Im 26. I lost my best friend 3 years ago this month suddenly, a week later I lost my uncle in a car accident, yesterday would have been his 40th birthday. 2 years ago another uncle of mine was killed in a bar fight. Today, I got the news that my Nana has just had a stroke and probably won't make it.
I've had depression on and off for years now, before and during the grief of losing some of the most important people in my life. Right now, I feel like I might explode. I thought today was going to be a better day than yesterday. I don't know how I am going to do another funeral.
I'd love some advice and some strength.
Dear Mel, warm welcome from us here at Beyond Blue forums.
I have so much to say. Firstly consider your options of a funeral. You could attend the service and not the cemetery. I've done this for 35 years. I dont see the significance of attending a cemetery only to be hurt further having said my goodbyes previously.
Dates. You seem to refer to dates of when someone passed on, their birthdays etc. This date memory in you will not assist you with recovery. I've purposely not recalled dates so that I dont inflict more misery on myself. After all, dates eg a particular day of the year only means that that is where the earth was in our solar system at that time, dates are a man made thing for that reason. It doesnt mean much else unless you grasp it as being more and in doing so again it doesnt help your progress of mental repair.
Being realistic. People die. We humans grieve deeply and for often long periods. We cant make sense of death for many reasons. Therefore we need time to dig ourselves out of it. Allow yourself that time and as we are individuals give yourself all the time you need to recover and dont listen to anyone that tells you to get on with life. By taking your time you will less likely not postpone your grief process for the sake of others. Something I did when my brother passed on. Briefly- my mother and father grieved so heavily I cared for them and didnt grieve. then 8 months later they recovered somewhat and I began to feel the ramifications of the event (suicide). Then my mother kept telling em I "shouldnt grieve and get on with being happy."
Strength. There arent many positives in death. But you can use some aspects of their lives as positives towards your own future. A friend recently told me her uncle was an incredible person. He had a chronic physical illness. Yet he never complained. Then even on his death bed with hours to live she visited him. And guess what- he didnt complain and if fact told his niece to not concern herself with his pain. Incredible. So she took that example in her heart and held it there ever since. It made her brave and strong and she hands that strength, that honour down to her own young family members.
Finally. Look after your mental health. Visit your GP more regularly when more depressed. Seek grief counselling and always take you medication.
Remember....caring people like you that hold their friends and family close to their hearts grieve more. That equates to yuo being a very special human being. Big tick.
Like you, I lost a very close friend of mine about 5 years ago. I think White Knight has really nailed it with everything they have said.
Look after yourself. That doesn't always mean spend all your savings and fly around the world like they do in the movies. (Although, if that's what you want to do, then by all means) It might be as simple as making time for yourself. Have a cup of tea with friends, watch your favourite TV shows, go for a really long walk. Just do you.
The only other thing I have to offer is a short anecdote:
You don't get to choose the cards you get dealt in life, but you get to decide how you play them.
Look after yourself
Hugs...Look after yourself, give yourself time to grieve and hold on to all the happy memories you have had with the people you loved. Your memories are something you have with you and reflecting on happy times could make you smile when you are down.
There are no hard and fast rules about grief so be kind to yourself.