Growing up cold

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I've mentioned in my other thread that my parents weren't the warmest of people. I'm not saying they didn't care at all, but they were so, so bad at it. They modelled a lot that made the rest of the world seem alien to me. It was only toward the end of their marriage that they were fighting a lot. Other than that, I have few memories of seeing the two of them together. When they were, there was no real love there or affection. One kiss I saw, or two, between them - and that perfunctory at best. Significant signs of any kind of emotion other than the odd burst of anger between themselves or toward my siblings and I were virtually non-existent.

I was talking to my sister today about our upbringing. Neither one of us could remember a single hug from our mother, or any kind of touch at all, really. Nor could I remember a hug from Dad, though my sister was less sure. He played with us on occasion, but was usually working. We saw a lot of his back, in essence.

When I think on it, I don't really feel much of anything about it. It's a curiosity, but I think something that did a lot to shape the way I am. It wasn't until well into adulthood that I really understood that affection was a thing of importance to people outside of courtship. It seemed weird and alien receiving a hug from a friend. Relationships seemed like the only appropriate place for touching, since the media loves shoving all that kissy goo goo stuff at us and a lot less of the apparently normal affection between friends and family on other levels, and I had no experience with that sort of thing myself. I only had a couple of friends at school when my folks were still together; sisters, and their parents were quite affectionate... I honestly thought that was the abnormal thing, and it wasn't how things happen for most of us.

It seems strange to say this, knowing I have clinical depression, but I detach from emotion very easily. Though my gut may be churning and my face wet with tears, my mind is in the middle of it saying "What the...? I didn't authorise this." I'm constantly analysing, calculating, observing, and separate from what's going on. I keep wondering if this is simply my personality or a product of my upbringing. Perhaps a mixture of the two. My siblings turned out so differently to me.

I'm not really sure of the point of my ramble, here, other than to say it's not a cry for sympathy. I guess I wonder if others have been through the same, and how they turned out as adults.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Not too late, Paul; your input is always welcome. I admit, though I've spoken to you often enough, I don't know a lot about your history. Sounds like you didn't have the best start ever. I was probably lucky, comparatively, that there was in essence no real emotion around me at all. It wasn't exactly good for me, but I think anger and violence have a far more detrimental effect. I recall seeing you've suffered anxiety, and that's not at all surprising, if you were brought up in a potentially dangerous environment.

If you don't mind me making an observation, I get the feeling you take a lot on yourself. That you perhaps accepted that aggression around you as something you deserved? I say that because of not only your anxiety and depression, but because you are often quite apologetic, and because you don't seem to have taken on the trait of throwing anger all over the place, yourself; rather, you're about the threads spreading peace and love like Mr Burns after his series of life-prolonging treatments (you do remember the X-Files based Simpsons episode, I hope). Has your nature over-ridden what was modelled for you?

Yeah, Geoff was one of the lucky ones, and I'm glad he had that experience. Do you ever wonder what you'd be like if you had been brought up like Geoff? For my part, I've seen someone of my own personality type who grew up in a warmer environment, and he came out kind of soft and weak. Maybe doing it a bit tough was the right recipe for me? But it wasn't for my sister. Horses for courses, and all that.

Joelle, opened up that personality thread, now.

[blondguy]

Hey Blues...I was the black sheep as I refused to 'tow the line' but yes there has been some collateral damage but never enough to make a stubborn Capricorn like me sit in the corner 🙂

I was starting to believe that I was the only Simpsons fan around here....Mr Burns after his series of body adjustments cracked me up.....the spine...the cracking...great stuff:-) I have been throwing my anger around for a while (verbally not physically) and I have made a couple of blunders on here so that wont happen again ( I have been told)..which is fair enough as members/new posters dont need to see that...so I have tripped and fumbled here a bit but I actually signed up in January to make a difference after losing my brother in 1982 when he checked out manually...and myself getting misdiagnosed a few times when my anxiety fired up in 1983.

Domer

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I was never one for towing the line, either. Wasn't a huge deal within my family unit as there wasn't much of a line to tow, but out in the wide world, it has its challenges. There are points at which I'm just too stubborn to "go along to get along", though I'm not a Capricorn...

Definitely not the only Simpsons fan. I find there's a Simpsons quote for everything. One of my colleagues and I could communicate almost exclusively in them. "D'oh!" is frequently heard from my department.

Ah, so I came along after you made your blunders. You've obviously taken the lesson on board. Might be something worth discussing on my anger thread, maybe? A compass for new users, and for those of us who know you a bit and are interested in your journey. From what you've said, it's completely understandable that you'd struggle with managing anger. You've been through a lot that just plain sucks.

(*glows faintly green*) I bring you peace.

[blondguy]

First time I have laughed today with Monty Burns walking out of the forest lmao....thankyou Blu:-)

Smithers to Mr Burns: "ah sir..would you still like to donate that $1,000,000 to the children's orphanage"?

Mr Burns Reply: " When pigs fly"

Pig flys by.....

Love it

Paulx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Glad I could give you a chuckle. 🙂

[Clues_Of_Blue]

This is an old, old thread I started, but a topic I've been thinking about more and more. Life has moved on. I have found safe people to be around, and only in the last few years started to step out of mere survival mode and begin to heal. I can see the dissociation and textbook trauma responses in what I first wrote, here, back when I had no idea it was trauma or that I could have a healthy emotional life and safety to be vulnerable in a relationship or with friends (or, if I'm to be honest, with myself). The emotional neglect in my early life was staggering, and a decent amount of physical neglect, too. My progenitors (they don't deserve the word "parents") didn't grow or change as time went on. I did. And as I did, I stopped being able to tolerate their behaviour; their coldness, their dismissiveness, their self-absorption and simultaneous self-abandonment, their determination to self destruct and drag me down with them. I watched my brother slowly morph into an amalgam of the worst parts of the two of them. Questioned whether it was worth making any effort with him any more, given the relationship I once thought I had with him was thrown into a cold light of doubt by what little I could wring out of him when I confronted him about how poorly he was behaving toward me. Coming out as non-binary gave me the answer I needed, he went on a bigoted rant and all I could do was close the door on further communication. Last thing I said to him was if Mum could accept me as is, she was welcome to contact me. As expected, not a word from her in over a year. Going no contact with her only took not initiating contact. How pitiful is that from a parent? I'd tried at various points to communicate with her about things that weren't right in our upbringing. Responses ranged from barely interested ignorance to defensiveness. I've also lately remembered the thing that tries to pass itself off as my father took us as youngsters to stay with my grandfather (who he knew to have a history of inappropriately intimate contact with children) to spite Mum. I've given up on all of them. I don't regret it. I don't miss them. But holy cow do I grieve the huge hole in my life that should have been a family. I grieve the lack of guidance and comfort and safety every child should have and that I never did. I greive being basically an orphan with living progenitors. I grieve never having any older person in my life to help me through those formative years. I had to figure out every life skill on my own or with only the occasional other child to muddle through a thing with me (but even then it was mostly me working things out for them, I had to be the adult always, even as the youngest sibling). I am not the same person who wrote the first post here, closed off and dissociated and rationalising away every emotion. I am angry, and I have a right to it, and it is motivating huge change in my life. I am sad and hurt, and I finally have people in my life  - including me - who don't humiliate me for feeling those things. I am tired and fed up and I am moving on. But it's a lot to process, and so here I am. Rambling. Processing. It's messy, but I'm showing up for myself anyway.