GF left with no warning. Looking for some advice.

Scoop04 · ‎27-01-2021

My now ex GF and I have known each other for 17 years. We have been friends but not overly close. That was until COVID hit and we just started talking. We hit it off instantly once the COVID restrictions were relaxed we were hanging out. Because of how long we had been friends we kept our relationship a secret for awhile until we told our closest friends(one of hers is my sister inlaw). This started to make things progress we went to the footy together and started making long term plans, she even mentioned when we retire. This made me so happy, I knew I loved her very early on. I had always known she had suffered from severe anxiety and depression but it never worried me. I was always supportive of her even when she cancelled dates at the last minute. Her health was the most important thing. Things started to change when she got a new job and the support she was promised never came. Her stress levels rose and her anxiety and reclusiveness became stronger. We still talked like everything was fine until one day she asked to meet up and she ended it and told me she didn’t have feelings for me. It felt like to come from nowhere and has shattered me. I know she loves me I have felt it and when she ended it she told me she didn’t want to do it and I was perfect and knew her better than anyone ever has. She even kissed me. I told her everything would be ok and let her go. Things got the better of me and the next day I met up with her again and told her I loved her hoping that she would see that she was worth it and I wanted to be there through the thick and thin. It’s now been nearly 2 months and I can’t stop thinking about her. She is posting things on social media that too most look harmless but to me I can tell she is struggling. I need advice on how do I approach this? I have read similar stories on here about the anxiety kicking in and telling them to run and making them believe stuff that isn’t true. I want her back in my life. We are perfect together. But if nothing more I just want to help her and get her though everything she is going through. She is the most important one to me. So please reach out if you can help me on any way. I’ll be forever greatful.

Helarctus · ‎27-01-2021

Hello Scoop04,

It sounds like you have deep feelings in this situation, but the kind of support she wants, has and needs are different things. Because you two were close that may inhibit some of the types of support that you can provide.

That might sound silly but people have different conversations with their family from their friends and their mates.

If you want to help and they have said they want the romantic aspect of the relationship to end then taking that step back from partner to friend and just asking if they want to have coffee out some time may be the best thing you can offer, for both of you.

Having a neutral setting to just catch up, don't go in with expectations of chocolate hearts. Be you.

In the mean time, having a chat with the people on the BeyondBlue Helpline about how you are feeling in the situation may help you get some of the weight off your chest.

Guest_3256 · ‎27-01-2021

Hi Scoop04.

I am sorry to hear of your situation and it must be tough to experience a loss of a partner through the end of a relationship. You sound like a sweetie, very caring, supportive, loving and very compassionate.

Know that this is not about you friend. Know that your friend may either not be ready to be in a relationship with you or that they may want to be with others.

The most important thing is that you focus on looking after yourself and please continue to be that caring and loving person you are because they are the real relationship qualities and I really hope you find someone who captured the goodness in you.

newworlds · ‎27-01-2021

Hi Scoop04,

I can tell you have deep feelings for this girl and her personal challenges. Sometimes it's helpful to just be there for someone without having any expectations. You are helping by just being accessible to her, but in saying that, it's important to move on with your life also and if you're struggling with that, then they best you can do is speak to a professional. Breakups are rarely easy, and our hearts can be broken quite easily. I do want you to know that those with best intentions and love for others will always find their way in the end. What you have to give is special, because you care for her above simply ditching her and moving on. This shows courage and strength, but that comes at a risk of losing yourself - take it from someone that knows. I'm experiencing a similar thing at the moment - it came out of the blue. It's really not easy and there is no simple fix.

My advice: Put the offer out there to keep in contact, every now and then offer to catch up for coffee if you feel like it. Protect your own feelings though, there is nothing selfish about that. Every day you wonder "what if" is another day that you're looking backwards instead of forwards. Her circumstances will change and so will yours. You may reconnect in the future, but I recommend not chasing it. I also recommend to let her find the help she needs. If she comes to you for help, know how to refer her to someone that is qualified. You aren't responsibly for her mental well being.

Scoop04 · ‎27-01-2021

Thank you all for your kind words, I really do care about her, she is one of a kind.

Im trying the time and space thing, it’s just not easy to do. I struggle being on the sidelines when people I care about are hurting. My biggest thing is I have an amazing support network, my friends are my rocks and all know what’s going on with me and are supporting me like no end. Hers isn’t as good. She works in retail and they are a lot younger and in different stages of life. I was her rock and she told me that at one point as well.

im going to try and do what you have all recommended but the worry and love won’t go away I know that.

so thank you all of you you have definitely helped.