Hole in my heart

[Asenna]

Hi everyone.

i thought I’d share my story with you all hoping to get some feedback.

I’ve been divorced now since May this year but the marriage ended and we separated over 3 and half years ago. It was not a mutual decision. She left for lots of various reasons, mainly though that she wasn’t happy and I was still struggling with major depression. Since she left I’ve begged, pleaded, given her space, been an arsehole at times, fine, and around that merry go round again for at least 3 of those years.

Come the start of 2018, I saw her on a dating app and my heart dropped. It consumed me for a little while but over time the pain and intensity lessened and I took the big leap and signed the papers to be officially be divorced. My depression just didn’t leave me. So I’ve slowly overtime started to deal with my maior depression and I’ve had the longest stretch of some normality for some while. But today I have found out she is seeing someone since January of this year that she met on the dating app. I don’t think that bothered me so much. That desperation of trying to win her back was non existent, yet I feel a deep sadness. Like the hole in my heart just became massive once more. I feel lonely, sad and feelings of being left behind in life. I’ve struggled with grief but also major depression for over four years and have also changed psychiatrists. But, these feelings I have today are not really depression. They feel like a big loss, that I’m not where she is in life, that I just been stuck because of my depression for so long. I feel like I’ve lost something. A life I once had that is lost to the past. Something that only lives in my memory. I can’t understand why my heart hurts so much.

Thank you for listening to me.

Fab

[Asenna]

I feel like all the sadness, the loneliness, the insecurities, the memories, the loss, those feelings of just not being enough for someone else have come and hit me really hard today.

[startingnew]

Hello Asenna

im not and havent been married so i cant imagine how you would be feeling but i can tell your struggle quite qlot.

you meantioned you had depression before the breakup, have you got yourself some supports like a psychologist. gp, and a psychiatrist? If you dont i would very much suggest you speak to your gp about getting some support for yourself. Breakups are very hard let alone with any mental health issue, you dont have to go it alone though, there is help out there.

please keep talking to us here, we are listening to you

[Asenna]

Hi there. Thanks for the reply. I’ve started to see a new psychiatrist after being with my old one for 20yrs. I felt like I was getting nowhere with him and I was always suggesting new ideas. So I changed and have been put on new meds which are slowly working. Yet putting two and two together when my children mentioned that their mother went away to Tasmania with a “friend” and her telling me she has been seeing him for 7 months all this grief just hit me. As though I was going through the 5 stages of grief once more. Yet I wasn’t upset or fixated on the fact that she is seeing someone or who he is. Ive felt I was being left behind with life, that I haven’t happy in life for some while and she has completely moved on. That I couldn’t see myself happy in the future and that I get haunted by memories occasionally by the last 3 years of my marriage. This is all in one day (today)

[Asenna]

I feel quite lonely today. It’s something I’ve struggled with for sometime.

[startingnew]

Hello, that sounds really tough!

i hope your new psychiatrist and meds work for you. have you considered talking to a psychologist and not just a psychiatrist?

On BB we also have the bb cafe and many members are on there, your welcome to join in with the convo there as well to meet some others