How long to wait for a commitment?

[Harlow88]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some advice please. 
I have been seeing a really good guy for nearly two years. We’re in our mid 30’s. 
He is a widower. We’ve had lots of discussions about this due to my feelings of not being able to measure up. 
We are not officially “together” however we are not with other people. 
He really is a good guy, and my exes have all treated me terribly. He is not like that. 
I have always been very understanding and patient knowing we’d be taking things slow. 
I’m starting to wonder how long is long enough to wait to take the next steps?

Do I wait longer? Or let him go?

Im also starting to notice things that I didn’t before, such as sexual incompatibility and a TINY bit of selfishness. These issues are very small, but I don’t know if I’m self sabotaging. 
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, the more blunt and honest the better. 
Thank you if you’ve read all this!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well, there is some red flags so I think I should justify that comment.

Sexual incompatibility is a major concern, knowing each other for 2 years is long enough to know if that would change.

Females peak with their sexuality later and men earlier, so take that also into account.

The selfishness could possibly be put down to him being single, some people end up with such outlook as they have only themselves to focus on, it becomes a problem when you feel less attention than you deserve as a partner. Some things that display that are- mates, sports eg golf, fishing and doing things without you eg going on trips. Then it is a red flag. There likely is no future for you both if that hasnt changed.

I've no doubt he is a "good guy" but that doesnt make a good partner FOR YOU. Maybe for someone else? However you have needs and I think under the circumstances you described, and as you are not a couple, I suggest spreading your wings to date other guys. If this relationship was to work it will work when he gets wind of you dating and chases you to the end of the earth. That's what you deserve. I hope that helps in a more blunt way than I normally write lol.

TonyWK

[Harlow88]

Wow, what a reply. I greatly appreciate every word you said. 
I understand how it looks and how people reading might think I’m being naive. 
I’d like to add some things for further advice if I may? We spoke about 4 months ago on him working on himself in regards to moving forward, I thought he’d maybe try therapy or talking to people he’s close to. I don’t think he has. We said we’d revisit the conversation in a couple months but he hasn’t mentioned anything. 
He also suffers from anxiety (and performance anxiety). 
He has a lot on his plate (family, work) and we spend time where we both can. I seem to be busy when he’s not and vice versa. 
he really is a good person and we can talk about anything, I genuinely believe he wants to. His issue with moving forward is that he feels he’d be cheating on his late wife. We both cried talking about it. 
I care for him and would hate to see him be taken advantage of. 
I also know that I’m getting up there in age to have kids and everything just seems to be a bit overwhelming these days. 
And please, the more blunt the better! 
I think you may be right about him being a good guy but maybe for someone else. 
He even suggested he doesn’t want to hold me back and doesn’t want to lose me but wants me to be happy, however it ends up. 
Once again, thank you and I appreciate you reply and hope you give me more harsh truth!

[white knight]

The greatest achievement as a champion here is to receive such appreciation,  thankyou.
 
Performance anxiety is a matter that can easily be remedied by a GP nowadays.  But the interest must also be there.
 
It's an honourable, even beautiful thought of him feeling he is dishonouring his late wife but there is a "but", the focus should now be on your needs even a balance of the two.
This is where his inaction over discussed obligations is unacceptable. I'm sorry but when I'm in love my princess is my priority, her needs matter more than my own... it is why I carry her over that threshold!. You can include lack of taking responsibility for his performance anxiety in that, I mean should he have to be told it's his job to try to fix it or your role to just  put up with it?
 
I had 3 long term relationships prior to my 2nd marriage of a happy 12 years. As I began  i dating my current wife (she had been my best friend of 25 years prior) we briefly split. 10 days later we met up to chat. She said she was confused. I told her that's ok then went on to tell her that I will pursue my princess that is out there somewhere forever and when I find her I will commit, protect, treat her as my lady and love her forever. At the moment you are her but it's OK to let me go because my love for you will minimise the hurt you will feel.  We married 6 months later.
 
There is a difference in feeling empathy for your partners struggles, past, challenges and finding the person you deserve with compatibility. Good enough is not ideal. It's not to say it can't be fixed in a short time of proactive on his part.
 
Reply anytime. 
TonyWK 
 
 
 

[Harlow88]

Thank you for taking the time to reply again, much appreciated. 
I agree when you say the interest must be there. I’m not sure it is or I’m sure I’d know about it by now. 
I can’t imagine losing someone I love like he has, and I feel for him. 
I hear what you’re saying. I can’t “force” him to try and get help and I wouldn’t want to. 
I suppose if he really wanted to make it work then he already would have. 
Speaking to others it seems he’s taking a bit longer to move on. To clarify, I don’t want him to forget her or pretend she never existed. 
Im sure it’s not an easy task to start a relationship after losing a partner, but you’re right. It’s not my job to tell him to fix it, nor put up with it no matter how understanding I am. Which I feel I am very understanding. 
Your story of you and your wife is beautiful and it’s wonderful to hear a happy ending. 
The more I talk about the situation the more I feel I might be turned off now. 
And now I’m left feeling terrible to end whatever this is and add extra stress especially this time of year. 
Thank you for your advice, it means a lot to me. 
harlow x

[One_More_Day]

Hi Harlow88,

I am new to this so apologies for delayed reply.

Relationships are fragile and easily taken for granted over time. Familiarity breed contempt...

You are both very fortunate to have found each other. Two years suggests you have some good ingredients. Nurture them everyday, gently, with love and kindness. It isn't always happiness, but the more you stick together and focus on how wonderful it will be in say, 20 years time, to be able to share and reflect on your life together, will not only make it all worth it, you will also be able to better manage those times when you wonder if it is. 

Acknowledge your appreciation for another's company, friendship and support everyday, it will help you deepen your connection and override any quibbles. 

There is nothing out there beyond what you have, the grass is only greener where you water it - stay put and flourish. 

Happy days.

OMD.