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I don't exist?

Community Member

I am very embarrassed and ashamed to be telling the world about this, but it's too much to keep to myself anymore.

I have been with my now husband for well over a decade. During this time he has done nothing but watch porn and play video games. He has never been interested in sex. When he does want to, I can definitely tell that it's out of obligation. He never does anything without being asked to, or pushed to. I am responsible for him getting a job, a license, everything. And I hate it.

I am pretty much responsible for him proposing to me. I organised the whole wedding alone.

We have only been married a year or so.

He likes to treat me with silence. Before we were married, it wasn't uncommon for him to completely ignore me for weeks on end. When I say ignore, I mean it. Not a word. He just stares at a screen, whether it be compute or tv.

Since we have been married, he has ignored me for a lovely total of 12 months. It is just me and him in the house. We have no family or friends in our lives.

For 12 months straight I have come home to a dead house and a dead man. Not a word passes between us. He sleeps on the couch and we wouldn't dare to be in the same room.

In the past, being the one who cares and acts like an adult, I have breached and repaired everyone of these silences.

This time, no. If he cared, surely he would for once do SOMETHING?

No. 12 months of silence.

I don't know what to do. I know he loves me, but can never treat me like he does. If I leave, he would without doubt kill himself. Fact. I could not forgive myself for that.

I am not yet 30, but I feel like no one will ever want me again. I've become a very cold, frigid young woman who is certain every man is a liar and could never truly care.

I have never told anyone this. If I did, the shame would never die. Everyone thinks we have a perfect relationship they all envy. How wrong.

What have I done? And what do I do?

I am loyal, faithful, never even looked at another man. I am not a supermodel, but I'm attractive and normal enough. I was once so warm and kind and thoughtful, now just an empty shell with a happy mask stuck on.

I want so much to be free of this toxicity and live the life I want.

Has anyone been through this?

1 Reply 1

Community Member

Hi GreyMaiden.  Wow, your letter about your situation is the most unusual one I've ever read.  Firstly, have you actually tried talking, telling him how you feel?  Having said that, I don't mean ranting and raving, men 'switch off' when they think they're being 'lectured' about how we think they should act.  What you need to do, only an opinion, is say nicely to him, that you feel as though he's completely ignoring you.  Ask him nicely to switch off t.v, let him know assertively (but - again, nicely) that when he gives you the 'cold shoulder', you feel invalidated.  I would say, by the sound of it, he is just as upset as you, but doesn't know how to approach you either.  Men hear what we say, but they don't always understand what we mean.  We have to cross all t's and dot all i's when we communicate with them.  You've been married just over a year, but together 20.  During that time there must have been some communication.  You say you've organized his life, was that something he asked you to do, or did you because you thought that was what he wanted.  Tell him how you feel, and what you would like from him.  He likes to watch porn, I take it that's a no-no as far as you're concerned.  Maybe he thinks that by watching, he may pick up hints about what you want.  Ask him to spend more time with you.  There is a c.d available called 'How To Laugh Your Way To A Happy Marriage'  I think you can download it off youtube.  A girlfriend of mine recommended it to me and it's helped me tremendously.  It gives insights into what men and women want from marriage.  I was blown away by it. 

I wish I could suggest something else.