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Ruby3
Community Member

Hi

ive posted here before about my situation that occurred over New Years.

Althiugh ive done everything expected of me, found a house, a job, lost weight and look physically better I can’t help but still feel like I’m dying inside.

A couple of friends have said they no longer want to see me anymore as I’m emotionally draining. It’s really knocked me back again. After everything that’s happened it’s yet more loss.

To have lost a husband and friends I’m not just questioning what is wrong with me? Why don’t people stay with me?

7 Replies 7

Inthehallway
Community Member

Hi yes im doing all the things they tell you but the pain is as strong as ever.

I am mindful of being on repeat with friends as I think even the closest ones have a limit to how much they want to hear.

I have starting wring long texts and emails to myself saying all the stuff I would say to them (and my husband) because I know I am starting to sound pathetic and desperate but that's how I feel. Plus their responses are quite generic if they haven't been through a similar situation and you only hear what you want to hear.

it is crazy how much grief / end of a marriage can hurt physically - I seem to get worse as time goes on!

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Nikki~
I happened to read your post to “J” and really hope that you are starting to realize that a breakup can be through no fault or lack of your own. Sadly it is often those who are not steadfast or loving that stray, leaving the constant and deserving behind. Your ex-partner is now a problem for another, even if she does not realize it yet.

All that hurt, grief and loss takes an enormous toll. Dying inside is a pretty good description and talking it out is something that is natural and does help. It is something that is said pretty often but true, you find out who your friends are in hard times, and who are just acquaintances. Not everyone can, or is prepared, to deal with another’s great distress.

I guess one has to have had a similar experience to know that it is the listening and understanding that is important. Offering ‘quick fixes’ does nothing useful. It might make the person doing the suggesting feel better about themselves, but simply makes the person in pain feel more isolated.

I was separated from the one I loved by death, so have an idea of some of your hurt. My remedy, which I freely admit is not for all, was to find another a quickly as I could. It worked and we are happily together 20+ years later.

You mentioned you have a son, may I ask what sort of age he is? How is he coping with this?

Is there anyone, parent or other family perhaps, who is there for you now? Please talk here as often as you would like, we do understand and care

Croix

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Inthehallwayi~

While I'd like to talk more I don't think you have made a thread of your own as yet. I say what said here and in Goody658's thread and know the situation is somewhat different. While it would be very natural to just blame yourself 100% I'm not sure that should be the case. From what you wrote his forgiveness and willingness to give second chances is sadly lacking.

I hope I can talk more with you

Croix

Ruby3
Community Member

Thanks croix

my son is two. I have noticed a big change in him which is understandable, he is very upset and angry a lot so I am doing everything I can to make it better but he has seen things I wish he hadn’t.

It’s just so incredibly painful isn’t it? My self esteem has never been so low, to have been discarded so easily I’ll never understand.

I can see by people faces that they are ‘bored’ of hearing my same problems. Like I should be over it now so now I just paint a smile on and say I’m feeling much better but that’s been just not the reality. I have to physically stop myself from calling him every night begging him to come back. But I’ve humiliated myself enough.

I just love him. But I think I love someone who doesn’t exist anymore and I don’t know what to do.

Nikki

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Nikki~

I think your son is lucky to have a mum that loves him so much and would shield him if she could. As for the people with bored faces, if they are unhappy with your talk then they are thinking of themselves, not you. When my partner died I harangued everyone within range going on about my loss. A couple grinned and bore it for my sake and they are the ones I value.

There is no way you are going to 'get over it' soon and while painting on a smile might be necessary at times (perhaps with your son on occasions) it really should not be there all the time.

As for not humiliating your self. I understand and believe pride very definitely has a place when things are harsh. When I was invalided out of my occupation pride and anger enabled me to function. Mind you I'm not sure how good it would be if you did ask and he did come back - what do you think?

Croix

Ruby3
Community Member

Hi croix

thankyou, I hope my son does know how much I love him. He asks for his dad all the time and it hurts my feelings, that if only he knew what his dad had done? Unreasonable I know for a two year old.

I know you’re right, if I asked him to come back and by some strange miracle he said yes, then what? I’m with a man who openly says he doesn’t love me and doesn’t regret what he did to me. I know that deep down the way he has treated me I deserve better but for some reason it doesn’t seem to help.

He is my best friend.

I wonder what she has that I don’t?

nikki

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Nikki~

I'm not sure she would have anything, it might be more a question of stages. I admit I'm guessing here.

As far as I can see a relationship develops over time and goes though stages. Getting to know one another, the honeymoon period, then just being together. This of course may be followed by children, at which time there is a great upheaval as you know. The man may have been the center of attention and this is no longer the case. Both parents - in an ideal world - devote themselves to the children and each other, their own needs often taking second place.

Unfortunately there are some who regard themselves and their needs of paramount importance, and don't really see anyone else. For them the transition is unwelcome and they stray elsewhere. I guess it might be your ex has moved to where he is the center of attention again.

The bottom line is that you have the love and maturity to see things though and give love and care, he does not.

Croix