I struggle to see anything good to come..
I feel my life started on it's downhill run close to 3 years ago when my Dad suffered a major stroke and heart attack and was then diagnosed with a rare thyroid cancer. My Family and I were told by the Doctor on a scale of 1-20. 1 being good and 20 being bad. It was a 20. The cancer took my Dad from me and my family in 4 months. He passed away 3 hours after my birthday as I slept on the floor next to his bed.
during these 4 months my Nanna (my dad's mum) also passed away.
i went to the hospital and hospice every night and couldn't leave until my Dad was asleep because I didn't want him to feel alone. full time job at 10 hrs a day plus weekends.
Wake up next day, and repeat!
i then turned to substance abuse to escape the reality of my life which quickly turned into a need just to be able to function normally. None of my friends or family are aware of my addictions. I feel quite ashamed of myself and embarrassed.
Exactly to the day 1 year later my Mum was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with Cancer. She underwent massive operations and spent weeks in intensive care.
during this time my Grandma (my Mum's Mother) passed away.
and also during this time I was given no choice but to have my beautiful dog Lucy put down as she had kidney and liver problems. she was my best mate.
my partner who I have been with now for about 4 years now suffers from some mental health. We had some HUGE arguments which would involve her hurling abuse at me about how my family operates, her frustrations with it, and everything and anything I was doing wrong or not good enough. There were times I would come home from the hospice and be crying over my Dad and she would be screaming at me and tell me to 'stop crying'. Our relationship has been falling apart for so long now. She just told me today she wants to break up.
My Mum has just started her 4th series of chemotherapy.
The chemo will not cure her Cancer. It's only prolonging her life. So I know what I have coming anytime soon. as much as that scares me it's whats after which also scares me.. Lonliness. The security and love only a parent can provide won't be there for me anymore..
i don't know what to achieve from this but I'm trying to accept I may need help or I'm not coping well.
Thanks for reading if you got this far..
Digger, hi there
And welcome to Beyond Blue and really, thank you so much for coming here and providing this post.
Oh boy, times have sure been MORE than tough for you – been bloody tragic really.
I think it’s a very positive step that you’ve taken in being able to come here and post – and often times it can be just the thing that a person needs, to just be able to write things down (type things down) and get some thoughts and issues out of the head.
I honestly think that with all that you’ve been through so far with the four very sad deaths that you’ve had to endure; your Dad, your Nanna, your Grandma and yes, even your much loved and adored, Lucy, those would all rock you to the core. And not sure about you, but for me, when another death happens, as awful and as tragic as that is, it seems to be worse for me, because it also opens up the wounds of the previous deaths I’ve had to experience and so it somehow compounds things to be much worse.
You’ve also got big time problems with your relationship and to be told that she wants to break up with you – that’s a whole new chapter of pain and hurt for you. Mind you though, if she’s been hurling abuse at you, telling you to stop crying over you Dad, then in my books, that’s not on – and mental health or not, she should not be saying such things. In fact, for all the people I have dealt with who have a mental health condition, they are the most charitable, loving, supporting and giving people I’ve ever come across – which would have made me think that she would have been way more supportive of you through your grieving processes. Oh well, I guess we’re all different, aren’t we.
I think you could be right – it might well be a good time to seek out some professional support – not only with your grief, and your potential loss of relationship, but also it might be good to try and confront things with regard to your substance abuse, IF you feel that this is something you would want to do?
Would love to hear back from you.