I have to act normal in my marriage but burning inside ....

[Princessa]

I am married women(20 years ) with 2 kids .I have noticed my husband is seeking sex outside our marriage . When I found out first I felt torn apart.I confronted him and he cried and was very sorry . he promised me never do it again, but of course it happened so many times .every time he promised and promised ....since last 4-5 years , when I I have told him about his secret sex life , he started getting very angry with me and accused me of bridging his privacy .He was said to me if I again check on him , he will leave me with 2 kids , he said that I have to trust him !.I am still checking on him and I know he visits brothel every week .He is always has sex with me too ,and says that he is enjoying it . He loves me I am sure of that. I have to act normal and pretend I don't know anything about his paid sex life. I am burning from inside but I can't tell him . We have a loving home, my kids love their dad , I am not planning to divorce .sometimes I feel very heavy inside . I cry a lot but there is nothing I can do , I am stuck .He wont' come to counselling ( I suggested that ) . I have to sleep with him otherwise he would know that I know what he is doing.I am like an actress who is always acting .I know there isn't anything for me to do other than hoping for a miracle for him to change. till this date, I didn't talk to anyone about my problem .no one knows how miserable I am inside as I act happy in my marriage .all my family are overseas and even if there were here they couldn't be any supportive.thank you for reading my post . I know there is nothing I can do other than suffering from inside and smiling ....

[Marie_W]

Hi Princessa,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and well done on making your first post - I'm sure it wouldn't have been easy to write all of this down.

I can really hear the pain in your post and that you have been completely devastated by your husband's behaviour. It sounds like you have been going through this heartbreak alone, as you haven't been able to tell anyone what is going on - I hope this is where the Beyond Blue forums can help in providing you with some emotional support.

I can understand that you still want to keep your family together, as your children love their father and I sense that you still care deeply for your husband. Despite this, your husband's behaviour is hugely affecting your well-being and making you feel completely miserable. I can't help but think that it is unfair that he has broken your trust on so many occasions, and yet you are the one who is having to pretend that everything is okay and deal with this situation alone so as not to upset him. I hope this is okay to say and that I haven't overstepped the mark by saying this - please let me know if I have.

With all of this going on, I just wanted to mention how great it is that you tried to get some help and suggested relationship counselling (even though you say your husband won't go). I wonder how you would feel about having appointments with a counsellor just for yourself? The counsellor might be able to help you process some of the painful emotions you are experiencing at the moment.

Is it okay to ask how things have been and how you are feeling since you wrote your post?

Looking forward to hearing from you if you would like to reply.

- Marie (:

[therising]

A warm welcome to you Princessa

My heart truly goes out to you as you suffer so deeply.

Having given great thought to what you've written, I wonder whether you'd be able to relate to one particular suggestion. What advice would you give to one of your kids if, as an adult, they came to you with the same issue you now face? Personally, I've been married for 17 years and also have 2 kids (a 14yo son and nearly 17yo daughter). I believe I'd say to my daughter, for example, 'Do you trust him? Can you be honest with him? Are you willing to accept an open marriage (him seeing other people)? Can you trust that he's always going to use protection when engaging in sex (so as to protect you)?' and the one most important question 'Can you be yourself in this marriage?'

I don't believe I'd directly tell my daughter what to do, I'd just have her reflect on why she's possibly experiencing so much internal conflict. The one thing about conflict is...in order to eliminate it, we must make a choice, we must choose one thing over another in order to find peace:

• Trust vs mistrust - we must settle for one or the other or a mental tug o war or internal battle ensues
• Honesty vs dishonesty - one or the other...
• Fidelity vs an open relationship...
• Being your self vs living as someone you're not...

I know this is all very easy for me to suggest. For yourself, there is much to lose if you choose to trust yourself, be honest, demand fidelity and live authentically as yourself. It seems your husband has made his choice for whatever reasons and in doing so is risking much and causing great sufference. If you have decided to stay in the marriage, I would take Marie's advice and seek a counselor to speak to for yourself. You need to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally for your sake and the sake of your kids. Their mum is a beautiful and precious gift, treat her as such. You are incredibly valuable Princessa.

Take care

[GooGooDolls]

Hi Princessa

I just wanted to validate your experience. Its difficult to act and yet its like a survival mechanism. I too do the same thing. I now am at a cross roads. And I'm thinking and searching out more advice. Good luck. Dont give up on the real you getting a happy ever after 🙂

[Nothappyuni]

Hi GooGoo Dolls and Princessa,

I am a guy who is in the same boat.

We have children and a home, and if I am prepared to say and do nothing it will all go smoothly for me. When I say I am unhappy I cop it. And, sadly for me I often say I am unhappy.

In 25 years my partner only twice dressed up in lingerie, our wedding night and one other. Now her draws are full fancy lingerie, these items are so provocative it just makes me cry to see them, because I know they are not for me. We do not have sex or touch or cuddle, she says she doesn't need any of that. But, she has nighties I have never seen her wear, and dockets for sex underwear/lingerie that isn't even in our house. My 'partner' holidays, goes out to parties, or goes night clubbing without me.

I have brought it up, like both of you did. But I am told I am just being stupid and nothing is happening. I do everything for our kids, but the kids know I am sad.

We all face a choice to put up and shut up, or leave and possibly loose everything.