Relationship and family issues

Anger towards the in-laws

replies: 1

Hubby and I have had a falling out with the in-laws. He was extremely close with his family, which comprised of his mother, father and 6 kids. I got on really well with the in-laws and we were all quite close and spent quite a bit of time together, e... View more

Hubby and I have had a falling out with the in-laws. He was extremely close with his family, which comprised of his mother, father and 6 kids. I got on really well with the in-laws and we were all quite close and spent quite a bit of time together, even when hubby and I were having problems in our marriage. Last year hubby realised that he was going to have to pick me over his family or our marriage wasn't going to last. And this was when all the conflict started. His family is extremely enmeshed and we had a hard year due to all the conflict. His mother tried to manipulate him over and over, told him that he wasn't happy, that I was the cause of his unhappiness, that I was the problem. She lied about me and bad-mouthed me to hubby and the rest of the family (relatives included) and told everyone that I was the cause of their family breakdown. Hubby stood up for me all the way and she didn't like that. She got the rest of the kids involved and manipulated them too. As a result, hubby had his siblings criticising everything we did. She lied about how things happened and eventually hubby ignored everyone. The whole family was against us and I was also pregnant with my first child at the time. Our marriage took a huge toll and hubby suffers from anxiety because of his family, how we let them control and dictate everything we did. Hubby lost his job (they had a family business), we lost our house that we co-owned with my in-laws (they forced us to sell due to 'financial pressure'), and we've had to start again. So we went on with our life. We recently reconnected with my mother-in-law and father-in-law just so that they could meet our son for the first time. Since March this year, his mother, sister and brother have kept in contact with nice texts etc. His mother texts him every week and hubby texts back nicely as well. I want to be at peace with the in-laws. If I could choose, I hope to never see them or hear from them again. But hubby feels like he owes them something. It makes me angry that they make nice and make an effort with hubby thinking that that's enough to be in hubby's life and be in our baby's life. They pretend I don't exist (from the texts to hubby you can tell) and to me that's really disrespectful. I want my anger towards them to go. But it's not easy. I want to support hubby, but I have different feelings towards this.

Has anyone else felt like my husband does?

replies: 6

Hi everyone, this post is for my husband. A bit of background, he suffers from depression, he can have a short fuse and be really mean when in a temper. He can also be loving, thoughtful and happy and fun to be around. He needs a lot of affection all... View more

Hi everyone, this post is for my husband. A bit of background, he suffers from depression, he can have a short fuse and be really mean when in a temper. He can also be loving, thoughtful and happy and fun to be around. He needs a lot of affection all the time, generally our marriage is good, we have been together 10 years and have an 18 month old daughter. Our problem that keeps happening is when he feels he isnt getting enough affection he becomes deeply resentful and angry very quickly. Though we cuddle and spend time together every night and our sex life is usually satisfactory for both of us, but when he doesnt get the oral sex he "needs" to feel loved he becomes resentful, sulky, angry, withdrawn and has thoughts of wanting to cheat to get his needs met. Most of the time he gets what he needs but he cant at the moment because im sick and its been 2 weeks, in that time he's had other ways to relieve himself (which includes sex) but it isnt good enough. He wont sleep, he literally stays up all night doing random things and keeping himself and me awake (normally he is a very good sleeper). In the past when this has happened i have just had to give in and do what he needs to get my own peace and sleep, no matter my own personal circumstances of not wanting/being able to do it. Even with him understanding my reasons of not being able to give him what he needs right when he wants it his behaviour is still like this. He says he doesnt understand his thoughts himself, but he says he feels unloved and angry towards me because im not giving him enough affection. He knows his behaviour is unfair and knows I shouldnt have to give oral sex right when he wants it but he cant get past his feelings of anger and resentment. It then creates my own anger because I feel like I have no choice but to do what he wants, when he wants and then its the last thing i feel like doing and especially at a time when Im not feeling my best. I have a chest infection so cant breath properly and cough all the time, its just not possible to give him what he needs, and nothing else is good enough, not even sex because that in itself is a source of stress for him because he then has pressure to satisfy me. My question is has anybody experienced feelings like this? does anyone have any suggestions how he could overcome/control them better, or even just to understand whats going on with him?

Communicating to my wife better

replies: 2

Hi, I'm currently listening to a marriage audio book called 'His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley'. It talks about the differences between men and women and how to bridge the gap between them to grow healthier ... View more

Hi, I'm currently listening to a marriage audio book called 'His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley'. It talks about the differences between men and women and how to bridge the gap between them to grow healthier stronger relationships. This has always been a personal aim for life and my children. We encourage open dialogue regarding feelings to encourage better communication skills. This however doesn't seem to reciprocate onto my wife and I. Basically I feel like this: I have a wife who I love and cherish, but when I try to speak my mind or how I feel these discussions always fall on deaf ears. If I sit around being a family man, helping with the kids, assisting in the house where I can then all things are fine. I give her compliments, buy her flowers, we have great sex when we have it and generally it looks like a great harmonious relationship. BUT, if I want to have a deep and connected discussion about my feelings then that's shunned, avoided, even fallen asleep on. I sound like a woman here after listening to this audio book because I am actually looking for a deeper relationship that is connected at a level that is built on understanding each other not just doing what she wants! That last statement sounds selfish but I have stood by and given her the things that she cried and screamed for, more children, she has 4 of them now and it actually seems like she has what she wants and now I am the accessory on the side line that must just been seen and not herd because that is almost a demodulating quality for her and she can't deal with a man not having his 'stuff' together. She seems to be only happy with a rosy relationship that ticks the boxes that she has in her head. There have been improvements and I am positive that she after about 4 years of almost begging for change that she actually is starting to listen, but there is no feedback. It's just silence and staring. I recently made plans to assist the family with having what she wants and put into motion the steps needed so that she and the kids would be looked after but then she started to connect ever so slightly so I stopped the plan. This audio book has highlighted my deepest fears that we are not connected on a deeper level but only superficial ornaments wearing the hat of husband and wife. I have asked repeatedly to go to concealing but she won't. She won't even contend the idea that perhaps she might actually be doing something wrong. Any help plz

A sudden and unresolved break up

replies: 1

I am currently finding it very stressful getting over a relationship. Throughout the relationship she was always very back on forth in what she told me. She would say she wanted a realtinship and then go completely in the opposite direction (yet alwa... View more

I am currently finding it very stressful getting over a relationship. Throughout the relationship she was always very back on forth in what she told me. She would say she wanted a realtinship and then go completely in the opposite direction (yet always providing hope that she wanted it to work out). We actually broke it off three times in total, with her initiating starting it again each time. the last time she came down to seee me one night and explained that she often runs away from relationships and that she didn't want too do this with me. less than a week later she did exactly the same thing. One of the hardest parts is she did not see me to telll me this. She just left and I never saw her again. She texted but didn't even call. We kept in contact for a while (probably a bad idea) but never saw or spoke to each other. She now does not communicate at all. I last saw her a few months ago and I know it wouldn't have worked out but I'm finding it hard top let go and its really causing my anxiety and depression symptoms to become almost unbearable. I know it would not have worked out and tell myself this and that it was good to meet her anyway and try to make it positive. I keep active, date other people and all the other things that should help but recently its been harder and harder to do this and my anxiety and depression is becoming worse. I don't know whats going to make it better.

Feeling lost

replies: 5

Hi, let me try again, my last one was to long. I've got a long story to tell but not enough characters to do it in so i'll do my best to summarise. Im nearly 35, on my 2nd marriage, and third serious relationship. The first was my high school GF 5yrs... View more

Hi, let me try again, my last one was to long. I've got a long story to tell but not enough characters to do it in so i'll do my best to summarise. Im nearly 35, on my 2nd marriage, and third serious relationship. The first was my high school GF 5yrs, then my first wife 7 1/2yrs with a now 10yr old son and now my current wife 4yrs and a 7 month old son. I really started my life again at when i met my current wife. After two horrible relationships with people who i now wonder what a saw in them my wife showed my that i could have the relationship i'd always dreamed of. We get along great, and i love her to bits, she has been very supportive. My trouble is i feel down all the time, in spite of the fact that my marriage is good i feel lost, unhappy, lack motivation and struggle finding energy to do everyday things. My wife has been with more sexual partners than i have and i feel jealous of this, i feel i've wasted my life and have alot of regret. I sometimes get visual images of her with these men and get sick feeling like she has cheated. I stress about her comparing me to them like i dont make the cut. I feel stupid because we both have a past, it shouldnt bother me. She is good and talks through it. There are issues with my ex and my son, she brainwashes him. Work is hard and i keep getting knocked back on opportunities to try other fields. Matt

Poisonous family members

replies: 12

Feedback and shared stories welcome. My brother and I have been loosing our once impenetrable relationship, he passes heavy judgments on me no matter what I do. When he attempted suicide (I imagine his behavior prior to this may have been a sign) it ... View more

Feedback and shared stories welcome. My brother and I have been loosing our once impenetrable relationship, he passes heavy judgments on me no matter what I do. When he attempted suicide (I imagine his behavior prior to this may have been a sign) it was necessary for me to take on the emotional load for my family because they fell apart, mum was catatonic and detached, the rest just couldn't cope. I held him in my arms from the moment he rocked up on my door to the moment they took him away to stay at the ward. He gets out and has met "the one", she was also in the ward for a similar reason. He seemed happy. But as time went on the both of them began to pass judgment on me again. I've been accepting of all the emotional baggage the two of them have and been there for them in hard times. They just had a baby, two weeks, I still have not been allowed to meet him. I spent the last half of the pregnancy sourcing and collecting things they would need for new baby because my brother lost his job and they were in big trouble. I have expressed that I understand they need time alone and I can wait to meet my nephew. This was met with comments about how I was being impatient and making this all about me and blowing things out of proportion. I'm confused about this response.Needless to say there is much more and I am beyond crushed. Unfortunately it has gotten to a point where I don't really want to meet my nephew now and don't want to be in the same room as my brother and his partner. I too battle with depression and have come a very long way from my darkest point.My brother has a regular group he goes to dealing with violence and mental health in young men and his partner refuses to get help. Doesn't change the way I'm treated unfortunately so I have decided to quietly move myself out of the firing line. I've been there for long enough and my health is just as important as anyone else. I've gotten rid of all the poisonous people in my life and now the only ones left still hurting me are a handful of family members. My partner and I will be moving to a place that I've always dreamed of living and I will no longer come running at the beck and call of harmful people. They will have to learn to cope with life without me carrying them all the way from now on.This has been years in the making and the hardest choice I've ever had to make.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Have I stuffed up

replies: 4

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 18 months, until today we were happy and getting married in May next year. Today happened to be the day we spent in family court going through the finer details of my children from a previous relation... View more

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 18 months, until today we were happy and getting married in May next year. Today happened to be the day we spent in family court going through the finer details of my children from a previous relationship. I have not seen or heard from my kids in over 8 months and in that time I have struggled to cope with the situation. In the process of the details with the Laywers he mentioned that my ex had brought up that I also had a son from 15 years ago that I have had nothing to do with from day 1. My future wife turned and looked at me in a way she never has before. I told her that we had spoken about this but clearly by her reaction I have not. On further thought I can now see that I may not have but maintain that this was not intentional. I found out about this boy when he was around 5 years old and offered to do whatever I had to do to help but was told it was not nessasary. I don't no if I'm being selfish or not but my main concern and has been for the last 8 or so months with my 2 children, my stepdaughter and my partner. I don't no what the outcome will be from the fallout of this but a this point the sun is not shining. I do understand that being a parent is a full time job that we do whole heartedly but can I be blamed for something that happened 15 years ago tried to help when I was told but was asked not to in anyway. Is this a massive oversight on my behalf? I can understand the way my partner may feel betrayed but this is not something that is at the forefront of my mind. I can honestly say that today was the first time I have heard his name in at least 10 years. I do believe I have stuffed up majorly and am more than willing to put my hand up and admit that but from where I am sitting things do not look very good with my future wife to be

Wife at the end

replies: 8

My husband was diagnosed with severe depression 10months ago. He seeks help and medication. Nothing seems to be working really well. he is constantly trying to leave me and the kids as "we deserve better" and when he's not doing that I am getting a v... View more

My husband was diagnosed with severe depression 10months ago. He seeks help and medication. Nothing seems to be working really well. he is constantly trying to leave me and the kids as "we deserve better" and when he's not doing that I am getting a verbal beating. I've been called every name under the sun, I've had things thrown at me, and every conversation turns into some argument. Whether I'm in it or not. I get the undertone swearing and name calling when I don't get dragged into his crap. i work full time among looking after 3 kids, volunteer work and all the rest. My career is flourishing. This is another point for arguments. He has no goals and likes his 9-5 job. Which I have no problem with, but because I have goals I am beaten down. I can't speak to other men without being accused. I can't hang out with friends, text, take phone calls or go anywhere with an explanation. i feel completely soulless now. I'm happy still when I'm around other people. I have high anxiety about being alone with my husband and have no feelings anymore. I am so numb. does this get any better? Is it worth hanging in there? I am so lost. Even an affair is on my radar I am so desperate for some non-abusive companionship. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I feel like such a horrible person.

Loneliness

replies: 6

I’m in my late 20s and I have never dated. It makes me feel like a freak. Now to make matters worse all my friends are either married, engaged or in serious long term relationships. Some are even on their second baby. I don’t have friends anymore. I ... View more

I’m in my late 20s and I have never dated. It makes me feel like a freak. Now to make matters worse all my friends are either married, engaged or in serious long term relationships. Some are even on their second baby. I don’t have friends anymore. I have always liked my me time but I used to have a quiet but steady social life. Now if I want to see a movie or just have a chat and a coffee I can't ask anyone. My original friends just do couple things. I rarely get invited. If I do it ends up being awful, with everyone pairing off with their others and sharing couple stories. I feel left out until they ask me why I’m still single and say I have problem about never dating. Then I feel like even more of a freak. Now I decline their very few invitations. I never ask them out anymore because they always have an excuse or they insist partners be included. My friends used to put me first and I would reciprocate but now I am nothing. I get angry and scared because no one feels I'm significant anymore and I don’t think anyone will ever again. I can go for a whole weekend without speaking to anyone except the check-out staff at IGA and no one cares. My extended family don’t live in here and I know them little. My parents just don’t get being in your 20s in 2015 and they also travel lots not I'm grown. Plus I need to connect with other people closer to my age. They had me late though and I am scared that before I know it I will have no one. I have tried the generic ‘making friends’ activities like a new job, helping at an animal shelter, netball, swimming and an art class but I feel like a freak because they don’t work for me when people say they should. When I rarely connect with someone they are already settled down with no time- or it happens soon after we meet and they drop off. The pattern makes it harder to go through the exercise now because I just anticipate them dropping off. My social anxiety isn't helping and I don’t have the confidence to try the above new things anymore. The outside world gets scarier every day (I live alone). I have discussed this with my therapist but I have so many fires to put out right now we never really get time to fully cover it. I actually have an imaginary friend at my age to fill the void- but unlike a 4 year old I know it's fake. Does anyone have any strategies for dealing with loneliness (either fixing the situation or just being able to manage it in your head)? I just can’t to go on like this anymore.

Not sure if I can support him anymore...

replies: 3

I have been with my partner for 10 years now and about 5 or so years ago he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He took medication for a while, but stopped using it a couple of years ago because he said it started to make him feel worse. Over ... View more

I have been with my partner for 10 years now and about 5 or so years ago he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He took medication for a while, but stopped using it a couple of years ago because he said it started to make him feel worse. Over the past couple of years things just haven't got any better for him. He hasn't had a job for over a year and whenever he's had one they only last a few weeks before he quits. He has such a negative attitude towards everything and basically can't see the good in anyone or anything. He just sits at home all day and plays on his playstation all day. He refuses to seek help or go back on medication. I feel like he thinks I should be responsible for his wellbeing, or if I am, then I am doing a terrible job at it. I work full time, so I am the sole breadwinner of the household. We don't have any kids, but we have a dog (I was kind of hoping that having a dog will help him a little). I have tried so hard to support him through this, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere and it's really starting to have a negative impact on my wellbeing as well. (I was diagnosed with depression in my late teens). He says I don't understand how he feels and thinks I'm lying when I've told him I've been through it as well, although I'll admit mine wasn't as severe as what he's dealing with, it doesn't mean it never happened! I've just gotten to a point where I feel like I can't or don't want to keep supporting him if he's not going to try and help himself. I'm starting to resent him for not even trying and I feel like a lot of the time, he's just making excuses so he doesn't have to do things he doesn't want to do. I'm so torn because I love him and care about him so much, but where do I draw the line between caring for him and caring for myself? I've put his needs before mine for so long that I've lost friends and barely see my family at all now. Is it wrong to want to put myself first? If I break up with him, I know I'll feel so guilty and I'll worry about him and how he will cope, but if I stay, then I think we'll both just be miserable forever. Please, I need advice!!

Pinned discussions

Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

replies: 0

All discussions

Anger towards the in-laws

replies: 1

Has anyone else felt like my husband does?

replies: 6

Communicating to my wife better

replies: 2

A sudden and unresolved break up

replies: 1

Feeling lost

replies: 5

Poisonous family members

replies: 12

Have I stuffed up

replies: 4

Wife at the end

replies: 8

Loneliness

replies: 6

Not sure if I can support him anymore...

replies: 3

Relationship and family issues

Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about replies: 0

Anger towards the in-laws replies: 1

Has anyone else felt like my husband does? replies: 6

Communicating to my wife better replies: 2

A sudden and unresolved break up replies: 1

Feeling lost replies: 5

Poisonous family members replies: 12

Have I stuffed up replies: 4

Wife at the end replies: 8

Loneliness replies: 6

Not sure if I can support him anymore... replies: 3

Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

replies: 0

Anger towards the in-laws

replies: 1

Has anyone else felt like my husband does?

replies: 6

Communicating to my wife better

replies: 2

A sudden and unresolved break up

replies: 1

Feeling lost

replies: 5

Poisonous family members

replies: 12

Have I stuffed up

replies: 4

Wife at the end

replies: 8

Loneliness

replies: 6

Not sure if I can support him anymore...

replies: 3