I find that sometimes posting helps. It’s anonymous and I don’t feel like I’m reaching out for attention, I don’t want anyone to know who I am, I can just take a breath a little easier knowing that maybe, someone will read this.
I’ve been battling for a while. I’m 29 and I fell in love for the first time. I’ve had plenty of relationships before, but I’ve never let down walls until this one. I made huge mistakes, because I’ve never known what it means to put another person first. I want to talk about being a people pleaser. Because I’ve learned over the past 6 months that people-pleasing, although it seems to be selfless, can be narcissistic.
You’re hiding who you really are, and drawing a picture of your personality based on the way you ‘service’ others.
I had a hard childhood. I never learned who I was, because authenticity was severely punished. And after years of suppressing my authentic self as a way to establish safety, I lost her. And I didn’t even realise until now.
my beautiful girlfriend deserved so much more than she got. I had the best intentions, it was never about wanting to cause hurt. But after years of microanalysing the tiniest changes in circumstance, I couldn’t break the cycle.
maybe this doesn’t make sense, but the point is that I say one thing, and mean it entirely. But then do another. I feel like a chameleon who’s constantly evolving to meet the expectations of other people, when they’re not even asking me to. And so it’s made me unstable, inconsistent, and honestly, it’s made me seem like a liar.
breaking the pattern of people pleasing felt impossible before I met her. And I have fumbled and effed it up with my family. They were almost practise runs of learning to assert myself. But I’ve hurt people, because nobody knows what to expect of me. And I don’t know who I am.
I’ve never felt so alone, I don’t have a single family member that I’m in contact with, and not a single friend in this country. And I’ve done it to myself. Because I have no idea how to maintain healthy relationships.
im really low at the moment and it doesn’t feel like there’s any brightness in the future. I’ve spent the last three days crying and panicking. I’m trying desperately to find somewhere to live, and in the meantime I spend the entire day and night in my car by the waterfront because it makes me feel closer to her. But it’s not fair. I shouldn’t be camping out in her suburb. I effed it up, and she deserves to not have the idea of bumping into me somewhere making her uneasy. I want the best for her, complete safety.
I’m moving into a share house tomorrow, it’s a bit further away. But I have no idea what my life is going to look like in the next days or weeks. I’m so miserable, and so so heartbroken. And it’s all my fault
