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I feel worthless and disgusting

Unloved84
Community Member

I'm pretty independent and didn't really date much in the last few years, due to being busy travelling and having fun. I've always had issues with the way I looked, and felt bad about myself, despite people telling me I'm very attractive.

I met Luke on a dating website a few months ago, I joined as my friends urged me on and I just had a few chats with people who I can't even remember now. I started talking to Luke, he seemed nice enough and we had things in common.

i didn't even want to go on the date, as most dates I've been on from the app have been boring and awkward. But as soon as he walked into the cafe I was smitten. We talked for four hours and he was just amazing. We had six dates over two months (due to work, him being away etc) have been sexually active together.

He was the first guy in years that I wanted to be with. I was willing to give up my time for him, her petty much had all the qualities I was looking for. But when he got back from his holidays he was changed, colder and not that interested. I have started to fall for him, so it wrecked me. After our sixth date I was sick of him being cold and I messaged him and long story short, he does not feel the way I do, because it's all him and he is dealing with many personal issues at the moment and can't be a good boyfriend.

He suggested we meet in a few weeks again, but I have not heard a word from him. I feel stupid, pathetic and like I'm the most repulsive person ever. My studying has suffered, I've lost weight and just want to cry. I try and drag myself out to see friends etc but I just feel sad. I have good and bad days. He seemed so keen and we were so good together. Same sense of humour, loved the same movies, animals and places to travel, we had similar goals in life and values. I never became clingy or angry, I was always chill but showed him that I was into him, in a healthy way.

he himself said he hasn't been himself since his holiday and has been distant for his own reason. Whatever they are. I can't move past this.

 

I feel like why am I not good enough for him ? What so wrong with me that he became like that ? This has made me question everything about myself. I feel like I never want to open myself up again like that. I'm in my thirties and feel like s***. My depression is becoming worse and I can't handle it.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi unloved, welcome

Thanks for showing some courage with your post.

In my view you had more than just "fallen" for him. You fell in love with him. All the vibes of that in love feeling were there. No wonder you are grieving the loss of the relationship.

Go to your GP and check out your depression situation.

Find a new hobby, interest. Seek out a low level sport like table tennis, badminton volleyball.

Meet people. My wife recently took up line dancing...she's met do many locals from there.

Keep positive. Its most essential. And go back to that dating site. Many relationships are successful from there.

Tony WK

PatT
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Unloved,

Welcome to the forums and I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you've been going through. They're all really relatable and you worded everything really nicely. It kinda feels ridiculous to me at times how easy it is to fall for somebody but then find the most dire and painful difficulty in leaving them. Nearly everyone feels the same in these circumstances and people, probably like you and I who experience greater emotional responses, suffer the most.

When things like this happen the most obvious response is to look for flaws in ourselves rather than consider the external circumstances that led to this point. Most of the time we will never really know what happened but aspects of personalities clash, people change not as a result of us but the easiest thing is to blame ourselves. If you are really that convinced there is something wrong with you then he has done more damage than he ever should have.

If you're feeling as bad as you are then I would really consider speaking to a GP or a psych. It's hard to get over relationships and the saying that truth heals all is completely true but if you really feel you need some help then there are so many avenues for it. Book in a GP appointment and ask about a mental health plan. And keep speaking to us because we're always listening.