I dont know what to do anymore.

[Guest_00962104]

My partner and I have been together almost 6 years. I love her so much, we have the same friends and she fits into my family so great. This past year my mental health has been extremely low due to a lot of factors. I have always been one to say “once a cheater always a cheater”, and I have never and thought that I would never be one to do such a thing. But I did. I felt disgusting, awful and full of guilt after and the guilt was just growing in me everyday, I couldnt bring myself to tell her. She found out by reading some old texts and it was absolutely heart breaking seeing the pain I have caused to her. We’ve talked about it and she wants to work on our relationship and so do I. I have taken full blame and responsibility for what I have done. Im in therapy currently but each day I feel as though Im about to break, I feel like im a bad person and I dont deserve the love she gives me. I feel like I cant breathe, I feel like Im being smothered and I just want to be alone. I dont want her to think I dont love her anymore, because I still do very much. We argue and fight and she brings it up all the time(I know, shes grieving and allowed to) I’ve lost myself, Im not independant, I dont see my friends(she didnt like me hanging out with other, even before I cheated) I just want to get myself right first and start loving me again so I can return the love for her that she deserves. Yet I feel that she thinks Im going to abandon her or break up or cheat on her again(I understand her feeling this way, because of what I did). I just want to fix me because I dont want us to end up hating eachother. Im just at a point where everything I do feels wrong. And I dont get joy in anything anymore. I want this relationship but I also want to be alone. I dont know what to do anymore. Also please dont come for me about cheating, I already feel low enough.   

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Welcome here to the forum, we are certainly non-judgmental and many who have seen someone else or have been the third party have found understanding here.

My impression from reading your post is that the cheating episode has taken over just about everything. You constantly feel bad, and you partner keeps on bringing it up. Neither is very productive and can hold things back.

Cheating can come about from a number of causes, one of which can be a reaction to things at home combined with being with someone for whom one feels an affinity. You did say you felt stifled and your partner did not like you seeing your friends, maybe a controlling or excessively uncertain person - what do you think?

Can I suggest you try to put this in proportion, you behaved in a certain manner and regret it, particularly as it caused you partner pain. You will have learned from that  expereince and I doubt you will  do the same thing again. To have it thrown in you face permanently does neither of you any good.

Maybe you could say to her that episode is over, you have apologized and do not want to do it again and it does not help ether of us to dwell on it now. Keeping it constantly in mind is destructive. If she persists do what you think is reasonable to avoid arguing further, perhaps even ot the extent of leaving the room.

We all do things we regret, and to let them consume our lives can happen easily, however what is better is if one slips then grows.

One affair does not mean you are a bad person, hopefully just a wiser and more understanding one

Croix