I was doing better at school before, now a few weeks into the holidays i feel like i am going to relapse with sh. My parents are the main reason of this and i love them i feel that but none of my opinions are being heard or being over heard if that makes sense.if they agree with me or i push for something it still ends up being discarded. I feel i also dont have the social skills to make friends at school but it was much better there then at home. I think an example of this is that i have constantly been pushing for me to stop extra singing lessons because i have so many that it is impacting my grades, but also because i dont like it at all. the reason i started was because i was belting let it go at like 5 in the living room. they finally agreed to stop, only to say that i should continue because i can always rely on this to make a living when i dont make it into uni. i feel like if i show any interest into anything they take that too seriously as well. I finally was able to push for a tutor but now i have set schedules on when and where to study on top of the singing lessons. I dont deal well with schedules and i study so much better when i feel like im not being pressured to study and i can study wherever i like, which only happened once in a gap between school and parent teacher interviews. I also feel like they arent respecting my privacy either. My mum would come into my room without knocking despite me telling her to knock hundreds of times, i know that this is probs just a mum thing though. My parents overshare private stuff about be as well, such as sharing videos of me with people without asking and me finding my exact measurements online from when i was like 10, this was for an acting website i think. I have had to do multiple performances without even notice and i cant even refuse or my mum will gaslight or threaten me with taking away the only thing i asked for which is skating lessons and it took 10 years for them to agree. im sorry i know im just yapping now. I havent had a day in this holiday where i could just do what i want. I have been having urges to sh again and its getting more frequent and stronger. I dont think i can get through the rest of the holidays without sh let alone before i can move out. I have been getting almost daily thoughts of suicide, though i am too wimpy to go through with it, Ive had past incidents where I wasn't safe and i still have ongoing reminders of the past. I don't want my parents or anyone who would tell my parents to know. What do i do? also please forgive me for my awful grammer, punctuation, spelling and writing in general. I also dont think half of it makes sense sorry. Merry Christmas
