Is it time to walk away?

[wistful64]

Married for over 30 years. I didn't have the best of childhood as my mum was constantly depressed, angry, threatening to leave my dad constantly and they fought terribly and hubby seemed the opposite. At first he was charming and loving but had mood swings, frustration if things didn't go his way, silent and giving off waves of anger. From early on he was a flirt and found those women who "took it the wrong way" Many arguments over the years where he told me I was crazy and that he hadn't done anything wrong and it wasnt his fault. Over the years there were many women who came into our lives that way. Just before 30 year anniversary things went downhill when I though he was having an affair and I confronted him. There had been a women in our life when our boys were little that he called "crazy" but she had entwined herself in our lives and would ring me and tell me that they had been together. At the time and over the years I had questioned him again about her but he kept denying it and saying I was just a jealous person that needed help. So when I thought it was happening again (after some counselling), this time I called him out. Eventually he confessed in marriage therapy that he had had the affair 20 years ago but wasnt having an affair now but that because our relationship was so bad he had turned to pornography (which had always been an issue between us as he had told me that unable to find me attractive any more and needed the porn.)

I have tried for 4 years now to get over this but I still feel the need to constantly check what he is up to as he still covers up what he is doing rather than discuss things. I don't like who I have become and this constant fear of whether I will find out that he is lying again. I used to be scared that he would leave me but now I am scared that he will stay. I wake up in the night thinking of a life without him and it no longer scares me - does that mean it is time to move on? I don't know whether it is in us to get over this and I don't know that I want to spend my life waiting for another women to come along or worse still, for the pornography to start again (he became angry and aggressive with it and affected work and kids. When we are alone together we have a lovely time together with shared interests but as soon as a third person enters our sphere it is that same old feeling of fear, anger,hurt and if he gets upset he then stonewalls.

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

[Bee1998]

Hi wistful64,

I want to start off by saying how sorry I am for what you’re currently experiencing. I can see by your post how much this affects you. As I am not currently in your position, I cannot give you a direct answer, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and there are people out there that care, a lot. From what you have said in your post, it sounds an awful lot like your partner does not deserve you. In saying that, it’s never easy to just walk away, (I know this all too well). When you love someone, you question yourself in regards to how you could just give up so easily and walk away. But if you have been imagining a life without him, and the thought of that makes you feel happy , even for a second, then my best advice to you is to let him go. Of course the heart break process will feel impossible to cope with, but in the long run, it sounds as if you would be much better off. You deserve to live a happy and meaningful life, without any interruptions and chaos. I hope happiness and peace finds your way in the near future. All the best -B xx