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Have just moved out of the family home - serious and unexpected bout of depression

rhinoceros
Community Member

Hello friends on beyond blue

This is a strange one, in that nothing bad has actually happened. About two years ago I used all my savings to buy a block of land, then did a whole lot more saving and managed to get a house built on said block. This is my first home. I've been looking forwards to moving in for some time now. It's taken almost a year for the house to be built... I'd eagerly check on the progress several times a week. It's exciting and all positive really.

Anyway I moved in last weekend. I found it hard moving all my things there. To put things in perspective I've been living in the same house for the last 27 years (i.e. all my life!). It was very draining emotionally moving things. It made me very sad in many ways.

Now that I'm in the house - I'm beyond miserable. It's just so completely and utterly lonely. The first night I was there all I could think about was how much I hated the place. I'm doing a lot better today, but I'm still really depressed. I feel really stupid as I should really be over the moon about all this.

It's hard to describe but the main thing is that I feel so lonely. It's really hard to let go and embrace the change.

Hoping that things get easier soon, right now I'm really struggling. I'm trying to stay positive as hard as I can.

6 Replies 6

Emmen
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello rhinoceros,

Wow, I'm impressed at your dedication over these years! To have saved for years to build a house...you should be proud of what you have accomplished.

What you said about being lonely and depressed in your new home, it reminded me so much of how I felt when I first moved out at 19. I was looking forward to it so much until the day I actually moved. Seeing my things in my new place just felt so wrong. I felt so miserable for days because it was so terribly lonely and unfamiliar. Like you, I should have been excited and happy, but I guess on some level, we all desire the comfort of what's familiar.

The longer you stay in this house, you will soon begin to feel comfortable and really 'at home' there. The first move is (I find) always the hardest, but I hope you'll feel better as the days pass. I've moved a couple more times since that first move and I generally find that it takes me about a month or so exploring the neighbourhood and getting into a new routine before I start feeling at home and less lonely.

So hang in there, this feeling will pass once you've made yourself comfortable in your new place. In the meantime, explore your neighbourhood, get familiar with the faces you see in this neighbourhood and get into a new home routine in your new home. You have some exciting times ahead and I wish you all the best!

Cheers,
M

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Rhinoceros~

Welcome here to the Forum, I think you made a good move coming here as I'd expect there are many who will have found something similar, may leave their childhood home, though many also leave to be with someone else.

First living in one place all your life will have meant a great deal more than just having a specific roof over your head. It isa large part of your whole world

While I do not know your circumstances by saying you are lonely I'd guess you might have left parents and/or siblings behind. That being the case there is no one to fill the space up, to provide constant presences, to share things with and most importantly to rely upon for everything from humor to emergencies

This is a big break and loneliness really to be expected - for a while anyway..

Add to that all the things you have taken for granted, from the ironing board to the local shop, now all different. In fact your new location may be quite some distance from your old, I'm guessing.

I suppose there are several steps to take, the most obvious is that you ensure that you are safe, simple really, good locks, a set of numbers in your phone and getting to know the neighbors

This last one is very desirable if circumstances allow. You are starting to populate your new home (as opposed to new house) with other people. True they will not be around all the time, but it helps.

If you get a chance to have old/new freinds around, that too helps

Mind you that does mean you have to keep things tidy and the larder stocked:)

Even though the house may have been complete it does not mean it is you. Some thoughts on decorating, from wall-colour through pictures, ornaments, rugs and all the rest makes huge difference.

Apart from all that can I suggest having something to do each day you really look forward to, it's easy for many to veg out in front of the TV etc, but maybe something more positive. Maybe even gardening (not one of my favorites:)

What do you think?

Croix

rhinoceros
Community Member

Thank you everyone for the lovely replies.

You'll probably find this funny, it sounds like I moved 2000 miles away, but I've only moved about a 10-15 minute drive away. Not far at all really, but different suburb. Not an area I'm really familiar with. I lived with my Mum and my younger brother. My brother and I don't get along, however I'm very lucky to have a very close relationship with my Mum.

Part of my problem is I'm terribly sentimental. My mind is firmly buried in the past unfortunately. I find it really hard to look ahead to the future and feel any sense of optimism or positivity. It's a problem I've had for a long time and I'm getting better at dealing with that, but as soon as I get even slightly depressed, things go down hill fast.

I'm doing better today than I did yesterday. Still doing quite a lot of crying sadly but I'm sure that will pass. There are so many things that I still need to do in the new house to make it more functional... there's not much in the way of furniture etc. for example. I was so motivated a few weeks ago to pack things up and buy furniture etc. but now I just have lost all that motivation. Sitting and watching TV isn't even an option as I don't have a TV yet!

I'm trying to stay positive but it's not easy. That in turn with the lockdown situation hasn't helped. I used to have a relatively busy social life. I'm a guitarist in my after-work time, I used to play 4-6 gigs a week. No longer can I do that. I'm also working from home, so even interactions with work colleagues is limited now.

Sorry for sounding so sorry for myself. It's very much a first world problem I realise. I just never realised this change would cause my depression to spiral out of control like this.

Hello rhinoceros,

I'd actually just cry and let it out until it gets better. From what you say, you are getting better each day, so it's just a matter of time until you feel more comfortable. If you miss your Mum, why not call her more often until you've adjusted to your current circumstances? It's definitely hard having someone you're close to suddenly be far from you.

The lockdowns have definitely exacerbated this situation. You've got nothing to distract yourself with. I hope your gigs return, now that the lockdowns are slowly ending. In the meantime, is there any way to still continue performing? Perhaps on social media?

I'd definitely get some new furniture, even if you don't have the motivation just yet. You can shop online if you can't bring yourself to get out of the house (although getting out is perhaps what you need since that's where you meet people!).

What you feel is very real, don't apologise for sounding sorry for yourself. If anything, I'm glad you're taking steps to recover by posting on this forum. Hang in there!

Cheers,
M

Hi rhinoceros,

It will get much easier living by yourself as time goes on, but it takes a little while before a new place starts to feel like home.

I remember when I first moved out of home, I moved to a new town a couple of hours away and I felt completely out of place for the first few weeks. I went out and bought a few new things, to make my space feel more like mine and slowly began to feel better. Eventually I made some new friends in the area, and started to invite one or two people over now and again.

Maybe you could invite a friend or two over, for a drink or a takeaway on the weekend? I know in Victoria we still have pretty strict covid restrictions but we are allowed to have up to 5 friends come over at a time.

Perhaps a small "house-warming" with some friends will make you feel more at home and will give you a chance to catch up with people and let them see your new place. Even if you haven't furnished it fully yet, just inviting a friend or two, will be fun and give you something to look forward to.

Let us know how you are feeling today 🙂

Chloe90
Community Member

Hey Rhinoceros,

Im not sure if you will see this but I hope you do.

im in this exact situation right now and I am struggling. I just want to hand the keys back and go back home.

how did you end up going?

hope to hear from you.