So I have anxiety. I have two small children, they are hard work and beautiful. I have a great husband. I have two lovely parents and my Dad is not well.
I am larger now than I have been my adult life. I don't fit into most of my clothes and I can't afford any new ones.
I know and I have known for a long time that my day to day life will be better with exercise, less junk food and meditation.
I continue not to do it.
There is one thing after another. Yes, there was a falling out with my sister in-laws and other in-laws thanks to the rollercoaster of a relationship between my borderline personality disorder sister in-law and myself. Then at the beginning of this year we thought my Dad had a terminal illness and was in and out of hospital after that. Then my young son got diagnosed with Asperger's. Those things feel like one thing after another. But before those things there was one thing after another.
This weekend I felt a bit better regarding my Dad and my son and I found myself going to visit my mother-in-law to see how she was. The break in the family was discussed (and I knew it would be at least touched on) and for the last few days I have been preoccupied with feeling annoyed. I'm annoyed:
1. Annoyed that a group of people are against me because of the story they have been spun by my sister-in-laws illness and looking at every action of mine through judging eyes. Annoyed that those same group of people have years of in fighting but no it is me, absolutely I am the problem. Annoyed that those people are currently feeling closer together and acting closer together because they have a common enemy at the moment- me.
2. Confused and annoyed because I don't know how to deal with it positively in the future. My husband is still in contact with his sister and they will see each other when she is in town. I feel anxious when I know she will be in town soon. I feel anxious when she is in town feeling kind of trapped in my house that she can arrive on my doorstep at any time. Then feeling so self conscious when she is or the other family members are there because I know every action that can be negatively interpreted will be.
3. annoyed because I knew these feelings would be stirred up when I decided to visit my mother-in-law but part of me was hungry for it. I mean what the hell is that??
Oh dear, what a pickle. It sounds as thought visiting your MIL was the biggest mistake. When it comes to dealing with IL's, I find the best way is to, let your husband. They are his family, therefore they'll always look for any faults in his chosen spouse. Sorry about your dad, too. MIL's in particular find it hard to accept any DIL's because it means kissing goodbye to son. I think your eating problem is for 'comfort' not because you're hungry. My husband can't deal with the conflict between me and his parents either. I have no contact with them, let them badmouth me. Words can't hurt me, if they could, I'd have died a long time ago. The anger you're feeling is because of lack of acceptance from your IL's. Quite natural and unnecessary. Whatever negative feelings you have towards his family, vent them here, say nothing to him. Once you've found a way of 'venting', you will find your negative feelings will start to fade. Obviously you feel alone in your anger, believe it or not, you're not. DIL's in particular for years have had this problem. As far as your SIL is concerned, you know what the problem is, avoid any contact. You have a great relationship with your own family, concentrate on that. In the end, you will have your husband to yourself. Let your IL's say and do what they like. Your husband lives with you, he knows the truth about you. Your food situation will sort itself out either with help from professionals or once you accept that your husband, children and you are your family. He loves you and the kids. Build on that.