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In love with separated man

Community Member

Hi All,

I could really use some advice. I have been in a relationship with a separated man for the last six months, and have had a strong connection with him for about eight. He is very kind and sweet, and I am very clear on the fact that I love him. Although we don't speak about that because he says he needs to close off his old life first. He separated at the end of last year, not because of me but I guess I gave him the strength to take the last leap. We had nothing before, but the connection that showed us we want to be together. Time together is absolutely amazing and beautiful. But everything around his separation makes it really hard. Plans have not gone as we hoped, he is running out of money and most of all, out of mental energy. He now lives day by day and cannot make many decisions. I think it is some sort of decision fatigue because he had to run the show for both of them. He just wants to rest and wait until he can tackle the next problems. But until then, I have to be a secret because his wife would go crazy and make life and property separation hard. I feel totally out of control and out of balance. I love him and want to be with him but how can I cope if he does not even know when he will have enough energy for the next steps again. Or to even decide what the next step would be? He knows he's hurting me which adds to his stress. I try to be brave but I am losing the ability to. I don't want to have a break from him because I do not want to lose him and us. But I feel unhappy with the situation, even if the time with him without all the terrible things around us is absolute bliss. I wish I could get him to simply come clean on us. All I want is to no longer be a secret, everything else I can wait for. I told him that and he says he knows but then no action or suggestion follows. We talk very openly but at the moment, every time I bring up these profound topics, it hurts him and he gets all shut down and sad. I feel terrible for doing that but I also think I have a right to speak up. And he says not to feel bad because he understands. But he still doesn't do anything because he isn't mentally capable. What do I do? I would give everything to find a solution but feel I am at his mercy. And whilst he does not do any of this maliciously, it is still very painful. I always thought that love conquers all but I'm running out of strength fast. I did not have a good year last year, I cannot go through so much again. What can I do to win this for us?

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Im of the view, if he loves you back, he'll pursue you at all costs. That's a test I think you need to place upon him unfortunately.

So, imo I'd drift a bit, wait until he can bring some clarity in his thinking and see how he chases your relationship. There are some things that are mandatory in a successful relationship and that includes- decisiveness, clarity and cutting strings from the previous one (unless kids are involved).

Sorry, I don't have anything further to add.


Community Member
Walk away. He needs to heal on his own, and if you push him he will most likely push you away anyway. He isn’t over his relationship and will drag you down with him.