Hi James;
I'm sorry you're sad and stressed. Folks above have been really lovely and given solid advice which I can't really expand on. But I do have a (symbolic) anecdote that might resonate. Please bare with me as it's a bit long...
A few yrs back I decided to purchase my first home. Being a single woman in my 50's it was a pie-in-the-sky type goal. Lots of people said I was crazy, money lenders wouldn't even look at me.
I set about creating a plan similar to a business plan. I even picked up a book on it. The goal was to save enough money for a deposit, then hit the bank up for a mortgage loan. The plan involved putting my things in storage and living as frugally as I could.
So, I bought a 2nd hand caravan to do up and live in. It was decrepit, painted canary yellow and lime green inside, had nothing unbroken to sit or lay on, the tyres were bald and flat, it leaked and wasn't registered. Bit of a juiceless, seedless lemon!
I had it moved onto a lot in a caravan park, I bought paint, tools and accessories then stood in the middle of it crying like a baby.
"What have I done?!" I went back each day for a week and everyday it became harder to face.
On the last day I stood looking at that bloody yellow paint and thought; "This is it; now or never!" I picked up the paint tin, opened it and began to put the undercoat on.
That was the first day of the rest of my life James. Opening that tin led to the next step and so on. It was freezing cold, pouring with rain and I was alone without help, but I finished and it served its purpose until I sold it at a hefty profit.
I'd saved quite a few thousand $ and approached the bank. I sat with the manager without any substantive loan history, just my deposit. Thru chatting, I convinced him of my worth and he said he'd back me up; the mortgage was approved.
Because I'd been successful, my 2 sisters took the plunge and now own their first homes as well. I couldn't be prouder of them.
When life gets tough, I think of my yellow caravan and the outcome I created just by taking that first step against all odds.
You'll thrive if you want it more than anything else James, and because - this too shall pass.
Warm thoughts;
Sez xo
