I feel like I've lost my husband

[Rachel170]

Hello,

 my husband had a motorbike accident 5 months ago now. He was very lucky to make it out and recover from the accident. He has been through so much trauma and had to have an operation on his head which was very stressful for all of his family including me his wife.He was on a get back to work plan and was aiming to return to work on a Tuesday and the Sunday before he had a turn and ended back in hospital witch he then had to have another emergency operation on his head again.

 This was a very stressful time for everyone, he is very lucky to have a loving and caring family but they have now completely taken over. There was nothing we could have changed or done so he didn't end up back in hospital he received a bacterial infection and you can't prevent this. I am getting the blame for everything now from his parents. They have taken him under their wing and completely pushed me out. In the whole 5 months I have been next to him supporting him through all of this but he can't seem to see that, he's turned on me and thinks his mother and father are the only ones there for him because his wife "isn't around"

 Everyone deals with hard situations Differently and my way of dealing with this situation was to get out for 24 hours. I didn't come home I stayed at my parents house because I had to much. I feel so uncomfortable living at his parents house, I don't have my own space. His mother use to walk in to the bedroom at 6am to check up on him, she would shower him and make sure all his medications were taken. There is no room for me. When I bought this up with my husband he said his parents think I am incapable of looking after him. They are blaming me for all the bad things that have happened. 

 on top of all of this he needs to have another operation in March and hopefully all going to plan this will be the end of it, in the mean time my mother in law is talking to everyone including my husband saying I am hopeless and she doesn't want me around anymore. I have told my husband we need to move out of their place and he just doesn't want to go. I feel really stuck and can't possibly go back to his parents house. It's very uncomfortable and knowing she thinks so little of me makes it 100 times worse. She is way to involved in our marriage. And not taking into consideration we are even married. I tried talking to her a few days ago and just broke down crying, she wasn't supportive at all then, and now she is talking behind my back and making things worse.

[geoff]

dear Rachel, I want to thank you for posting this very difficult comment, where all your husbands decisions are helped along by his parents, and you are excluded, so it has now made your own situation seem worthless.

I want to say how sorry I feel for your husband as well as yourself with the damage that has been done, and I say this because I too had a head injury, so what your husband has to go through is unexplainable, but the repercussions can be enormous, and that's why he needs you, his wife to be able to look after him, easy said than done at the moment.

By you staying with his parents will never work out, they will dominate everything, and we know how you are going to feel about this.

This situation isn't going to change while he lives with his parents, but maybe he feels that he has to live with them because they told him to, so he is too scared not to, but you are his wife, he needs you more than he really needs his parents, so you need time alone with him by going out for lunch or taking him for a drive, whatever he always likes to do, and reaffirming that you love him and want to look after him, because that's what is going to happen eventually, and even discuss about having children.

His parents decisions are not always going to be the right choice, times change, doctor's knowledge has improved so much, medication changes and therapy has improved a great deal, and they maybe not prepared to alter their decisions from years ago, so you have to try and get him away from their house, much to their disapproval, but persevere and 'stick to you guns.'

Google this site 'documentation on head injuries and after effects' and talk to him about how you can help him, his parents will naturally ask him what the two of you spoke about, but ask him if he could keep any information from them.

Hope to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Hi Rachel.  Geoff is right completely about getting him away from his parents.  But through personal experience, I feel it's going to be a long, hard road.  I too have in-law battles.  My husband is so emotionally dependant on his parents (they are nearly 90, he has just turned 63).  Getting him to agree to go out with you without him discussing it with parents is going to be a battle in itself.  I feel they blame you because it's easier for them to blame you than him riding his bike.  In-laws frequently feel daughters in-law are trying to 'steal' their sons away.  It sounds as though they've been looking for an excuse to come between you anyway.  I do agree with Geoff about reaffirming how much you love him, this is important in his rehabilitation.  Is he seeing a specialist in connection with returning to work, or psychologist about head injuries?  Maybe you could accompany him there.  He's not strong enough yet to fight for his marriage, fighting his doting parents is really hard.  Keep letting him know you're not walking away.  Does he have access to a computer - email him how much you love and miss him.  Never discuss parents, keep it you and him.  Does he have a mobile, text him. 

Good luck.

[geoff]

dear Rachel, Pipsy has made an excellent point in what she has said, in that 'He's not strong enough yet to fight for his marriage, fighting his doting parents is really hard', because by having a brain injury is something that you don't understand why this sudden change in your thinking, lack of memory or feeling hopeless has suddenly happened and then unable to make any decision, only because they are quickly made for him, by his parents.

They don't give him the opportunity to try and think of an answer, because it's done straight away by his parents, and this is the link that has to be broken.

This may seem to be impossible but it's not, because if you keep telling him that you love him and want to care for him, as one day his parents will be too old to care for him. L Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Thanks for that Geoff.