He won’t get go

[Guest_13542794]

Hello

First time here. I’m struggling and need to get this out.

I’ve been married for 20 years. It’s been an unhappy marriage for a long time now. And it’s truly starting to get toxic. I’m angry and resentful for a number of reasons and I believe the best path forward is to separate.

But he’s not making it easy.

We have two teenage kids. And his main reason for not agreeing, despite seeing the relationship is toxic, is he doesn’t want to lose daily access to the kids.

One of the main reason for the unhappy marriage is that he’s not emotionally available for the kids or I over the years. He has anxiety issues and I’ve tried to be supportive over the years but I’ve had enough. It’s taken its toll on my own mental health. So I asked for a year separation, but he refused to give it to me. Constantly in my face about fixing it and that he will change. He’s had 20 years and I’ve had enough.

Im at my wits end. I know I don’t need his permission to leave. Im trying to find my own place but that’s proving difficult when you don’t have rental history. So for the mean time we are in the same house. He’s in my face daily about how he’s changed and is more present and doing more housework. All I want is to be left alone. But he can’t or won’t do that. So I’m the one screaming to he left alone.

He seems to think this toxic set up is better for the kids than living apart. I cannot understand how someone can think that. I will ask him if his kids came to him in a few years and tell him they are unhappy in their marriage and it’s toxic, would he honestly tell them to stay. For kids sake. That their happiness did not matter? 

Quite frankly kids aren’t happy here. They feel the tension. Is only him. He doesn’t want to not see them daily. Even though over the years, he’s been on his phone for most of their lives which is why they are not close to him.

But because he’s “changed” now, he expects us to be happily family again. We’ve had many fights over the years with many broken promises. It’s only now that he sees I’ve completely detached that this magical change occurred. It’s many years too late. It took me years to slowly detach, he didn’t care then.

And since detaching. I see so many things that said why did I wait so long

He doesn’t respect boundaries. It’s always his comfort that’s most important. Every single time.

I’m at a point where I might just hurt myself so I can finally free of his draining ways. But I can’t do that to my kids because I know they feel it too.

Thanks for reading.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Such a difficult situation for both of you. I admit I'm surprised you both havent attended some form of family counselling especially years ago when differences were clear.

More often than not the partner doesnt make an effort. He obviously knows that if you move out his family unit is dashed. 

I hope you dont mind me mentioning this- there is often 2 sides. Just because he is "on his mobile phone" doesnt mean he wont grieve heavily if the children are no longer living with him full time. As a father that had to leave the family home and rely on visits of the kids every second weekend, the 12 days in between were torturous. Yet my daughters and I had little in common. 

Back to your marriage. He seems to not accept that you had switched off many years ago, now he wants to play catch up and make an effort. You say he hasnt been there emotionally and I'm wondering if he has the capacity to be there with the normal expectations that you imagine. Some people just dont have it in them and even have to be taught how to support others. This is a fault for sure but not their fault they have ended up that way, it could be inherited, lack of emotional development or other reasons like lack of affection when young. When we look at it in those terms we can move from blaming them, to understand why they have become that way and accept it easier. I'm not suggesting its a pivot to stay I'm suggesting a more empathetic approach to a more humane way instead of what blame brings. 

So my first suggestion is a counsellor where you'll tell them in front of your husband that you desire separation and that you want that done as smoothly and as kind as you can exercise it. You can be supportive of his emotions and determination but continue along the separation road during these sessions. If he doesnt want to attend then go along yourself to learn ways of proceeding. Eventually he just might attend based on his efforts. But I'd not let on what has been discussed at the appointments, if he wants to know he can attend.

Apart from that separate bedrooms can help with your irritation levels. See your GP for any disorders that have developed. 

Finally, if you were to find a nearby place to rent (or him) and the children were to establish a daily or every second day visit on the way home from school etc then it could turn out to be a compromise he could swallow. He might even get closer to the children.

This is a very difficult period for you as it has peaked after several years and you do deserve your independence and life without a person you no longer have an emotional connection with. 

I wish you all the best and reply anytime for clarity or development. 

"We can remain kind to our past loved one with support, friendship and laughter while we still walk out the door. That's the hard part, not seeing them as demonic but a person we've become incompatible with...."  (TonyWK)

"The ship of emotion must realise that the ship of oil has no capacity left for any such emotion but can keep the world warm on cold nights" (TonyWK)

TonyWK

Apart from that