I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety due to my marriage breakdown, my daughter's mental health issues and sexual abuse when I was a child. I am on meds and see a psychologist. I am really doing much better but am struggling with boundaries in regards to my friends. I am very close to a few and am terrified of losing them. So i push myself in their space almost to sabotage the friendship so I can say that i was right that they were going to abandon me. I don't want to lose my friends but know that i have to step back as at the moment i am overpowering. It just causes so much anxiety. It's almost an obsession, i just have to talk to them every day, even if it's just online. They say they understand but i know i will push them away eventually. I feel pathetic and really struggle with this side of myself.
Thank you for sharing your story, it took a great amount of courage. You have been dealt a tough hand, and I am very sorry to hear that. Nonetheless, you are clearly a courageous woman, and I admire your strength through what has been a tough time.
You are taking the right steps - getting help, getting the right medication, and maintaining friendships/support network. It seems your friendships have been the most stable thing in your life, and thus you are clinging to them as if they are oxygen or life itself. This is understandable given what you've been through, but as you've identified, not necessarily the most healthy thing to do.
But that is ok, this can be reconciled and adjusted to a more healthy interaction over time. What you don't want to create is a self-fulfilling outcome here - where you obsess over losing your friends so you cling more, and by doing so your relationship sours and lo-and-behold, just as you thought, you lost your friends! It does not have to be this way.
Discuss healthy boundaries with your psychologist. Discuss strategies for dealing with the fear of losing your friends, and distractions/activities you can rely on when these feelings overwhelm you. Once you get a grip on this, good friendships tend to take care of themselves with little effort.
We are here to chat, and you can always call the BB Helpline if needed. All the best to you.