Husband porn addiction

[MrsConfused]

I posted this to a reply earlier today but it was suggested I start a new thread, so here it is...

Hi,
I understand this was posted last year, but I have also recently discovered my husbands porn addiction. I am hurt, lost and not sure where to go to next. I am shattered that someone I have been with 17 years (married 10) could have been so dishonest with me all these years. The fact that he has lead a secret life throughout our whole relationship just distresses me. I now also hate myself for consistently spying on him and snooping through his phone. I have searched his laptop and even the tablet. I even put parent control blocks on our wifi! I just don't trust him! And i hate myself for that.
Last time we "discussed" this habit he broke down in tears and told me he has been watching porn at a very young age. He was at a friends place and the older brothers had it on. He has been watching or viewing porn ever since. It is the lies that hurt the most though. I am not a fan or porn as it is so degrading towards women in general and unrealistic, but the lies hurt. I found magazines but in the early days and he said he did look but would stop. And I believed him but now i think about it there has been many times throughout our relationship where the signs where there, but i would believe what he would tell me...i trusted him...but since finding hard evidence i can no longer trust him. I want to and I don't want to leave him. Knowing that this has been apart of his life from such a young age i honestly believe that he has a solid addiction. I want to help him, but am i just being naive? If a friend was in my position, i would probably tell them to leave as there is no respect. So why don't I want to leave?

[MrsConfused]

Sitting her waiting!

Last night we made a doctors appointment for my husband. It was for next wednesday. Today he called the doctor and got his appointment changed for tonight. His appointment was at 7.45. He is still not home and its 9.15pm

I understand that the doctor could have been running behind and all, and then there is the appointment it self.

I just feeling so anxious about it all. I wanted to be there with him, but he said he'd be ok and we didn't have anyone to watch the kids.

I am starting to feel sick. I am sure it is all ok, but the waiting is killing me.

[smallwolf]

MrsConfused,

Hope is all OK with you both.

You said... "What if he never opens up about his addictions and his childhood". My only comment here to give him time please. Some things can take a long time to bring out into the open, to work out what is the cause that makes someone want/need to do something. Things we might be too embarrassed to want to talk about? He has seen a GP? And depending what the GP says you can both determine the next step(s) together?

On him wanting to be alone with the GP... Is it possible that he wanted to be able to admit or says things to a GP that he might not be able to say in front of you? The waiting can be very frustrating. My place where my GP works are nearly bang on when it comes to start/end times for a consult, but on the other side of town where by brother/mother goes can easily run late. I could be just lucky with the timing of my appointments.

But I liked your comment about "and some home truths for both of us, he stopped and actually lisyened to me". Trying to articulate what we want to say and then actually saying is hard. We (or at least "I") look for the rights words to say that does not upset the other person. Yet I also think that when the home truths are brought out into the open, a weight is lifted off your shoulders (of both of you)? You can then find a way forward together? The relationship deepens?

Maybe think of it as a series of brick walls that you have to break through. Together you got have broken through one wall. The next wall was/is seeing a GP. If you cannot push through a wall the first time, try again. Use more force against the wall. I don't think how many walls you will face together. Just face each wall one at a time.

Lastly, celebrate that your husband moved the appointment earlier? Rather than waiting til Wed, HE brought it forward. Sounds like he wants to fix himself?

Take the journey together, face each obstacle together, keep communicating. I am hopeful you with both make it to the other side - the family you envisioned.

Let me know how you are getting on. VENT! Ask questions here if you want. Hope you have a good weekend.

Tim

[Lizer]

Hi

my husband has a sexual addiction.we been married for 25 years.i only find out about 4 weeks ago that he’s been watching porn having sex with prostitues, having massages with happy ending.this has been going on for 5 years.he is now seeing a phycologist.he travels a lot with his job so I’m finding it very hard to trust him. At one stage I wanted to leave him but he beg me to stay and told me it won’t happen again. I’m a bit confused.