How to help my ex while helping myself too

[Livlucy]

A month ago now my boyfriend told me that we had to break up so that he could seek help for his depression. He maintained that he wanted to protect me from how bad things really were, and I would like to believe he was telling me the truth. He said that although he knew how much I cared about him, he didn't believe I should have cared about someone like him.

days after the breakup I had major surgery and as a result of being stuck at home for weeks I started to overthink the whole situation, and compounded with the stress of my injury and the breakup I was an absolute mess. He came to visit me a few times and cooked me some of my favourite meals, and whilst it was really kind of him it just confused me more and made me more upset. My head was in a really bad place, and I started seeing a psych myself as a result.

2 weeks ago now I told him that I needed to distance myself for a little while. we can't completely ignore each other because we work together, but I stopped contacting him. However we caught up for coffee two days ago now and things were really nice, it felt like how things were before we were dating. He is getting help now and I'm so happy that he is doing that.

As we were leaving coffee I asked whether how we should continue with the whole communication thing. He said it was my decision, but I just dont don't know whether to maintain low contact or not. Having past experience from family members who suffered from depression I know that leaving him to deal with all of this on his own may not be the smartest choice, especially since I'm on of the people he trusts the most. But in terms of a typical breakup I know distance might be beneficial for me.

this isn't a typical breakup however which is why I'm unsure of where to go next. I want to be there to support him, but I also know it might be at my detriment. Ultimately I still see him being part of my future in some way, I don't mind if we are just friends or more, that doesn't matter to me right now.

[pipsy]

Hi L.L It seems he is at 6's and 7's with whether to talk to you or not. He could be 'testing the water'. In other words can we be friends or not. You mentioned he is friends with your brother, that's awkward too. If you're uncomfortable with this on again-off again situation, I think I'd be inclined to either avoid places where he could show or if he does show and tries to contact, I would politely say, I can't talk now. He sounds a bit selfish, hardly conducive to a friendship or anything. He could be lonely and reaching out for friendship, but again, it's hurtful for you. Each time you see him, it reopens the wounds and they will take longer to heal. If you really want to move on with your life, you're going to have to try to avoid him. I realize how hard that is, seeing as you work with him, but I think your best course of action is to avoid contact as much as possible. Have you thought about changing employment? That's another option you may like to consider.

Lynda

[Livlucy]

We caught up for coffee 2 or 3 weeks ago now and discussed whether either of us wanted to attempt a friendship. He seemed very open to the idea but said it wouldn't happen overnight.

I took this as him still needing space and so I didn't try to talk to him at work or outside of work. But this is when he began to talk to me more and more at work and I told him it confused me. He said he never said he didn't want me out of his life and that if he didn't want to talk to me I would know because I know him so well.

i just don't know how to approach it. Everyone says baby steps but I still love him so much. And I still believe he cares just as much about me too. When the breakup occurred he said all these things about how he wanted to be with me but he couldn't live with knowing he may drag me down with his depression.

[White_Rose]

Hello Livlucy

Your BF seems to want his cake and eat it. There really is no half way, or sort of, or lets be friends. There is too much hurt in your relationship and this on again, off again, is making it so much more painful for you. I know it is difficult for the BF when he is trying to regain his mental health and he probably likes to think you will be there for him. And you would like to do this for him.

There comes a time when you need to consider your mental health. Have you talked about this latest development with your psych? If you did not see BF every day at work, how do you think you would feel? Would there still be that see-saw effect on you where you feel good at one minute and then completely flat the next? This is not good for you.

One quite drastic step is to find another job. When you do not see him every day you will have a chance for your emotions to get settled. If you want to see each other occasionally then he or you can make arrangements. In effect go back to your courting days.

I know this is not an easy option, but consider the benefits. You can go to work every day without wondering if you will see him. You will not have this hot and cold relationship which is unfair and distressing to you. You will not feel tempted to ask others how he is doing. I'm sure you can think of a couple more benefits. It will be easier to decide what sort of relationship you are going to have. Friendship is OK as long as you both act like friends. Romance is OK if both of you are going to put in the necessary effort. For your BF this means working hard on getting well and making that commitment.

I hope you are not horrified by this suggestion. It seems to me that you need distance from him to decide what to do. What do you think? Look at the positives rather than the negatives. Hope this is helpful.

Mary

[Livlucy]

Unfortunately changing jobs is not really an option for me while I finish my last semester at university. After that I would ideally like to leave, but realistically we will be stuck working together until June at the earliest.

i am also stubborn. I have a great deal of close friends at my job and I wouldn't want to be the girl who quit because her ex worked with her. And my best friend had to go through a similar situation and I saw her come out positively with her ex again on the other side.

i just feel despite how much he said he wanted to stay with me, my ex must have felt that getting rid of our relationship could somehow solve his depression. He told me that I was the most important person in his life and for that reaso i was the one who spurred him into wanting to get help. But i can't help but feel that now that I'm not there he is relaxing on wanting to get better.

he told my brother the other night that he planned on returning to a psych in the new year once the psych had returned from holidays and I hope that is the case. I just want him to be happy again, and I feel so selfish because yes I want him to be ok for him, but part of me wants him to be in a good place for me too. And I know that is horrible.

the last 7 weeks have taken their toll on me massively. In addition to having to teach myself to walk again after my knee surgery, I have had to cope with this and it has really put me in a bad place. I'm still seeing my psych however and I'm hopeful that I'll start moving out of this confusion/anger/sadness soon.

[pipsy]

Hi LivLucy Your bf blaming you for his depression is not unusual. It's easier to 'pass the buck' than facing truths. Talking about how your best friend survived her break-up is talking about another person, you are not her. Your emotions are yours, she possibly didn't tell you much about how she coped or felt, you 'saw' what she showed. I separated a year ago, my ex used to work at the same place too. Things between us were 'civil', however, I couldn't trust him as he let me down countless times. I get the feeling you are hoping to reconcile, whether you are only you know, but the longer you are apart the more you settle into a new living routine. My ex chose to leave where we worked as he couldn't cope with not being 'important'. He also told me I was 'important' to him. I was, only when no-one else was there. You need to look at your wants and what makes you happy.

Lynda

[White_Rose]

Lynda has made some great points about your relationship. Worth considering seriously.

I understand about finishing uni and not wanting interruptions. Not sure why you need to continue working in your present job. Is it part of your uni course? I'm not going to nag you about changing jobs, at least not until after I finish this comment. Because your friend managed and had a happy ending does not mean you will be the same. As Lynda said, you are settling into a new routine and this may no longer include the BF. Please look realistically at your situation and your feelings. All done. 😊

I had a giggle about you being stubborn. You and me both. Be careful your stubbornness does not lead you to cut off your nose to spite your face. It's got me into more trouble than enough. The BF quite probably thought you were responsible for his depression. He may not have realised his thinking but it is very common. My dear, you are trying to save him but only he can make himself well. I really hope he returns to therapy soon and starts to accept that will need to work hard to get well again.

Please do not beat yourself up because you think you want him to get well for yourself. That's normal. You care for him and that's why you want him well again. I am so pleased you are still seeing your psych. Be as open about yourself as possible and tell him/her your fears.

Mary