Finding out your the other woman

novictim1 · ‎13-10-2016

When I met this guy, he was my boss at work, we got drunk at work function and hooked up. He then told me afterwards he had a partner. I was angry and we were just friends after that. He told me they were over, and he even tried moving in a couple of times but we taught a lot because I was insecure deep down about this woman I guess. It was on and off for a year and a half. I have been a rape victim, it took me three rounds of court to get my attacker in jail, who was my uncle. My father was my best friend and died suddenly and horribly in hospital losing his brain and all his functions, my grandmother also died horribly after a stroke, I'm emotional and depressed and have anxiety issues. He knew this. But he continued to love and support me with his own issues. He had an ex wife with four kids with a terrible divorce and depression. His brother suicided over drugs so we connected on a deep level. He got promoted and travelled all around Australia, and every month we'd go halves on flights and I'd visited him. He came back last week to her place to get the last of his things he said and then move to a friends place. I ended things because we were fighting again, he would ignore me for days at a time and never let me in on important things in his life and I felt I deserved more. I found out from work mates he'd fallen and hurt his leg and needed surgery, so I went to the place to see if he was okay, he was not there, she was. She told me they were together the whole time sleeping together and I was just a nusciance. It was like a freight train straight to the chest. Why drag me on for a year and half with I love you and words and tell her it was just sex? She sends me intimate spiteful emails and I don't know what to do. I can't believe that someone so genuine would lie and do this? My friends saying I told you so, and choose wisely next time is not helping.

White_Rose · ‎13-10-2016

Dear Novictim

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sorry to hear of your losses. Please accept my condolences.

What a horrid person he is to do that to both of you. I imagine his wife/partner was also upset. It's quite disgusting to take advantage of your vulnerability in the way he has.

Re the emails. Put her on your blocked list. There is no need for you to receive this horrible stuff from anyone. Also block the ex from your emails and phone. I imagine he does not try to contact you but just in case.

With friends like that who needs enemies. I told you so is just not helpful and is only used to make the speaker feel superior. Tell her not to talk about it if she cannot say something caring.

It will take some time to feel better about this, which is not what you want to hear, I know. You need some comfort and nurture so if you do not have friends or family who will care for you then go and have a chat to your GP about counselling. You need what I call a safe place to talk about your losses. BB is a safe, no will judge you or harm you in any way. A counsellor's office should also be a safe place for you.

In the meantime, try and keep to your usual routine however hard this. The routine will help to keep grounded and give you some stability in your life. Write in as often as you need.

Mary

Touille · ‎14-10-2016

HI novictim1,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss of your lovely father and grandmother. I know what it can be like when you experience sexual abuse, my mother and her siblings were raped by my Grandfather when they were young, well the rest I won't say, as it will send chills down your spine. I'm proud of you for putting that low life uncle in jail.

Now, this boss of yours seems like a player, sneak, secretive and a person with no conscience or no regard for how he treats women. He probably will never stick to one woman. I suggest you stay away and cut all contact with destructive people and block the other woman.

You need to see a good GP and counsellor to help you cope.

In future, look for a guy with no ties, open to good communication, committed, honest, kind and eyes only for you and loyal. Please don't let this experience damage your views on men, they are not all like that guy.

Avoid chatting to your friends about it, it's not nice for them to criticize you as you were very sincere.

I broke up from my GF a year ago and still feel the pain. Some friends and family say, we warned you, which doesn't help, so I feel for you. Have a good cry and seek professional help. Chat on here, there are plenty of understanding people on here.

I hope my message helps you.

Take Care,

Hugs,

Touille.

CMF · ‎15-10-2016

Hi,

first of all I'm so sorry you've had to endure so much heartache in your life so I'm sending you a big hug.

with regards to this guy, White Rose and Touille have made the same suggestions I would but I noticed you said "I can't believe someone so genuine would lie and do this." If you can change this thought, it may help. He is NOT genuine. I understand you had a deep connection but He has been lying to you and cheating on you with this other person but he's cheating on her with you. He was trying to move in with you, he sounds like the type of man who can't be on his own and needs a woman to do things, no independence. I too was once with someone who seemed genuine but I have now seen a side of him that is awful and I don't even know who he really is anymore. He was secretive and only disclosed things when he thought he would get caught out ie he was still in contact with his ex as a friend and she used to sleep over (in another room) because his mum invited her. He only to,d me because the family were moving to live near me and he thought I'd see them around. He told me if I bump into them don't be a stranger, say hi, but he didn't want to tell her he was seeing me as she still wanted him and didn't want to hurt her.

my point is I question how genuine he really is, secrets that hurt people are the same as lying in my eyes. He was keeping secrets from me and her.

you need to give yourself time to heal. A counsellor would be great as well as BB. I find writing my feelings down helps too. Just write everything you feel and throw it away. When you're ready. It gets it out of you mind and onto the paper, your transferring your thought. I did that with HIM, it cleared some space in my mind.

do you still se him at work?if si this wouldn't be helping. Are you able to do anything about this if it's the case? He has been through a lot too, is he addressing his issues, depression etc? It u fortunate that he too has experiences difficult times but it's no excuse to treat you the way he has.

take care of you

cmf x