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How do I walk away and move on?

purplemoon
Community Member
Last year I fell in love with an amazing man, very shy, introverted & 'broken' after a traumatic childhood & a life of painful relationships & he admitted he sometimes feels depressed but has never been diagnosed or had treatment, & has a history of family MI. He has a very stressful job & had a couple of melt downs I was able to sit through with him. He would withdraw the next day embarrassed I’d seen him so low & emotional but I’d reassure him then step back & give him space to ‘regroup’. He lacks selfesteem & confidence & doubts himself but kept telling me how wonderful life and a future with me is. Whenever he is down his coping strategy is to put on a mask to appear ok & go to see his teenage child so he has to stay in ok mode, but it is not dealing with the illness.

Just before xmas he was contacted by his ex-partner, a woman who bullied him for years. I watched his anxiety & fear building up & everything fell apart, she reignited very distressing memories & I saw him imploding. He started to push me away saying he isn’t good enough & I should find someone better. I tried to reassure him of my love but he just kept withdrawing. My counsellor told me he’s probably overwhelmed by his feelings, afraid to let me love him. I gave him space to be with family over xmas but he stopped contacting me all together & went steadily downhill & I felt he needed to be hospitalised both for his mental state & seriously high blood pressure. He posted concerning things online & when I went to check on him he was in a very manic state but refused to talk, ran away & broke all contact. I rang a family member to let them know my concerns, they are oblivious to his severe anxiety & depression & told me to leave him alone. He was very distressed & I fear he felt confronted & exposed, yet I’m the only one who has seen how bad things & want to stick by him & help him get well. I know it’s going to be long rocky road ahead but I love him, he’s worth it.

I’ve sent him a few messages over the months to let him know I’m here when he’s ready to let me in but a few weeks ago I reached out & got a very hurtful & threatening text reply & he’s demanded I never contact him again. I’m devastated, I don’t think he is ever going get treatment or be well again. but he’s pushed me out of his life & I just have to walk away. It’s heartbreaking, this is the man I wanted to grow old with & now I don’t know how to move forward. I feel I have failed him & this is a sad loss for both of us.

2 Replies 2

beingbyrne
Community Member

Hey purplemoon

I'm so sorry that you lost someone you loved so deeply....it sucks when that happens, but remember ...we can not control other people's actions, we can only control how we respond to it.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes we just have to accept other people's decisions. You have to move on sweety......I know it's hard and thank you for sharing your story. I feel for you and am here to listen. Take care

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Purplemoon~

You are right, it is a sad loss for both of you. Sometimes we just can't win. If you look around this forum you will find others who have been in similar situations. It is sad but one cannot make someone well, often, as in your case, one cannot even get them to seek help.

I read your account and you have done everything that you could. There are no other avenues you should have tried and although you feel like you failed this person that is simply not true. Feelings of failure are common at times like this, I guess it is the way a caring person's mind works, but unjustified and not good for you either.

Self-blame, and the grief too, are putting a heavy load on you and it would be good if you had your own support. Are there people in your life you can talk to, who will care and understand?

Trying to rebuild your life now is hard. In some ways it is like a death - only worse as the person is still there and one can have unjustified hopes of getting back together. There is no 'moving on' as some silly people advise, it is a question of surviving and building up a little at a time. If you have friends or family use them to the max. If you have occupation throw yourself into it (this is how I've dealt with great loss).

Please feel welcome enough to write again and talk more, you will find care and understanding

Croix