Husband unsupportive/ increasing anxiety pregnant

[Bluebell789]

I really struggle with feelings of abandonment and anxiety. Theyve always been there. I had PND and anxiety over the last couple of years and stopped drinking alcohol with support earlier in the year.

Im currently 6 months pregnant. I find it really hard to sleep when my husband is out past midnight and very drunk. He becomes quite insensitive amd unreasonable. I also work fulltime myself, have a two year old daughter and manage the majority of the day to day household tasks and cooking etc. He does help but not enough.

He went out tonight as usual and called about midnight to say he fancied staying out. He was so drunk and slurring. I have work in the morning he doesnt as hes started holidays now. My 2 year old was up and crying as shes a bit anxious with going into her toddler bed. I was utterly exhasuted. He said he would come home but reluctantly like a small child.

Im finding it hard to cope and feeling very unsupported and alone. I dont have any family here they are all abroad and im worried aboit my deteriorating mental health with a new baby on the way.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Bluebell,

I really feel for you. You’re clearly going through a lot and under a lot of pressure. First things first though, congratulations on giving up alcohol. I know that’s not easy to do, so well done 🙂

I feel your whole situation sounds very overwhelming. There’s very little support, as you said. I get the impression that your husband sounds like he might have a drinking problem, you have a combination of work and home life stress, etc. I would think that it would all leave you feeling very exhausted and drained...

I’m not sure if I have anything particularly helpful to suggest, but I’ll give it a go anyway. I wonder if maybe when your husband is sober, and you have the day off work as well, perhaps you could try to have a calm conversation with him, and tactfully raise issues about his drinking, you needing more support, etc. After all, in theory, you and him are meant to be a “team.”

I know it’s obviously not the same as personal support from loved ones, but you’re always welcome to reach out here on the forums to talk and perhaps consider calling a helpline to speak to a counsellor anonymously too. Sometimes I feel hearing/reading a caring response can be comforting....

I’ll be thinking of you today, and if you feel like writing again, it would be lovely to hear from you again.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Bluebell789]

Thanks Pepper. Your response was a much needed support to me. I think you're analysis is right - whilst my husband doesnt drink all that all that often when he does he binges heavily. He does also drink a few during the week. Having been through aa myself i know that i can't force him to change. I just wish he could see the impact it has on me too.

I spoke with him today as i had to take the day sick from work. He's apologised and said he was drunk and not able to consider my feelings.

Its a tough situation because im done with that sort of behaviour in my own life and i dont really want it around me anymore.

I will call like you suggested when im feeling distressed.

Thanks again

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Bluebell,

Thanks so much for bravely writing in again. It’s lovely to hear from you again...

Yes, I think what you’re saying about your husband makes a lot of sense. You have a lot of insight. It’s tricky with alcohol, as you said. I also understand as I’m quite attached to my alcohol too...

I do feel sad that the impact of his drinking hasn’t completely registered with him yet. I think it’s great that he apologised, but I wonder if he has expressed any desire to address/change his drinking habits. Sorry, it’s just that I feel, especially after your baby is born a few months from now, you’ll need his support more than ever. I hope it’s okay for me to say that...

I feel, as you would well know because you’ve been through if yourself, people who develop certain drinking habits usually have some sort of pain lurking underneath it all. So I wonder if maybe your husband needs to address whatever pain or stress that is making him drink, because if he doesn’t deal with it or finds other coping mechanisms, I think he’s likely to continue drinking...I’m just gently expressing my thoughts.

As I said, it was good to hear from you again. Feel free to write as often as you like as sometimes that can be cathartic. That being said though, there’s no pressure of course...only when and if you feel up to writing.

Kind and warm thoughts,

Pepper