I'm experiencing the loss of a friendship and I'm looking for support.

[Amelia]

Hi, my name is Amelia and I am a new member of this online community.

For the last two months my closest friend hasn't spoken to me. We have been friends since I was six years old. She is my soul mate (not in a romantic sense) and somebody I thought I would grow old with. I cannot describe here in words what she means to me, and how integral to my life and happiness she is.

I am seeing a psychologist but would like something to turn to for support during the interim between sessions. 

I feel worse each day. I am incredibly depressed (I have been suffering from clinical depression for 2 years, for various reasons including genetic) but it is the grief that is hardest. I have great physical pain in my chest, arms and back. Breathing is often difficult and on several occasions I have suffered from hyperventilation. I feel nauseous. I am underweight and dehydrated from crying heavily every day. I am exhausted all the time and feel unwell. I see very little point in living, other than not causing my family the pain of losing me. Thoughts of self harm are becoming more frequent, though so far I have resisted. It doesn't feel like reality that this has happened.

I basically just want people to talk to. Perhaps some advice on how to manage day-to-day, if anyone has any?

Thank you. 

[Amelia]

Thank you so much, Lostllama. It's nice to know that you are thinking of me. I too am thinking of you (Really, go see a psychologist as soon as you can! They are great).

Thank you for your thoughts. I know what you are saying - I have so many beautiful people around me, a loving support network of family, friends and even my doctor, my psychologist and my boss! But I think this is the difference between losing a friend compared to breaking up with someone: you can replace a romantic relationship - it takes time and it feels awful, yes, but eventually you replace them with a new romantic partner. But you can't replace friends. Friends are all unique, best friends especially. They all have their own little friend-shaped space in your heart... and this friend took up an especially-large part which is now empty.

However I am very grateful for your thoughts and experiences, and I hope that I too learn to see the world outside of my friend... though I hope even harder that she will see the world in me again, because I don't want to let this friendship go. I feel like it will kill me and I don't want to spend my life dying on the inside. Life is precious and ought to be brilliant, not devastating.

What you said about wanting the world to stop... I must say it is utterly exhausting having to continue studying and working while all I want to do is stop and break down. I just want to scream and smash everything in sight and lie in bed for months and destroy myself. I must say part of the biggest reason I have thoughts of self-harm is because I'd like an excuse to just lie in hospital doing nothing. A part of me thinks this apocalypse-like breakdown is inevitable and sometime around age 30 I'm just going to lose my ****. That should be quite a spectacle, hey... 

Anyway. Thank you again. These messages of support mean so much to me.

[lostllama]

That does sound like something to see! 🙂

Seriously, I know what you mean about that feeling that it is all going to explode sometime. I think oftenI feel that way if I don't have an outlet for my emotions. And emotions can be so powerful.

I read something really interesting yesterday. It was talking about wanting, and in particular the gnawing feeling inside that we feel that we really want something. And it talked about how that feeling wants us to believe that the only way to satisfy that absence inside us is to get the thing that we want. But what the feeling doesn't tell us is that there is another way to feel okay. And that's to let go of the wanting.

I don't know if I've explained it very well. I don't even know if it works! But i thought it was interesting. And I tried it with this person that I care about, who doesn't like me. I thought about it and that it's sad that they don't like me, yes. But I tried to let go of the part of me that wants to change that, to make everything okay. To just say "this is how it is, for now." And not to look at it as a good thing or bad thing. Just the way it is.

I found it made me feel a little bit calmer and a little bit less helpless. 

The ironic thing, I've often found in the past, is that it's often when we stop caring about the other person liking us that they come back. But you can't just pretend, to try to trick your mind, haha. That doesn't work. But the moment you are actually, truly, over it and able to move on, so often that's when the other person comes back. Not always of course. It's silly how it works that way.

I guess what I'm saying is that, if your friend pushed you away because they couldn't handle your depression, then maybe the way to get them back and the way to move forward are both the same: taking care of yourself. And maybe when you get to the point where you are happier in yourself and not so depressed your friend will come back. But if they don't, then you'll be okay about that, too, you know?

I know that probably seems a long way away right now. But reading your words, you seem like a smart person, and a self-aware person. You are probably a lot stronger than you think you are.

Anyway, I hope these thoughts help. Take care.

[Amelia]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your words really helped. What you said about how focusing on getting myself better may be what brings my friend back (and if not, getting myself better will mean that I feel better regardless) really made me feel better and stable. I think deep down I've known for a while that that's what I need to do. And I am trying - seeing my psych, being honest with my doctor about how bad things are, going on the meds, keeping my mind active with work and study, spending time with family, meditating, exercising, eating well... I know that those things require a lot of strength, and thank you for reminding me that I am strong, I do tend to forget it sometimes. Really, I tend to forget that there's anything good about me at all (silly depressed brain!!)... and still there are those times, which are quite frequent, that it feels like a hopeless cause and that the pain will never ever go away, no matter how hard I try. But these messages of support and the support of people around me help me to keep trying and trying and trying.

I do think it's important to have an outlet for our emotions. Feeling like a "bomb about to go off" is no fun! Yesterday, being Father's day, my family and I went out to brunch and for once I actually joined in the conversation and 'perked up' a bit... which was nice... but the effort of doing that, just for a morning, did take its toll and in the afternoon I broke down in the shower and screamed and banged my hands against the wall... but despite how distressed I felt, it was still a good thing to do, because it let out all the explosive, powerful emotions.

So to anyone reading this, I would suggest that you let out as much emotion as you can, when it's eating you up like that.

I hope everyone is having a good day today. x