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Im so confused by what hes doing

lilly07
Community Member

Hello . I really hope someone will be able to help me. Ive been dating a great guy for about 8 months. He has clinical  depression and anxiety.  His way of coping is to cut me off for a few days ,when hes ready he gets back in touch and we have got back on track .On monday he said he wanted to try living together, he said if i didnt want the same ,he wanted to finish our relationship. I do love this man and said i was open to this move forward. He told me for the first time that he loved me. He was going to come round tomorrow  to talk about our future.  I sent him a txt today  saying "thankyou for loving me , i love you too". He messaged me several hours later saying he didnt love me and could only now offer friendship. I know he has trust issues with women because of a 30year marriage  that came to an end a couple of years ago.His ex wife left him for someone he knew. I dont know what to do, my heart is breaking . Hes told me to leave him alone.  

15 Replies 15

lilly07
Community Member
Hello  JessF.  Yes I agree. He has told me that a couple of his close friends have told him in the past with his ex wife  he has issues with being controlling.  I've thought that maybe it was to do with his depression.  To keep control. 

pipsy
Community Member

Hi there, lilly.  I can't help but agree with Jess on this one.  He sounds as though it's his way or the highway.  He has past issues with an ex.  If you were to live with him, and you have a disagreement, does he 'walk out' because he thinks he's not getting his own way?  Alarm bells are really clanging on this.  It could be as Jess said, depression makes him have to be in charge.  He says he wants to live with you, then reneges, I would stay exactly as you are.  Be friends (if you want to), but keep your options open.  He's unstable and needs help.  You are too close to be objective.  When someone goes to counselling, the counsellor can help them decide because they're not emotionally involved.  You're emotionally involved and don't want to say or do anything to hurt him, that's completely understandable.  I'm not trying to upset you, please don't be offended.  Suggest in as nice a way as possible, that you both 'step back' till he's sure about what he wants.  Don't be so eager to 'fall in' with whatever he wants to do just to please him.  You have feelings too.  

You need to be with people who understand what you're feeling so you won't feel 'left out'.  Whatever happens, I hope it's right for you and him. 

lilly07
Community Member
Thank you so much , Pipsy. Your words have helped me make a decision  in the direction  i want to take. 

Jazzie52
Community Member
I'd respect his wishes and leave him be- I have no doubt he'll be back. When depressed making decisions is near nigh impossible- he needs time and friendship first I believe. And don't take the burden of his depression on your shoulders- sure you can listen and empathize- but don't listen to self pity or pull him up on it- it's the most soul destroying thing to be in that "poor me" cycle. He has a clinical illness that has many different treatment options. Before a serious relationship the depression should be well under control. My thoughts as a 20 year sufferer of depression- now well controlled. Blessings. 

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Lilly, I have to agree with Jess and Pipsy, because if he is controlling now, I can only imagine what he would be like if say you were married or lived together permanently.

Usually when someone is depressed they wouldn't even have the strength to be controlling or couldn't even be bothered. L Geoff. x

 

lilly07
Community Member
Thank you to everyone who replied to this post for me. I have this morning had a text from him asking me for space  so he can sort out what he wants in his life. So I will step back and take this time to think about what I want and need in my  life  too. x