I need help healing

[Blue_baby]

My boyfriend and I were together when we were 16 for about 7 months. We broke up and we’re no contact and got back together 3 years later. Our relationship wasn’t healthy at all on both our parts and I should’ve known that people break up for a reason but I obviously got back with him because I love him. My boyfriend and I have had a rocky history where he previously cheated on me during our first relationship and he admitted it to me before we got back together because he felt guilty. We had some problems with him sleeping with another girl. Although we weren’t exclusive or dating. He told me he loved me and slept with another girl. I had a few problems with him watching inappropriate videos of other girls online and listening to girlfriend simulation ASMR which got brought up three times until it ultimately stopped. it’s been long since this problem and we he hasn’t done anything like that and he’s honestly changed. We’ve had conversations about how he previously treated me and he openly admits he was young and under the influence of his “friends” who ultimately wanted to sabotage our relationship to try get with me right after we broke up. Today we were having a conversation about my body and how my dysmorphia impacts us being intimate. He opened up to me and told me he had slept with a girl from my highschool during the time we broke up and she was a lot bigger than me and he doesn’t hate bigger girls. I’m really upset over his past because he slept with people I knew and I know I wasn’t with him but it makes me feel disgusted especially because I’ve seen some of these people multiple times and had many conversations with them and feel stupid to know those girls where sleeping with him as I was having conversations with them. I feel like I’m constantly having to heal over so many things in this relationship. I really do love him and honestly he’s changed for the better but I can’t help but think I’ve been hurt too much and there’s so much history to get over. I fear I’ll look back later on in my life and realise I settled for less or be unhappy with myself and relationships in the end. I have anxiety so I constantly overthink. We moved 16 hours away together from our city to move in together and get a better jobs but also to escape where we came from because we honestly were so toxic and had so many people know about us and obviously news about whose been sleeping with who (as I mentioned my boyfriend slept with multiple people after we broke up). I currently can’t afford the rent and I’m far away from any support. I have no friends. I have no car and usually share my boyfriends car. I am also no longer in contact with my family as I had an abusive relationship with them. 

I still love my boyfriend and maybe the best thing for my situation is to continue with the relationship despite the trauma and hurt and try to heal because at the end of the day he is a different person to who he was. 

I just need advice on how I can heal and manage my anxiety and overthinking. Or if I am making the right decision. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for posting here as this is the kind of topic we can address through our lived experience. 

I've read your post twice and I'm being honest here that I think as you mature this kind of issue where you are thinking about your BF's ex lovers is not an issue for older people. 

Imagine my last GF. She was married to a guy, the father of her children for 20 years. When I met him he was really friendly and welcomed me into his life. I felt weird because I had imagined him sleeping with my new Gf thousands of times... yet we became friends and as my GF and him regularly got together for coffee to discuss their teenage children I could have been really jealous, but I wasn't, I had matured.

Maturity unfortunately takes time, you cant buy it at a supermarket. Different than over thinking your dwelling on the topic can be neutralised somewhat with keeping busy, get a hobby and a pet. Where dwelling on these past events like how your now BF slept with other girls in the past, isnt that normal? The positive side which you dont mention is that he chose to be with you in the end, so lucky you, he wants YOU.!! 

IMO therapy would b very beneficial for you to overcome this and move on. Your GP can help

TonyWK