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He's stringing me on after breaking up bc of my traditional family

Mermaid007
Community Member
I'm not sure how many similar threads there are but here's what's happening in my life. I've been with a guy now for 8 months but even before then we went on dates and we used to talk. Before we got into a relationship I made it very clear that I have strict traditional parents. He was willing to take that risk. However, recently he's said that it's just too much, that he can't handle the negativity from my family, that they are bringing him down. My family won't accept him because he doesn't go to church while my family is very traditional. I used to see him without telling my family because on the odd occasion that they knew what was happening they would explode. Mum would be hysterical telling me how much of a sin it is to marry a non believer, she'd get migraines and worry to the point where she would be physically sick. He broke up with me because he didn't want to be destroying my life at home, but also because he wanted to have a relationship where the other family would appreciate and respect him. I'm angry that it took him 8 moths to realise the extent of tradition in my family but at the same time I need to understand that a person can only handle so much. What bothers me most is that he still talks to me. After breaking up he still says that he loves me and that he can't stand the idea of anyone else even touching me. If his feelings towards me are so strong why did he leave? He's giving me false hope. He says it feels right to be apart right now even though he misses me but that one day he would even consider to marry me??? He still wants to talk once a week. It really hurts, I know that every break up does but I can't move on. If it's over it should be over for good but he still talks to me. I'm hoping that he will come back to me even though he's said he's made the right decision. He's sending me mixed messages. He doesn't want to say that we've broken up, he says we're just 'two lovers who can't be together'. I am so confused. I know that my family has been a negative in his life but at the same time I can't help but feel that he's putting too much blame on them. Before we were together he'd tell me how hollow and empty he feels. I think those feeling are coming back, that he is looking for something to blame. I know other people who despite religion/tradition are still together. He can't keep on telling me how much I mean to him if he broke up with me. I'm scared that if I completely cut him off then he'll be hurt.
12 Replies 12

Thank you for sharing me with me. It must have been extremely difficult for the both of you but you've made it sound so simple. I just wish that if he wanted to break up with me he'd do so and stop contacting me. When he does contact me it's things like 'I miss you,' 'wish you were here' type.

Its almost like he knows what he needs to do but can't do it properly? At the same time it's giving me false hope all the texts. His words mean so much to me. I don't think he realises

Janksie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dear Mermaid,

I also agree with the different perspectives given by Pipsy and Elizabeth.it is important to consider how you would want this to be and what is more important to you. I also agree with you when you say that ' he has lost interest in you' and maybe gets a good excuse. Why I say this is because I felt the same way 10 years ago.

The only other thing I can think of is talking to your parents about it and telling them how you feel. Just making them see if possible your perspective of things.also if this is getting too much for you and you are sure in your heart that You want to stop contact with him, you may have to take harsh steps such as help from a friend.

I totally understand when you say everything is perfect in your relationship, but if this is what is causing a problem, then it isn't that perfect is it? When I was going out with my boyfriend that I mentioned to you, well the thing was I told him many times,my mum will talk to his parents and we will find that equal point where both families will be happy. But he said no I don't have guts, I can't do this, and then a couple of years after our break up ,he married a girl of different caste (the reason he couldn't marry me) and you can imagine how much that hurt me.

what I'm trying to say is that just like everyone has said above, it would be good is your relationship ends in a friendly note if it has to end and also it is your life and not your parents or anyone else. Have a good think about it and see what you come about it. Just an idea, some times when I get stuck in a decision, I brainstorm and I circle ideas that are more important to me. I'm sure you will come up with the right decision.

all the best dear mermaid.

i hope I didn't say anything to hurt you.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Mermaid. I think if it was me in your shoes, I'd be contacting him and arranging to meet and discuss everything. Find out exactly what he wants, discuss the pros and cons of continuing (if that's what you both want). If, after talking to him, you both decide that's IT, then make that decision and end it. Tell him he's confusing you by texting one thing, then contradicting it by saying another. It's not fair to either of you to have this sort of thing happening. If he wants the relationship as you do, you're both going to have to be very sure because of your parents feelings re: him. Maybe if you do decide to 'give it another go', you could relocate to another church (same denomination) where you're not known. That way you could 'keep' your faith without fear of recrimination by your family. As I said earlier, it's your life, you have to decide how you want to live it. I realize your family loves you, but sometimes families can be very suffocating with their love. If you decide to walk away from the church, that too is your call.

Lynda.