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Nunu
Community Member

Hi

ok, so it’s hard to express but will try too.
I married my first love 20 years ago. After 12 years or so he cheated and we lived separately but still married & loved. He moved to home country and I am here with my son. We always chatted, video calls, he tried coming back but got stuck due to visa issues.
start of this year my husband passed away in an accident. It was devastating but also bcoz we live away from each other am able to cope.

i feel like having a friend/partner for emotionally & intimately. But the problem is I never ever dated. Never had sex with anyone except my husband. I sometimes freak out that I will end up alone. Am not confident approaching someone to date. I feel like I can’t have sex until I love a person. I know am not ready .

super confused about my feelings and how to address them?

9 Replies 9

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Nunu, and a warm welcome to the site and I'm sorry about the loss of your husband.

Before you are able to get what you are looking for, a friendship has to begin, someone you feel as though you can trust and someone who both of you can support each other, and this probably won't happen with the first guy you meet, and by being intimate with them straight away isn't going to prove that this person is the one you're looking for and not a person taking advantage of you.

Just be careful on dating sites because what they say doesn't necessarily mean what they've said and because lockdowns do restrict any activity, makes your situation slightly difficult.

Let's say these have ended, then perhaps you could take a bus trip for a couple of days away, you might meet someone who is also single or if you can afford a cruise, I would think these would be cheaper after these lockdowns as relationships are formed quite easily.

Take care.

Geoff.

Nunu
Community Member

Thanks Geoff for your response

yeah am not very keen on dating sites but am not sure what are the other options to meet someone. Covid is definitely making it harder.

stuck at home feels extremely lonely sometimes.

my beautiful Son is my best friend right now.

I do have a lots of friends who are extremely supportive but sick of talking to everyone online. Guess everyone is in the same boat.

❤️

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Nunu, if you can give yourself just a little time, we all hope once the vaccination levels increase, then we will be given more freedom because at the moment businesses are going broke, people are lost and certainly despaired as there are discrepancies and inconsistencies on what is allowed and what's not, that's why people break the rules.

Give yourself time to explore the different options, you are keen as will someone else be.

Geoff.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Nunu~

I'd like to join Geoff in welcoming you here, he is someone that can talk sense.

I'll try to talk about the easiest thing first, which is sex. You are worried becuse you were only intimate wiht your husband. Nothing wrong with that at all

Sex is something that comes after affection has started and if there is to be an equal partnership, is something two people explore together, each wanting the best for the other. It will work out, enjoyable and even fun.

It's the equal partnership that is the hard thing to establish. As Geoff says dating sites are not straightforward and you can end up in a most unpleasant situation. Being a talking head on a video makes it easy to pretend all sorts of things.

I met my first partner by accident and we clicked, lasted 25 years before they passed away, still in love. Frankly I was no virtuoso in bed, but we managed and looked forward to being intimate during our lives together.

The second time I did advertise, but took a very long time, first via letters, then emails, then phone calls before we even met. There was always corroborating evidence my partner offed as to being genuine(sas did I) and it was probably 4 months before we even know what each of us looked like.

Stuck in lock-down I guess your options are limited. All I can suggest -and this applies after lock-down as it does now, is not to make your main aim finding a partner, but to let it happen as you go about your life, enjoying the things you do you enjoy, and you feel accomplishment doing.

See who you meet.

Croix

Sophia16
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hey Nunu,

I'm am really sorry for your husband's loss. I really hope you are feeling okay.

Dating sites are used a lot in this generation. I know you probably are not keen to use them and may be scared, but it won't hurt to try 🙂 I met my partner online and now we have been together for 2 years, soon to be engaged. There are many people online, just have to find the right one.

It is definitely much more difficult during his pandemic! Always stay in contact with your loved ones. Video chatting is a way to feel emotionally closer.

Stay safe.

Nunu
Community Member

Thank You Geoff

It feels really good to say it out 🙂

Nunu
Community Member

Thank you Croix

appreciate your response . It really good to know your point of view. I am glad I posted on this forum 🙂

Nunu
Community Member

Thank you Sophia 🙂

Best wishes for you and your partner x

Sophia16
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Thanks, Nunu.

I hope you are feeling okay 🙂