Help with Compulsive Lying

[Anxiousandsleepless]

Hi everyone,

I have been bullied most of my life and have lived in poverty for about the same time. I used to lie as a kid and a teen to appear cooler than I was, or to fit in. I knew I was lying and I felt guilty; but never guilty enough to not do it. Then I entered an abusive relationship in my late teens, and I acted so horribly myself that I was terrified of people ever finding out what I did or how I acted.

Then I met some lovely people approximately 10 years ago and I became friends with them. These people are adorable and sweet; they are all well off and live the kind of lives we could only dream of. 

Only problem, they made me feel inadequate. They had money, they travelled, I would get bullied or the side eye when it was made clear I hadn’t travelled anywhere as near as much as them. I was embarrassed. Poverty has had me in the same place for years and I don’t get to travel.

So I started lying about where I was born and where I grew up. Also where I went to school (in case any of these people met these bullies). I told these lies and these people were still my friends, they really liked me and thought I was this wonderful and caring person. My parents were poor so I lied about the jobs they did as well. I was bullied as a kid because mum didn’t work. I always felt bad, but again, never enough to stop.

My life to them seems way cooler than the drab and sad existence I have lived until now. I often lied about my age to try and fit in when I didn’t need to lie about my age (with different people to these).

I have drifted apart from these people because of life these days; and I still love them so much. However, I have hurt them by lying and letting them believe I’m a person I’m not.

I’ve also come to the conclusion I MUST STOP LYING. For good. And I need to tell these people. They don’t deserve to be hurt by me anymore. I desperately want to stop lying and live a life free from lies. I met new people last night and I told the truth about my life. They didn’t judge.

I know I will lose these friends because of I’ve done.

I just don’t know how to do it. I’m too cowardly to do it in person, but I don’t know if a text message is the right way either. I want to stop hurting them. What do I do?

[geoff]

Hello A&s, it's not uncommon for people to tell 'white lies', but when we want to build trust between ourselves and another person/s, then we have to be honest, but this doesn't mean we can't joke with them because this can keep the relationship exciting.

To lie about our age, well I'm sure plenty of people do this, but depends on what age you actually are, so if for example you say you're 18 when in fact you are only 16, then questions will arise, such as why don't you have your licence.

If you love these people, then I wouldn't be making this the focal point, just correct it when the time arises and joke about it.

Please try and remember 'liers' make no friends, because they don't trust you and this is essential in making relationships and saying the truth doesn't lead you open to mistrust.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Guest_1584]

Hi op .

You know there is a real peace in being ok with who you are and with people that are just fine with who you are too . l know how very hard it can be to meet and come across true and real friends but there are people everywhere and some are just like you or will love who you are.

These friends , l know you like them but true friends would not be looking at things like that when you can't do and haven't , what they do. How is that a lovely person? l've known a few people so lucky and clever in life that they've had it absolutely all but have also been humble and excepting that l haven't. But at the same time unfortunately the majority l've come across would more likely fit your friends when it truly comes down to it sorry to say and l've had no interest in being around them. To be around our own and to be happy and at peace we have to be who we are .

l think the lying will pass in time and age. When l was younger l use to lie a lot these days l take shear joy in just telling it how it is , funny really. Or if l don't want to expose certain stuff l try to just not tell it at all or just skim- which is for most people bc l'm a private person and don't just tell all to just anyone.

Good luck anyway. Work in progress  but eh , that's ok.

rx

[ecomama]

Hey there, welcome to the forums. 

You asked what you should do after these years of deceiving people? 
Yep stop? 
There's no Rule Book about the path through this but I really want to commend you on coming to this realisation NOW. 

From my POV I saw a person who was embarrassed about their humble beginnings and felt the need to portray themselves and their life as something different to reality. 
That could be called trying to fit in. 

"Fitting in" is the opposite of belonging. 

Brene Brown teaches us ... "Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

I'm old like randomx, Geoff is a Spring Chicken lol... we've all weathered enough storms in life to know how to simply be ourselves and really duck anyone who doesn't like who we are. 
It's absolutely NO LOSS at all to have people walk away from us. 
It saves us time and energy spent in useless pursuits of connections. 

You are about to come into your own. 
Fill your own skin with the core person you actually are!

This is a beautiful thing. 

You don't need to go all out and post stuff on FB about the real you. You can allow each flake of the facade you've created just fall away should conversations come up that cover these topics. 

This process can be far more empowering than you realise. I hope it is, 
EM

[Guest_1584]

Haaa , now l really must correct something ahhh, it's vise versa l'm about 8yrs younger than our precious Geoff. And l'm happy to say most guess me at about 15yrs younger again than what l actually am in RL though l'm never sure if that's a blessing or curse tbh actually haha.

ps , love the way you put that btw too , in that no need to go all out, just a few flakes here and there, that's pretty well the way l went about things too back when.

Hang in there op .

rx