FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

I will always deeply love my ex wife but getting back together is not an option

oncemarried
Community Member

Hi, 

12 months ago I ended my 10 year marriage with my ex after 15 years together, we have 2 wonderful children. 

My ex suffered from BPD and over the years I was subjected to physical and emotional abuse. No matter what happened over the years coming home to see her beautiful face and lovely smile and knowing there was so much love behind her illness allowed me to cope and in turn support my wife and children.

I ended the marriage when I was subjected to the above mentioned abuse with my son in the room, when I saw the look on his face I knew right then I could not allow him to see that ever again. 

I still love my ex wife as much if not more than the day I married her but after 15 years of trying to help her and essentially being her carer, and with the abuse I just couldn't do it any more. 12 months on I still support my ex and children with 50/50 on school fees etc and pay a considerate amount of child support. 

How do you ever move on! I have a good career and find myself unable to concentrate, not wanting to go to work and just not coping with everyday life as I once could.  On top of that when I pick the children up weekly I see my ex. 

Any thoughts or help would be great.

Thanks 

2 Replies 2

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Oncemarried, this is a tough one.

When you love someone but the circumstances are not ideal, then unfortunately you have to split up or become divorced.

This is what happened to me, and although I still loved her and her with me, she decided that she couldn't do any more to help me with my depression, so she had to move on, firstly by living in a flat and eventually divorcing me.

My concern is about your 2 children and whether or not they feel safe being with your ex, or whether they have told you about something that worries them.

How old are you children, obviously under 18, but I am worried about them feeling frightened, hopefully this isn't any problem.

How did I move on, well the house had to be sold and she moved down to Melbourne while I stayed in Gippsland and rented a house.

My situation is slightly different as my 2 sons were adults at this time, and they also move to work in Melbourne.

My wife and I still see each other and talk on the phone, and if any points of difference arise between us I say good-bye, however there are some which we have to talk about, and by the time I can get a word in, I say that I don't agree with her, and the conversion ends.

Your ex may need some professional help or at least some medication to control her out bursts, which I'm sure your kids would be fearful of, plus they maybe scared, this is something which you will have ask them. All the best. Geoff.

BecomingAThriver
Community Member
Just out of curiosity, was she diagnosed with BPD? Or is this your assessment based on her behaviours? I ask because I've noticed online there seems to be a terrible habit of ex-partners "diagnosing" their exes with Cluster B disorders and adding to the stigma surrounding them. Not saying you're doing that, just wondering if she was diagnosed and at what point in your relationship you found out this was the case?