I found it hard to adjust to my new life after my marriage breakdown
My marriage seems that was the cover of deeper problem in myself caused by my parents divorce and disrupting behaviour, I feel I have been living a lie all time and even though they are my parents and I need them I am not able to get over or rebuild a relationship with them and It has caused me problems with people around me making it difficult for me to build a relationship with anyone.
My marriage sort of was a cover of my problems until my ex wife who suffer of a mayor crisis because of infertility decided to leave me because of her infertility she rather to be single again.
I was left in the air completely I could not cope with anything, even after I try to focus because she did not want to get help I was the only person there for her while she needed me and wanted my support. I had to see a psychologist for myself at the same time I was dealing with a workers compensation issue at work until eventually I was left without a job because of my injury.
All this started in 2010, now 2013 when I have reach my lowest at my depression and anxiety levels, where I am living at my parents house which I hate because of my childhood memories but I dont have anyother option because the whole situation has cripple me making feel so insecure in myself, I can not get a job, because has affected my mood, my temper is bad, I am impatience... just to name few.
I am not sure if I am going to be married again, because I dont want to go through same thing and as I lost trust to people and feel insecure in myself I have started thinking because my parents divorce has done something to me that I am not good to be married to someone. Let me feeling even worst about to bringing up a child.
Now my anxiety and depression has gone bad because I have become a night owl, after my separation I could not sleep and I started taking the pills to sleep so start sleeping for 4 hours until that eventually without the pill that I dont like to take i start sleeping something like 6 hours. Now I am sleeping 7 since a couple of months but I always feel sick when I wake up (10am or 11am) I've integrated exercise which help me a lot in everyway and sleeping.
But after recognizing the problems that cause my sadness living with my parents not been able to forgive them just make me feel that I wanna run and I want help because I feel this is my breakpoint where I could be better for the rest of my life, I wanna be free and better.
Because depression and anxiety is killing me, I have tried to talked with my parents and explaining things to them to get them aware of it but seems that whatever I said of how I feel is wrong and selfish because they repeated to themself "they did the best for us" Now that I dont have money, I hitted bankruptcy, I secluded myself in my room, I have few people to talk i trust and give me some support because I dont want to cling on them all time. I have gone over this website and start thinking about bipolarity which is something that frightens me, I dont want to have but because of none help and my family's denial of my problems.
So I feel that I am better off without my family as there is nothing we could share and support eachother with. Even thought they are divorce and lived in different countries they are not happy and settle and that unstability I feel reflect in myself affecting me sometimes when I was married because of the though of having a family.
I know I am a complete mess and I hate it. I am 36y/o and stucked and I dont wanna be a looser all my life. Sore of I relate to silver linning playbook Oscar winner 2013 but without the girl founded yet 😃
Can someone tell what is going on with me and help me?
What's going is that you are getting more isolated and have a dysfunctional family that you find hard to connect with. Where is your support ? What is wrong with having a few friends (even if you feel you "cling on[to] them all [the] time") ? Friends would be more upset if you didn't communicate with them. I had a good friend die of cancer last year and he hadn't told family or friends about it FOR FIVE YEARS ! We used to walk our dogs together - sometimes I wouldn't feel like it but if I'd known about his cancer I would have made more effort.
You don't sound like you have the manic part. It's probably just depression or anxiety. I have bipolar and there is a clear pitching or elevating of mood that happens and it leads to financial problems or sleep problems within days. I get grandiose dreams and start planning crazy things like, for ex, how to become Prime Minister ! It's true. One time I even conducted a poll around the psychiatric hospital. And than manic episode, even with treatment - drugs, ECT - was 9 months long. Are you shagging everything in sight because a raised libido is also part of mania.
Just because you're parents "did the best for us" doesn't mean you can't get sick. Sometimes parents feel very confronted when their kids have mental health problems. It's almost saying "You were shit parents - I got sick". My dad still thinks I've made it all up and I've been bipolar for many years. Pride and Ego don't really give you support do they ? You sound pretty together for me. You seem to be forgetting that you are the fertile one. You can create something else.