I made a mistake on NYE and am now being 'iced out' by my girlfriend

[barty567]

Hi all, first time poster. I'm currently in a stable, loving relationship with my girlfriend though we have had occasional rough patches like the one we are currently going through now.

Last night my girlfriend came around after her work for NYE, and we had a pretty relaxed evening with no drama. We were originally planning to go out to see the midnight fireworks in person, but we were watching a movie and lost track of time. By the time the fireworks started we could only see then from my apartment window, and honestly the view was pretty bad and she was pretty dissapointed. I apologised for the mistake, but she immediately she became very cold, went to sleep, and has practically blanked me all of new years day. I've messaged her saying I'm there for her if she needs me for anything, but have just received unusually cold replies assuring me she is fine.

Similar situations have occured in the past with smaller issues, and while I understand I am at fault, I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas how I can prevent these sorts of scenarios from occuring in the future. I also get very depressed and feel guilt in these scenarios, but am not sure how to talk to her about this in a way that in non-confrontational since I don't want to invalidate her own feelings. I just want both of us to be able to talk about these things so we can build a stronger relationship. I appreciate your time in reading and replying 🙂

[Matchy69]

Hi barty567 and welcome to the forums and making your first post.I can understand your situation well.It sounds very similar to what use to happen with my ex.These situations will happen again in the future.They are probably something you can't prevent happening.It was very hard to talk to my ex at the time as she would just shut me out.Some times I did not know what I had done or said that is wrong.I sometimes did get a sorry from her when she seemed to snap out of it.When I got I'm fine or don't worry really scared me as their was something wrong.I think it's best to try and talk to her when she is ok and let her know you are their for her and you do care about her.It is really a difficult situation to be in.

[CycloneTracy]

Barty I’m not a psychologist so I don’t think it’s right I should post what I think or what I’ve learned. Read up. Try just google. Silent Treatment why do people do it and is it acceptable in a rship. I mean it’s not quite what u said but close to it. She is freezing you out as such. Can I just point out ..she was watching the movie too. Did she mention the time? It’s fireworks. Awesome to see, disappointing u missed cos u were both engrossed in a movie. But it’s not like you missed her brothers wedding and even so isn’t she somewhat or equally to blame too? Shouldn’t be making u feel depressed. I’m not invalidating yr feelings at all but this shouldn’t be as big a deal as it seems it became. Best wishes and I hope you get some clarity & resolution over this apparently ongoing issue.

[Buzzybees101]

Hey, sorry you are going through this, it's a shame that what sounded like a lovely evening has become this situation. How long have you been together for? I ask because a girl I used to be friends with was like this with her boyfriend, and it turned out it was because she was always expecting a proposal at times like Christmas/new year or birthdays or when they were on vacation and when she didn't get one she was disappointed and was cold towards him for a while, obviously the poor dude had no idea what was going on, because she just said 'I'm fine'. They had been together a year when this started happening. But the only way to get to the bottom of this with your girlfriend is to ask her what's going on, missing fireworks doesn't seem like that big of a deal and it's unfair to make you feel guilty and down when you haven't done anything wrong. She could have watched the time and reminded you when it was time to leave. Best of luck, I hope you find some answers.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Barty457,

I am in agreement with the others who have posted. Yes it is regrettable that you missed the fireworks, something that she had been looking forward to. But you BOTH lost track of time and missed the fireworks, she could have easily set her watch and let you know. But she didn’t either. The only thing I can think of is that perhaps she thinks there is a pattern whereby you don’t prioritize things that are important to her, perhaps built over time and thus her seemingly over the top reaction to this minor mistake? Or her conflict resolution strategy is to wield the silent treatment rather than talk about anything, no matter how small or insignificant. That is all speculation and obviously know her better in this regard. Next time she says “I’m fine” I’d just confront her outright by saying calmly “clearly you are not fine, can we talk about this like adults please?”. I think that might have the effect of shaming her into explaining her feelings at the very least.

[barty567]

Thanks everyone for commenting 🙂

For context we have been together six months. We aren't planning on getting married any time soon - we have already talked about that and I would need to meet her parents first and talk to them before proposing (she is Chinese and I am learning Mandarin with her).

As an update, she asked me to bring her a painkilller and some water at work (she lives and works near me) so the ice is maybe starting to thaw. I'm seeing her tomorrow so hopefully we can have a talk if she is open to it.

[Petal22]

Hi barty567,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im really sorry this happened to you I understand it would feel upsetting.

Your only human and mistakes happen.

Im sorry that your girl friend reacted in the way she did maybe she just couldn’t hide the emotions she was feeling at the time, maybe she doesn’t blame you it’s just something that she felt.

Emotions are hard sometimes I’m sure once you both talk it out everything will be ok.

[geoff]

Hello Barty, I agree with all those above me and why should you be to blame, you were enjoying yourself watching a movie with her, and she could have interrupted the movie to watch the fireworks, so why should it be your fault.

If you are beginning to fall deeply in love with her then wanting to find a way to appease her is understandable, but it's a joint fault and if she gives you the silent treatment now, then being married to someone who constantly does this is very frustrating.

Geoff.