In-house Seperation

[Lang3]

A lot has happened during our 10 yrs of marriage and 15 yrs if being together.

Before our wedding there was an issue with my wife and my parents. This red never really sorted out. On our wedding night there was a huge argument and for the next ten we didn't see it speak to my parents this has left a huge place in our lives and has had a big effect on me

we have 4 children all under 8 whilst happy in our marriage I have always found it hard to talk about my feeling towards the wedding issue let say a cloud that we never really spoke of

18 months ago i gained a promotion at work and changed jobs

during this time my wife had had some health issues breaking her leg 3 weeks after the birth of number 4 and then mid last year she found a lump in her breast. Whilst the outcome was always positive this had an effect on my wife during this time out communication dropped off

Unfortunately during this time I began communicating better with a collegue

at first I thought I didn't think anything of it until she told me she had feelings for me (also married) which I reciprocated. We only saw each other a couple of times after but sent a lot of messages

my wife discovered this after about three weeks for what ever reason I couldn't cut the communication with her and it when on for another 3 months until i finally said I need to work it out with my wife

after the discovering the affair my wife wanted to work it out and make us work at the time i didn't know what I wanted

after the initial discovering I opened up about missing my family etc we have since had some contact with them very strange at the moment my wife still wants nothing to do with them

problem now is my wife and I are in an in-house separation and my wife doesn't know what she wants she keep taking about seeing other people and she wants to be happy

I am really paranoid about her leaving me for someone else

I want our marriage to work but I think it is too late

we have and still are involved in marriage councilling both together and individual

I know I did the wrong thing but I feel everything wrong with our marriage is my fault

how do I get my wife to try again and how do we find the love for each other

I am struggling with it all and find it hard to talk to friends etc due to the fact of what I did I'm embarrassed about for both my wife, kids and I

support required

lang3

[Lang3]

Hey. Just feeling writing about the problems I am having is helping. Am going to try and do regular reflections to help and see how we go.

Had a good chat today with friends going to try and back off from letting her know his I feel etc feeling I got from friends was that she was finding that hard will see how that goes will still be nice and kind to her give her the space she needs and hopefully she will see what I want

going to increasey exercise in the coming weeks to distract me and give me positive thoughts.

Luckily work is going well

thanks

lang3

[Lang3]

Had a good day today. Spent the morning with friends which was great. Took my mind off a lot the things that happening.

Kept myself busy during the afternoon watched a movie with the kids the wife has gone to a friends house for the evening I find the time when I'm alone the paranoid thoughts come back

I have fallen in love with my wife and see why I fell in love with her when we met

really working hard at the positive thought and breathing when the paranoia sets in

I can only control my behaviour I can't control hers

lang3

[Lang3]

Evening. had some panick attacks yesterday with some negative self talk about things

wrote down a number of topic points I wanted to speak to her about she wasn't interested in discussing but I kept calm and made some points she did say she is still unsure as to her direction if she wants to work on the marriage or completely out i took this as I'm still a chance

the waiting game is hard with her wanting privacy and seceracy this is when I panic the most then it knowing I don't think she would but it will hurt if she did I have so much understanding as to what I put her through and it makes me feel awful as to how much I have hurt her

well still a chance

lang3

[Lang3]

It has been a difficult week.

I am so unsure as to what will happen. She is been very secretive with her phone and times when she is out of the house. she want space and privacy. I find this hard as thinking that she is seeing someone. Unsure if she is or not.

I just want some hope or the truth about what she wants. Very hard living separated under the same roof. At times it feels we are still together laughing and talking. Then nothing.

She doesn't really want to talk about the situation at all. It has been. Early 3 months now. Surely she would have a good idea one way or the other.

What time frame do you put on this? I know I have hurt and was wrong in what i did. I unsure as to what else I can do to show her how I feel. I'm excercising, cooking cleaning helping out with the kids etc. trying to engage in conversation about anything and telling her I am proud of her etc.

the questions about us stress her out. I just want some answer. I haven't slept full night for nearly three months. Anxiety and paranoia kick in when I wake in the middle of the night.

Gp appointment for a referral to a psych this week. Hoping speaking to someone else will be good.

I have fallen back in love with my wife and know we can be happy. I just neeed her to see that.

Lang3

[Zeal]

Hey Lang,

Sorry you haven't had any responses in a month! Sometimes there are so many forum threads being created that some can accidentally slip under the radar.

I think it's fantastic that you've been working on improving your personal situation, as well as spending more time with your kids. The increased physical activity and abstinence from alcohol is also great. You can be proud, as these lifestyle changes can have a meaningful impact.

Right now I can't think of any specific advice to give you. I must say that living in the same house with the woman you love, without being able to express that physically or emotionally, must be tough. The fact that you haven't slept well in three months is concerning. This GP appointment is coming at a good time. I am really glad you are seeking out support, and plan to get a referral to a psychologist. Good on you!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Lang3]

Zeal. Appreciate the response.

Actually finding writing it on here really helps and if others are reading and responding even better.

Looking forward to the gp tomorrow and getting it back on track to see a pysch is a good feeling.

Still same as normal in the house. Find the weekends difficult. Watched our kids concert together and it felt nice to sit and watch our children perform and look normal in front of others. No one would know any difference. I did speak to her about it briefly the other night about giving it a go but she again shut the conversation down quickly.

I am getting to a point where I feel it may be best to leave to see what will happen. The kids are a major factor in staying. Birthdays and Christmas around the corner. Not the best time to break the family up.

The stress we are. It's feeling is showing in our interactions with the kids. We aren't that happy around them and they can see it and are pushing us.

When I get angry at the kids I get extremely upset as they aren't the reason for my sadness.

I can't change the past but I know I am Woking hard on improving myself for a better future. Just hope my wife see it and gives us another chance to prove I am different person to the one I was 6-12 months ago.

How long do you live with the pain of my actions and the stupid decisions i made?

Just some hope and a chance to show her.

Thanks

Lang3

[Apollo_Black]

Did you check out Athol Kay?

[Lang3]

Apollo black

have had a look at his stuff. Interesting but not sure if our marriage is at that stage.

His bit about passive and active trust was interesting. 6 months ago my wife was very much active trust and now she is passive and I am the opposite. Every time she goes out I think the worst she is seeing someone etc. she does tell me little bits but not much. This is hard.

Very difficult times. Got a referral today to a psychologist. On the waiting list for an appointment. I think i will get one in the next week or two.

We had a good day today. Got off to work calmly and then she had left or lunch at home and i went out of the way and dropped it off. Did feel awkward in her office. Her work colleagues were a bit stand offish towards me. I felt like I was this bad person. My wife said she felt it too when I told her how it felt.

Thanks fur reding.

Lang3

[Lang3]

I think it has come to the point where we both need to sit down and work out what we want. One way or the other.

I have asked her to sit down with me and talk about it. I also asked her best friend to be in on the conversation as a mediator type person. She understand the situation pretty well and can see both sides of the arguments.

We are tearing each other apart. I love her and want to be with her but the not knowing is eating me up.

I plan to tell her that and let her know again I want to work it out. I propose to see what she says. if she is still unsure then I would like her to commit to two months of trying and then see what happens. If she is done tell me and we can make plans that we both agree on. At least that way I know what it happening.

Good chat with my brother and he thinks that fact I'm still in the house etc she still has feelings for us and our marriage. I hope he is right.

Is this the best way to go unsure. I need the answers. It has been nearly a year since this all started.

I love her and will keep fighting until I know she doesn't want it.

Thanks.

lang3

[Apollo_Black]

I strongly suggest you get legal advice