel trapped.
i Feel like I have been ripped off in being a mum having to work Heavy hour weeks.
I’m exhausted and just every part of me physically and emotionally Is broken.
to leave isn’t easy, as I can’t handle the thought of being away from my small child that also gives me extreme anxiety and fear.
anyway I just needed a vent, and whoever is reading this I appreciate it x

[ecomama]

Dear LL

You can Google whatever is in italics and have a read.

I saw alot more evidence of the "cycle of violence" in your replies to therising and myself.

You even mentioned this being 'a cycle' and indeed it is. There are many patterns to his behaviours and his are pretty text book. Going from job to job is another red flag, pretty text book there too.

Also your behaviours as the 'victim' are becoming clear. Making excuses for his behaviours is one clear thing victims do, you list lots and the list is getting longer.
Always and I say always the victims end up twisting themselves in knots whilst the abuser pulls the strings.

He is not a child. Acting like one but I'm assuming he's of adult age.
It's not your problem that he's bored, I've never heard such rot.

Gosh you own your own home and have a child, there are a billion things he could be constructively doing to make this time pass to benefit the family.
He chooses not to.
He could learn how to cook, operate the washing machine etc.

Don't buy into the excuses. Nope. He's not an entirely different person when he's working, it's just that these behaviours you're seeing are not masked as easily.

As you said he's selfish. Yep he's that also.

You need to make some drastic changes to the way things are, and the reasons you came to BB or else things will always go from bad to worse.

Gambling can be and is an addiction for so many. It's a very serious addiction indeed!
Extremely damaging.
Along with alcoholism. (Throw in any others too there ofcourse).

IMO reducing the mortgage will just allow him to gamble more money.

Even if you're not married, exactly the same Laws apply. Except for divorcing ofcourse.

Good luck with any actions you take, if you take any.

EM xx

[Laurenlexi33]

Hi Em,

I read what you wrote I think 10 rims over and over and each time I did, it made more and more sense.
his behaviour is unacceptable, and although he Has done some things

( maintenance) jobs during this time the minute those things are over, so is the attitude.
I shouldn’t be making excuses for him, he is a grown adult , just very selfish and can only see his own problems.
I do need to make drastic changes , I am afraid to do them as I’ve mentioned leaving , I don’t want to have times without my daughter.
I also have ptsd from a previous relationship which was physically abusive and ended up going through the high courts for years. I ended up in a psych ward after that all ended. The though for obvious reasons terrifies me.... as there is a small innocent child who is my world.
And he would be the type to play dirty.

the gambling is very addictive, and there have been spouts of going at it flat out , to none at all.
never gambled a cent in our rship before all this. ( again am I making a excuse)

I just don’t know if this can fixed , it the trust can be built.
he is currently being more attentive to our daughter as I have made myself less available and put the responsibility on him.
I am not reducing the morgage , only just paying the minimum, as that’s all I can afford to keep us here.

the going from job to job... huge red flag. Agree, and I find it selfish that he can’t secure these jobs for the sake of his family and my mental health.

now with covid I don’t know how long this will go for , and what options I can do or take.

i thank you em for your support and upmost honesty!

LL xx

[therising]

Hi Laurenlexi33

It can definitely be hard when we're questioning our partner's behaviour and what we're reading isn't altogether clear

• Is my partner a stubborn narcissist or has he found himself stuck in a depression or a low he's unable to acknowledge? 'Nup, there's nothing wrong with me!'
• Does my partner enjoy being an addict (drugs, alcohol, gambling etc) or does he not know how to live? For example, does he have a brain that craves excitement but doesn't know how to gain excitement in constructive fulfilling ways?
• Is my partner lazy when it comes to holding down a job or does he find it difficult working for other people? Maybe there is a legitimate issue when it comes to tolerating co-workers or bosses. Personally, I have a friend who admits he simply can't work for others. This is why he successfully runs his own business. From a different angle, are the jobs unfulfilling? Is he yet to find his thing he vibes well with? You'll have some folk who can stick with a job they hate for years before they quit. Then they can go onto another job they hate, before quitting years later. Such a person may only have 4 jobs in their lifetime, yet the truth remains they barely tolerated them. The jobs were all depressing. Another person will know straight away they don't like a job, they'll leave to go onto the next one. They refuse to suffer and won't waste any time. They can try 10 different jobs or roles in a 5 year period before they find the one they love. It's in their nature to not waste time in suffering. Of course, in this case there are consequences under certain circumstances, such as not having a regular reliable income in union with their partner
• This one's a bit quirky: Does my partner have a solid identity or do they not know how to identify their self? What I mean by this is...you can have a partner who always believes they're right based on them identifying strongly with their beliefs. Eg: 'I believe I don't need a job to be happy. I believe I don't need to have regular sleep patterns. I believe I don't need to manage my self because there's nothing wrong with me'. Compare that with 'I don't know why I can't find a satisfying job. I can't recognise the benefits of good sleep hygiene. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know who I am anymore'.

So, I suppose, the challenge in this case is to figure our who your partner really is. By the way, I am also challenged to question a lot of my husband's behaviours. It's an eyeopening process.

🙂

[geoff]

Hi Lauren, I was so intrigued by a comment you made and please excuse me for mentioning it 'he would be the type to play dirty', so I'm wondering whether your trust has been broken, because when you ask an alcoholic how many drinks they've had, they will not tell you the truth, as I said before the same applies to a gambler.

I can't tell you what to do but can you transfer all the direct debits over to an account you can only handle and leave the joint account for the mortgage, it's hard to know exactly how much he is using to gamble and no one could ever take your daughter away from you because they're a punter.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Laurenlexi33]

Hi again Geoff

100% trust has been broken and that’s isn’t from just the gambling here and there. Hid definitely done things That I struggle to forgive and forget.

and yes I am going to transfer the direct debts I think it’s the best way to move forward for now.

when I mean take my daughter

I mean basically him just having the rights to be with her , see her ect. I don’t think I can handle that being she’s still so little.

thanks Geoff

[Laurenlexi33]

Hi therising

thanks for your response

I think that’s the most exhausting part... is he a narcissist or like you said stuck in a depression of mental health himself.
he is extremely stubborn

I think he is someone who has to have purpose, needs to be doing something constructive otherwise this is when this behaviour tends to creep in.

he definitely isn’t lazy with work that I can say with 100% confidence. Unfortunately for him the jobs his had, he left one to go to a better high paying job , and that failed.
then went to another company worked there for awhile and then they let him go as the company wasn’t doing well. His in construction btw.
then he went to work for a labour hire company, in March this year he stated

things were great, then the pandemic slowed the work down that now has eventually gone to nothing. Still employed just not working. Heis a hard worker on the jobs and is extremely physical can just go go go.

but yes, to your last comment, finding out who he really is I have gained insights through these troubled times. How he handles things ect. And im sure there’s more to uncover.
My biggest issues as I’ve mentioned to Geoff is trust , I question everything in my mind what’s the truth what’s a lie.
he broke the trust and I struggle with gaining it back. Especially when things are already Rocky.

thanks for your reply x

LL

[therising]

Hi Laurenlexi33

The trust aspect is definitely a biggy. I believe trusting our partner to make the best, most constructive decisions for the relationship and for the family unit largely comes down to taking responsibility (including responsibility for their own actions). The ability to respond to what is needed in the way of moving forward is typically what gives a relationship its strength. To have lost trust in our partner can equate to losing faith in them, in some ways. I've discovered this for myself in my own relationship.

The challenge becomes about developing greater faith in our self, the kind that says we can handle what comes our way, the kind that says we can trust in our intuition.

🙂

[Laurenlexi33]

Completely agree, and My gut and intuition tells me he cannot he trusted. He will always be a liar in my eyes , he will always do things shifty to Benift himself especially when it comes to money. It’s been caught and seen to many times.
I hope your relationship is good and better then mine.
he absolutely exhausts me. We sit in the same room and may as well be in different country’s. The only communication is baby stuff, when I’m going to work , just the basic shit.
feels dead to me. Sad but true