How to Move on

[Draconhart]

Where to start. There is a bit to my story...

I got into a relationship earlier this year.  A relationship I never should have- with a married man who is quite a bit older than me. It was so against all my personal morals and beliefs- cheating is wrong and I never envisioned I'd have a relationship with a married man. But I did and I fell in love with him. He told me he was going to leave his wife and move in with me, he told his wife too, but a few days later he ended it all with the excuse that the age difference was too much.

However, months later I still can’t get over this, can’t move on and it’s affecting my life majorly.  There are a couple of things happening. I still want him, I can't get over him, I still love him. But on the other hand, I feel so ashamed and guilty for even getting into the relationship in the first place so beat myself up about this all the time too. Another part to this mess is that we have a common interest- music- and we both played in a few different bands together. I've been playing for 25 years and I love it so much, but I've had to give it up because I can't be around him any more. I did try for a while to continue, but he just acted like nothing ever happened- even though he knew I still had feelings, and it was too hard. So I gave up bands which has been the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do.  Even harder because I can't tell anyone why I've left. I cried when I made that decision and still cry because I miss my music so much.

I’ve seen a psychiatrist about it, given up stuff that we did together so I don’t see him any more, talked to the minister at my local church etc- but nothing helps. It doesn’t help that I can’t tell anyone what I’m really feeling. I’ve never been able to verbalise my feelings. It just stews up inside me. So I still cry over my feelings for him, over the fact that his life has just gone back to normal when mine is crap, over having to quit music, over being so stupid at getting myself into the situation in the first place. I hate going to bed at night because my mind just plays it all over and over, so I sometimes cry and can hardly ever get to sleep. I'm not sure if I have depression, but I get pretty low at times. I lack any motivation for work, hate being on my own, don’t eat and when I do it’s just crap, but I can also put on a brave face to the outside world and appear happy. It’s all just driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do or how to move on. So any suggestions greatly appreciated.

[David123]

I'm not sure if I have any advice but I have the same pain. 

I too am having trouble getting over an intense 2 year relationship that ended 5 months ago.  The relationship had become unhealthy (it was feeding my depression & she was unhappy) and we eventually mutually ended it.

The relationship ended at the same time my daughter took an overdose (she is OK now) , and I had a traumatic divorce a few years ago, and have been depressed for several years off and on.  Everything has just piled up, making it hard for me to move on.

I still think about her all the time, and at times feel suicidal over the grief.  I am sick of having thoughts of her in my head all the time.  I do my best to interrupt them, and replace them with positive thoughts.  However as I am depressed I don't have anything happy to replace them with.  Just can't see a future right now.

I am seeing a pyscologist, have started anti-despressants, and am well supported by friends and family.  I exercise, try to stay social, but the days can be really long.  Next step is to try to find something to fill my mind.  Everyone tells me I am doing the best and that hapiness will return one day.  At the moment I just have to push each day.

Oh well that's my story.

[vip]

Hi Draconhart yes a bit of a mess here but dont crucify yourself too much believe me we have all done things in our lives that we are not proud of. I attempted suicide 3 years ago and survived I think that is a lot worse than what you have done here. I have learned from my experience and by the sounds of it you have too. Bugger giving up on your music that was your passion go back to it ASAP he went back to his past life why should you punish yourself .  Maybe go back to speaking to a psych there are plenty of nice people out there who can help you just get over this obstacle just find the right psych. As for chuch minister i find they have no idea as bringing up my topic in a catholic church i found to be too much for them .Even speak to a councillor on the beyond blue forum that could benfit you here. As for still loving the guy that is understandable I lost someone in my life that i loved dearly and it took me over 10 years to get over him so those things do take time too. Push the guilt aside and just focus on yourself now do what you love and thats the music this will help you get over the situation . Everyone does things at the spare of the moment in there lives and thinks gees why did i do that please do not think you are alone here . Look after yourself

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Draconhart,

Giving up music over a man ?   That's probably a good premise for a country and western song - why don't you write one ?   Might help get over this relationship and give you a reason to start music again.  You sound pretty strong despite the crying.  Maybe in a few more months you'll be able to move on and meet someone else.

When I was a teenager I played in a big orchestra and one of the conductors had an affair with quite a nice viola player.    Because her husband played clarinet in the orchestra he had started there was a parting of the ways.  I remember that the conductor did a bunk with the violist and the Committee determined that the cuckold husband should stay in the group.    At the time, as I was of an impressionable age, I thought this was a big deal.  But, now, 30 years later and having experienced life a bit more, I can see that the music business is full of such stories.  Hence, the 2/3rds higher divorce rate.

It would be nice to keep a friendship going with this love of yours but maybe there is someone more suitable around the corner ?  Someone that will encourage you back into the music game   Someone that won't ignore your needs.

Adios, David.

[Draconhart]

Thanks for the replies everyone. David123- I'm sad for you that you are experiencing a similar situation because I know how much it hurts, but to know that I'm not alone is sort of comforting. I too have had a few suicidal thoughts over the grief but those I think have passed. I hope you are doing ok now.

I have started writing some lyrics about my emotions. I'm not sure it helped, or just made me sadder.  I still am pretty gutted about having to quit most of my music over this guy. It would have been easier to continue if we didn't play the same part in two bands and therefore sit next to each other. So as much as I want to, I can’t go back to my music just yet. Not sure if I ever will be able to. I just wish I knew how to get him out of my heart. I wish I could hate him because that'd have to be easier than being in love with someone who is never going to be mine.

I find that I am ok during the day time when I keep myself busy, but if I am alone or especially at night time when I get into bed, I am a mess. It’s all I think about and no matter how hard I try to think about other things or do something to distract myself, it all comes back to thinking about him.  I wish there was a magic pill to knock me out for 7-8 hours of sleep and I could just get up in the morning refreshed and ready to go :-S

[David123]

Hi Draconhart.  I wish I could hug you.  Seeing your post reminded me so much of my situation and yes it is comforting for me as well to find some one who understands the same pain.

I know what you mean about hating.  I have also been told to use anger about the way I was treated but it just won't come - I'm still hooked.  Many friends and family have told me I was in an abusive relationship and should be happy it ended.  But I still love her.

Yes it really hurts that I will never see her again and she will never be my girlfriend again.  She has also moved on but I am still stuck, that hurts sometimes too.

I still get memories every few seconds that I have to fight back all day long.  This is something my psychologist has encouraged me to do.  When the thoughts come, recognise they are not useful and try to interrupt them.  This is really hard and takes practice but I am getting better at it, at least during the day.  When I wake is the bad time for me - the thoughts flood in and I can't control them and they push me way down.  However I am lucky that I can get to sleep OK.

I have been using lifeline and beyond blue phone lines when it gets too much.  They are really nice and help me get through the tough patches.

Having to quit your life long passion of music is terrible.  I hope you find a way back into it some how.

I do think you are depressed from your description, so you might want to start with your GP.  I have had some luck with anti-depressants.  They helped me through the initial break up but then I foolishly stopped taking them and crashed again.  Am on the 2ns course now but they take weeks to become effective. They work best when combined with therepy of some kind.

Take care,

David

[Draconhart]

Well I've been feeling really good this week. Been happier and planning stuff for the weekend, did some art stuff etc.  I have been sleeping way better, almost back to my normal sleeping patterns (except for the odd occasion when my cat steps on my head in the middle of the night lol).  Work is picking up, I'm eating better and I cleaned my house so it looks respectable.

But I'm scared, terrified actually, that this is only temporary, like the eye of a storm- all calm but soon everything will come falling down around me again. Does depression go in stages? One minute the world is dark and scary, the next everything is ok, then back to darkness? I hope not. I'm enjoying having some form of normality back.

Although I am a bit down tonight. It is band night and it still hurts so much that I can't go. I miss playing and I miss the people in the band. But at least now I can think about band and not cry. That’s a big step. But I've been lying to my mum about band- she doesn't know I have quit. I can't tell her, she'd ask a million questions as to why as she knows I wouldn’t just leave.  She knows I had feelings for the guy and thinks that was it, she knows nothing about our actual relationship and I know how she'd react if she ever found out- and she’d get it out of me, she always does. I feel bad enough myself without having to deal with her as well. So I've been making up excuses as to why she couldn't come to gigs the band had, and tonight I left her place to go to band when I wasn't going. I hate lying to her.

I think I will go back and see my psychiatrist and see if she can help. I’m pretty sure the ‘happy place’ where I am now won’t last forever, as much as I wish it would, and there will be something that triggers a relapse into the dark place I have been. Maybe I’m just fooling myself anyway and it’s not as good as I think it is. She’ll be able to help me with that anyway. Now just got to get the guts to make that call...

[vip]

Hi Draconhart gad you are picking up the pieces and getting your life back on track. Im sure this event has made you even stronger as a person . You know what when those bad days do come along you use this experience as a mechanism for turning it into a good day. As for the lying better not to make that too much of a habit speak to the psych and when the time is right it would be nice to let mum know the truth rather than sending her off on a goose chase to find you at gigs. I got into the cycle of 1 lie after another and it really makes you feel dishonest and sneaky . If mum reacts too bad your not the first or last who had an affair there are many people your mums age who do this as well im sure she would understand . Sometimes we cant control who we fall in love with but from this experience i suppose you will take out of it  that you will have more self control if someone is not available you will watch your back more. Go back to that band when your ready dont let 1 mistake spoil your dreams and aspirations

[David123]

My experience has been that depression comes and goes, so a few days or weeks good, the a few weeks bad.  In my case external events (and how I dealt with them) were driving my mental state, I lacked the resilience and skills to cope. 

However now I am working on skills to address the core problems so I hope to do better in the future.  Could be you are recovering by yourself but I would agree it's good to see a professional to make sure you are on the road to recovery.

I hid my depression from my family (and myself to some extent) for years.  However recently I have become very open and it has resulted in strengthening those relationships.  So I would encourage a more open relationship with your Mother.  You don't have to tell her everyting in one go - it would be enough to say "I can't go due to feelings for this guy" and see if she is supportive.

- David

[Edwin]

Draconhart, I just want you to know there are others out there going through the exact same thing.  My relationship broke down 11 months ago - we remained best friends for the first 7 months but then she started a new relationship which plunged me into whatever I'm experiencing now (depression?). It was tough losing my partner, but even harder losing my soulmate and best friend. The past 4 months have been the toughest 4 months of my life: it's effected my personal relationships (work and family), my health and my work. I started acting erratically - I'm not proud of some of the things I've done to hurt her. I'm actually a kind hearted man who has never hurt a soul, and today was a real wake-up call ... I refuse to let her and the breakdown of the relationship change who I am as a man. I came to this site today and it is a big help to me to know others are going through similar pain (though obviously I don't wish it on any of you). I'm finally going to get some professional help and, although I can't undo some of the things I've done and said, I am going to make amends. My only advice to you - no-one is worth you changing who you are. As long as you hang onto that, I have no doubt you'll pull through. And it's only when you hit rock bottom, that you can dust yourself off and make the long painful climb back up. PLEASE stay strong and know there are people you've never met thinking of you and preying for you.