I have a difficult life and would like some advice if possible

[Ayla]

I'm having dramas with my partner. We recently got engaged after being together for a year. We've had many issues in this year, mostly to do with completely different parenting styles. He has 4 sons, teens to early 20's and I have one son second eldest in the mix. My son has ADHD, ASD and ODD and raising him was impossibly hard. Mentally it's been like living in a domestic violence situation but one I wasn't allowed to leave. I begged for help constantly and got nowhere. Our family from all sides left us. My own relationship with my own parents is non existent and it's far more healthy for me to not have them in my life. My relationship with my son is mostly a good one now that he's grown. He's a hard working, decent human being and I am incredibly proud of how far he's come, but the effects of raising him are long standing. I have PTSD, bad anxiety and right now feel dangerously on the path back to depression.

My son hates people and doesn't understand my need to find love and be in a relationship, but he has never been disrespectful to my partner and they have a good relationship. My son really is the only friend I have apart from my partner. I've been isolated for so long now that I have no skills to make friends. I have people who love me, but I have no ability to socialise with them and tend to spend most of my days at home. Even before anxiety I was a homebody, but I have reached a point where I have a need for excitement, fun and passion in my life.

I love my partner and I know he loves me, but we fight so much. We are on completely different wavelengths, and can NOT find a middle ground with our parenting. I have raised my son to be independent, respectful, hard working and responsible, despite the odds. He has raised his to be lazy and ungrateful, unhelpful, and seems to believe that it's his responsibility and job to provide for them all, even though his own financial situation is insanely bad and they are all working at least part time except for the youngest who is still in school. He still does absolutely everything for them. He feels he is making up for the lack of care by their mother who is still in their lives but rarely sees the older two. His parenting goes against everything I believe in and because we never agree on anything, we seem to be having the same 'discussion' repeatedly. 

I'm exhausted. I still have issues with my son and now all of this. I just want to be loved without the hurt and dramas and am completely lost.

[Jacko777]

Hi Ayla,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am sorry to hear you are struggling and I am glad you are talking about it. Are you seeing a counsellor or such Ayla? This could help you a lot right now, to separate these issues and to make fresh plans with achievable goals.

Sounds like you could take a break from the cycle of trying to find middle ground on parenting with your partner. Is it possible that you could leave him to parent his children for a while, say a few months, while you parent yours, take the pressure off your self and forget about it for a while? If you are not getting anywhere anyway you may as well have a rest from the discussions. Maybe there will be a bit less hurt.

If you are seeing a counsellor maybe you can talk about making some goals to start socialising. Small steps, don't worry about a lack of ability, just get on the phone and say hello to someone, get on the phone and organise a catch up over coffee with someone. You say you have a need for passion, so what are you passionate about and how can you be active in your passions? What can you do tomorrow to reconnect to these things that are important to you? I am passionate about nature so I volunteer for groups, no small action to conserve the planet is wasted and it brings me much satisfaction to get involved.

Hang in there mate, I think you can make this better. Talk any time.

Jack

[geoff]

dear Ayla, it's really nice that we can talk to you about this very important issue.

Have you ever heard of the phrase 'chalk and cheese', and please I'm in no way wanting to hurt you or upset you, and this can happen even when you both love each other, but it can make your life rather difficult.

The role you must have played in bringing up your son is to be congratulated for, as it would have caused many a problem for you and the people that you once associated with, but the important fact is that you have taught him 'to be independent, respectful, hard working and responsible', and there is no better way on how to raise a child, but there is no way it would have been easy for you.

Love is such a beautiful word, we all desire to be loved and appreciated in any mutual relationships/marriages, that's what we strive in life, but when PTSD and depression raise their head, problems begin to happen.

Loving a person who has different values in life to what we believe in will create many concerns, problems and arguments, and it would seem to be impossible when he has kids at home that it would appear very unlikely that if the two of you live together would only cause problems, even though you both love each other, this will slowly diminish, sorry I hate saying that.

When the two of you have ' the same 'discussion' repeatedly', then nothing is going to change, unless you can live apart from each other. L Geoff. x