How long do you keep trying to help

[Kez77]

So my partner has taken himself of meds and is just nasty and scary.  I have supported him through the hard times and his out rages, verbal and physical abuse and has been months and still no change since his change in meds from addiction 30 years ago and now back on what was working for him and taken himself off his mood meds and now just nasty and angry and will not listen to me or family that needs help for they have seen the change in him.  I have supported through the 3 months thinking will change but it isn't and he doesn't want to accept needs help just blames me for everything, just goes to work comes home and hides in spare room and says nothing.  Feels like he hates himself so much for all the nasty things has said and done to people and me that is just easier to pretend.  I know he has bipolar issues and I have videoed situations so can show him and hoped he would see but just seems to make it worse and I am at the end where I don't know what more to do to help.  I know he needs it and I am here still for I love him and know he loves me and when normal we are great but just don't know how to get through to him.  I have asked us to go to doctors together and to get therapy together and is now like living in a life where just scared for don't know when will lash out or who I am living with anymore just constantly nasty and negative to me and even our cat is like is just always negative and nasty and just the look of his face I don't know who he is.  I do everything I can to make all happy and normal and just get abused and then he runs and hides in spare room.  I just don't know what to do anymore and we have a house together and all so isn't a easy split and that's the last thing I want for I am so worried for his own safety and at times my own.  Any one have any ideas how I can help him?

[Croix]

Dear Kez77~

You have a very generous nature, and the fact even though you have been mentally and physically abused and even been in fear of your own life you worry about your partner's safty says a lot about you. You also tried to reunite him with his daughter - an act of kindness that worked out very badly.

You have also done all the heavy lifting, working long days and paying for everything from the mortgage to sheets.

If I understand correctly  when you first met you partner he was on regular meds and seemed reasonable and loving. Since then various things have interrupted his medical support and now he refuses any medication. (If in fact he was taking any it is not working).

I'm not sure there is much more that you can do. Trying to cope wiht a person who acts angrily, does not show any feeling for you , does not help and refuses medical aid is incredibly stressful, heartbreaking and potentially very dangerous. He as an adult has to agree to accept aid and will not.

The only other way is via what is called a Crisis Assessment Team, and there your videos  and police attendance history might be useful) who may be summoned in your state in the middle of a dangerous episode (and maybe the  police too if anyone is liable to be harmed)

I know your house situation is complex as the loan is in his name, and I'm not sure how much claim you have, this is something for lawyers, and that can be expensive. You mentioned your family has helped, do you have anywhere you could stay if you needed to?

Situations like you find oyurslef in do not seem to have a clear path on what to do. Can I suggest you talk to the organisation that deals with these things, offers counseling and advice, and can put you in touch wiht other resources you might need.

It is 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732). They are available 24/7 and very competent and understanding. They should be able ot set out your options.

I'm sorry you ave found yourself in these circumstances and if you felt like it would like to know how you get on

Croix

[therising]

Hi Kez77

I feel for so deeply as you face so much stress and dread. Such a challenging and torturous way to live. Can understand your desperation to find a difference, given you've pretty much reached the peak of your tolerance levels.

Wondering if your partner has ever given you a sense of what his inner dialogue sounds like. Having been offered a unique perspective in the past, one that points to us having a multifaceted nature, I was led to consider how much inner dialogue can play a big part in that and how certain triggers can create major shifts. Might sound a bit out there but the shifts can influence consciousness or what we become conscious of. To offer an example,

• if someone triggers a sense of shame in us, this can trigger the harsh inner critic to come to life, which can sound like (in the way of inner dialogue) 'You're a horrible person. You should be ashamed of yourself. No wonder no one likes you. You're abusive, useless and you make other people's life hell'. Pretty tough stuff to be hearing day in and day out until consciousness shifts again...
• Next, someone could trigger us to become conscious of something we've been tolerating that we shouldn't be tolerating. An angry and intolerant aspect of self can come to life through such consideration, with inner dialogue that could sound a little like 'No one understands how hard it is for you. If they put more effort in, they'd understand. They're just dismissive. Think about all the things you've been tolerating. Why are you tolerating do much from people? You should be angry with them instead'. Btw, 'Think about all the things you've been tolerating' becomes to trigger to start a list. The end of the list could trigger...
• the victim in us who convinces us that no one cares, which can be thoroughly convincing and depressing

So, the inner critic can raise our consciousness in relation to shame, our intolerant sense of self could raise our consciousness in the way of everything we've been tolerating and the victim in us can make us fully conscious of a sense of victimisation. It can be especially hard when various triggers and various states of consciousness play out in one day.

If you can get a sense of what his inner dialogue sounds like, there might be a chance you'd be able to pinpoint what facet's in play. With such a perspective or theory, when it comes to us possibly being multifaceted creatures, within that theory is the idea that if you can speak to that facet then you can lead a person to wake up to it, why it exists and how to manage it. Most parts of us seek validation as opposed to suppression or being shut down. Kinda like if there's a part of us that sees the world as an enraging or depressing place, acknowledging 'You're right, the world can definitely be enraging and depressing at times. I hate the way the media leads us to see it' reflects validation and one of the major causes or triggers for such a skewed perception. On the other hand, 'Don't speak like that' can be felt as a shutdown.

Of course it's all just theory but perhaps one that may help make some difference. Don't forget to tap into your self loving nature as you seek significant ways to love yourself in the way ahead ♥️