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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Matsuflex Loving a girl outside of existing relationship...Causing huge mood swings
  • replies: 4

Hello everyone, This is my first post here - I've been struggling with this for a few months now, so figured it was probably time to ask for a bit of advice. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 5 years now. Things have always bee... View more

Hello everyone, This is my first post here - I've been struggling with this for a few months now, so figured it was probably time to ask for a bit of advice. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 5 years now. Things have always been smooth sailing, and I always considered myself to be deeply in love with her. Towards the beginning of the year, however, I started having an existential crisis of sorts - I was about to turn 26, but I wasn't (and still am not) where I want to be in life. I started thinking about all the things I want to do before I hit 35-40, and started having a very vague sense of panic that I was going to achieve anything before that happened. My girlfriend is in her 9th year of university and will be a dentist by the end of the year, and the fact that she will only be licenced to work in Australia was compounding this fear of being tied down. A couple of weeks later, this new girl started at my work, and we immediately hit it off. It was literally like she could read my mind, and was telling me EXACTLY what I wanted to hear with regards to achieving things in life (career-wise, adventure, family, etc). She had moved to Brisbane from Perth to be with her boyfriend whom she met travelling, but her relationship was failing. I spent the next few weeks thinking pretty long and hard about things, and ended up telling my long-term girlfriend that I needed some space (not to immediately pursue something with this new girl, but to actually contemplate my life goals etc), while the new girl had done the same thing in her relationship. Sure enough, the new girl and I ended up having a bit of a fling, but neither of us had completely severed ties to our previous relationships. She ended up going for a weekend back home in Perth, where her friends/family convinced her to get back with her boyfriend. After she broke the news to me, I felt completely numb for days. I was so furious, but at the same time I knew that this was always a possibility. Fast forward a few months, and my long-term GF and I are trying to work things out and get things back to normal (with the added intention of being more adventurous, plans to travel etc). However, I am still deeply, hopelessly infatuated with the new girl, and my moods are hugely dependant on how things are going with her, rather than my GF. I feel like a real scumbag for treating my GF this way, but at the same time I feel so depressed that I don't have a future with the new girl..

Cumulus Building a Shark Net
  • replies: 1

I only have 17 friends on FB and met them all in life. This guy knocked twice. I ignored him first time, then the second time, I asked him if we had met. He said he was a musician and we friended in 2007 about a creative project, and he then sent me ... View more

I only have 17 friends on FB and met them all in life. This guy knocked twice. I ignored him first time, then the second time, I asked him if we had met. He said he was a musician and we friended in 2007 about a creative project, and he then sent me all the messages to validate this. He later admitted he had met me on dating site…so he had been keeping me on file enjoying my portrait profiles. From April we shared music tastes, projects, philosophy, and then photos as kids of the 70s, struggles with depression and mental blocks. His honesty made me feel safe to talk about my struggles with mental illness. He slipped once, and was overtly sexual, sensing discomfort, he called to clear it up. Next day sent me photos of him with his daughter. I knew he was authentic with his name, as he posted images of his band in the studio which had computers with current dates, and his mates would comment using the name he gave me, and he would call me. I had no reason to worry, but I was becoming very reliant on him. Though always talking about how busy he was, he was in contact with me nearly 24/7 for hours. I’d wake up to a good night text with kisses, and see at 1 or 3am, he had liked and commented on every post I put up. The slippery slope started when I had a serious set back losing my job in May- he jumped right in to PROTECT me from myself - the seduction game started. I asked him several times if we could meet. He said he wanted more time to enjoy me, and he felt it in best interests for me to wait. I said we needed then to stop the intimacy - he became belligerent and said I had made that up in my head - he spoke to me like he would his Aunt and Daughter. Calmly, I sent him all the intimate messages, and sensual photos he had sent me (generally after a powerful counselling self love session). I did not enter an argument – just showed him the facts. My carer then became my abuser - I was an IDIOT, other women did not complain, he did not respond to expectation and and he didn’t want an ‘ugly feminist lesbian’, he wanted a vibrant sexy woman. My response - if he wanted a vibrant woman why was he pursuing a sick woman? He has been blocked - but I was left shocked - I was LOVE BOMBED. I’ve locked all my photos and removed portrait profile photo. I have changed privacy settings so only friends of friends can request to join my site, and I’ve locked down my FB page. It is a sad and dangerous game that man is playing.

Breakingheart Am I depressed or just hurting
  • replies: 4

After a 33 year relationship with 28 1/2 years of that being married, it is now over. Things have got to the point in our relationship that cant be fixed, we are financiallly strapped after my ex husband not working for 8 months, so as a result we ar... View more

After a 33 year relationship with 28 1/2 years of that being married, it is now over. Things have got to the point in our relationship that cant be fixed, we are financiallly strapped after my ex husband not working for 8 months, so as a result we are separated but still under the same roof, he is in a different room and there is no form of relationship physical or emotional. This is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. Throughout our time together he has suffered major depression and I have been there to support him, love him and pick up the pieces, I pretty much raised our 3 children on my own. I was always there, who was there for me, no one asked how I was coping, how are you feeling, when cracks started appearing in my wall I quickly rebuilt it so my inadequacy and worthlessness could not seep through. As a result of me hiding my feelings for so long our physical, emotional and closeness suffered immensely, I take ownership of a lot of it but after a lot of self reflection It cant just be my fault but he just says we are both to blame but wont talk about or own his part in this mess. At the moment I don't sleep, I hate nights as the darkness closes around me and my mind thinks all sorts of weird, disparaging and horrible thoughts. Am I just sad or am I becoming depressed, my ex mentioned it and I "laughed" at him, I am seen as the strong one, I have an ability to put up a ,facade but my god I am hurting on the inside. Am I so controlling because of my past, my parents separated when I was 11, I was touched by my step father but never said anything to anyone and I have always had very low self esteem. He has sunk into the depth of depression again but has sought relief and emotional support in a third party involved in our separation, that is hard and hurts me but I know we are over and it has nothing to do with me. So I guess my question is am I just sad and hurting or are things getting the better of me and I am sliding into some form of depression?

Timmy_B Trying to move on
  • replies: 11

Hi all, just trying to reach out and get some helpful advice on my relationship situation. My wife and I have been married for the last seven years but been together for about 16 years. We have 2 children 5 & 3. We have separated and this is the seco... View more

Hi all, just trying to reach out and get some helpful advice on my relationship situation. My wife and I have been married for the last seven years but been together for about 16 years. We have 2 children 5 & 3. We have separated and this is the second time as the last time was 12 months ago. She asked for the seperation the first time and I asked for it the second however I did it for her as leading up to it she really closed off from me and had a look of death in her eyes towards me. She would not talk about it and I told her I just wanted to see her happy and not hurt her anymore. It has been about 5 weeks now and we are being amicable as we want to do the best for the children, I am living in the studio down the back and she is in the house with the kids. The kids stay in the studio with me sometimes. I support her as much as I can with bringing in the sole income and helping with the kids. I am really finding it hard to move on, I am grieving the loss of my wife and it is effecting me in the way I am parenting as I just feel sad when I am with the kids and as we are still parenting together I see her a lot and it is really hard as I crave that connection we once had. I am also finding it difficult on the sexual level as I am still sexually attracted to her. I am mixed up at the moment and just want to find a way to move on. Not sure what to do? how do you stop loving someone you love and care for? she has told me that she loves me as the father off our children and that she misses me, but I know it is for the better that we both move on in our life journey as we have just grown in different directions. How long does it take to get over your love for your wife when you decide to do life apart? what are the big challenges going to be? Tim

Zooeys24 An Aching Heart in Need of Some Help
  • replies: 7

Hello Everyone, I'm new here and am in need of some help. I just got over the ugliest breakup of my life. I've always been prone to anxiety and depression but this is the worst I've ever experienced. About five months ago (I know, not even that long)... View more

Hello Everyone, I'm new here and am in need of some help. I just got over the ugliest breakup of my life. I've always been prone to anxiety and depression but this is the worst I've ever experienced. About five months ago (I know, not even that long) I started seeing this guy who kept asking me out (he was a friend of a friend and I figured 'why not' just to be nice) and it wasn't long until we really connected and started seeing each other everyday and spending every minute together. I had recently gotten out of another relationship and I wanted to not take things too seriously because I didn't want it to be a rebound relationship and I was very clear to this guy about that. But, I fell super hard. This guy seemed perfect, he seemed really sweet and we liked all the same things and I absolutely loved the way I felt around him. He told me he loved me every morning and every night and I ultimately said I loved him too, which was very hard for me to say, but I think I really did love him at the time. Unfortunately, he was still sleeping with his ex girlfriend and multiple others that I didn't know about and started to treat me very strangely. He started stealing my phone and reading it while I was sleeping, he became very obsessive and would yell and swear at me when I didn't call him back, etc. I would naturally tell him that wasn't okay and started to question if I wanted to be with him, and then he would try to be nice and say he was sorry and just a bunch of emotional manipulation. It ended when one of his lady friends wrote him an anonymous note telling him she was pregnant. He called me and said that we needed to talk and ended up locking me in his house and forcing me to take a pregnancy test. I was so confused and had no idea what was going on. We got in a huge fight and I got scared and left. I blocked all forms of communication with him because I was so hurt. However, he then started contacting all our friends making very cruel and strange things up about me, because I'm guessing he's mad because we fought? I'm in shock at what a jerk he's being and all logic tells me that I'm lucky this happened now. But it's crazy, I miss him. I sound nuts, but I've become so depressed just thinking about him and missing him that I can barely eat and sleep. I'm not sure why I feel this horrible and sad, but it's been about a month and I can't figure out how to move on from this ugly part of my life. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks so much.

chariot my dh works away from home
  • replies: 1

My dh works away from the family home and has done on and off for two years. He has just taken work in central Australia on a 3 weeks on 4 days off schedule. He tells me he doesn't love me anymore but we are good friends. We are seeing a marriage cou... View more

My dh works away from the family home and has done on and off for two years. He has just taken work in central Australia on a 3 weeks on 4 days off schedule. He tells me he doesn't love me anymore but we are good friends. We are seeing a marriage councillor which he wants to keep doing whilst he is away again. Honestly I am very confused. I love him and the last few years have been hard. I was left to raise 3 children on my own one of them less than a year old when he left. He stopped communicating while away and I became resentful. I asked for marriage counselling then but he refused only agreeing once he fell out of love. We have been on and off again the last few weeks which is simply emotionally draining. Our youngest child is now 3 so things are still intense for me at home. We have agreed to continue marriage counselling at this stage but he wants to be formally separated. After a 16 year relationship and 3 children theres a lot of water under the bridge. I don't know if I should continue and see if his friendship feelings turn back into love or just call it now. I want to keep trying but it's hard enough with him in the same state now he's 2 states away and mobile coverage is unknown. I'm confused. He says he wants to be separated but still wants to do marriage counselling when he's home for 4 days, he doesn't love me but thinks of me as a good friend. there is very little touching although our communication has improved dramatically since we started seeing the councillor. Thanks for reading

white knight Opposites attract- is that good?
  • replies: 1

In terms of relationships I suppose I've had around......let me see, say 6 that are over 2 years in length. Three over 5 years including my first wife (11 years), a defacto (10 years) and my wife (4 years but we've known each other 28 years) Up until... View more

In terms of relationships I suppose I've had around......let me see, say 6 that are over 2 years in length. Three over 5 years including my first wife (11 years), a defacto (10 years) and my wife (4 years but we've known each other 28 years) Up until my now wife, all partners were introverted by nature. I'm not extroverted but am "loud" according to some and outspoken. I suppose that makes me extroverted. Anyway each of those before my wife were out of synch with me on so many levels. eg Punctuality - they all left me waiting in the car before an outing, sleep- they all slept at different times of the day/night than I and thinking...this isnt easy to describe but its like they were on another planet. We could never really get our thinking to work together. All these past ladies I felt guilt for leaving them...I took on all the blame to myself. For what ever reason. Enter my wife. We did have the benefits of knowing each other for nearly 3 decades. I once match made her to my then brother in law and was best man. So I knew her personality and it was very much in synch with mine. We are at the same pace, when leaving from the house there is only one minute difference...no need to wait long, we very often think of the same thing "lets go chinese tonight" She stares at me...yep- she was about to ask me the same thing. Yet we go there only every 6 weeks or so. I suppose I realise that I used to choose the wrong girl. We should always not blame others for a marriage failure. For I was 50% of that relationship. Those ladies didnt twist my arm up my back to be with them- it was lust.So poor judgement on my behalf.But I only know this now because of my wife and how well we connect. Otherwise I would have gone to the end of my days believing I was a failure. Which leads me to my point. Every potential partner is different. We should never give up on love. We should never judge ourselves as being a failure as a partner especially if branded that by the partner we are separating from. And finally and most importantly. Children. We should never demonise the other parent to our children. This is so true even if you are demonised by the other parent. It isnt a war if you dont play the game of war. A one sided contest will one day come back to haunt the aggressor and your children will likely hold that parent to account. There is honour in doing the right thing even if that isnt apparent in the early days. Choosing a partner look for a synchronised nature with your own. Tony WK

lostindarkness Lost
  • replies: 3

For the longest time i have felt like i have been loosing little pieces of myself. First it was family and friends. They would do things that would make me so mad, i decided to wipe people out of my life, so much so that there is hardly anyone left i... View more

For the longest time i have felt like i have been loosing little pieces of myself. First it was family and friends. They would do things that would make me so mad, i decided to wipe people out of my life, so much so that there is hardly anyone left in it. But that was ok because i like having my own little bubble that doesn't have any toxic people or the dramas they seem to cause. My main priority is my partner and my 4 kids. I don't need anyone else. Except, i need my family to help out at home. All i ask is dishes get rinsed off before they are stacked ready to wash. Put your clothes in the right way before you put them in the washing basket and i am happy to do everything else. Nope. Too hard. And the worst one for it is hubby. I come home from work, feel like i am living in a house from "houseos" except without the drugs, and if i don't clean, it either doesn't get done, or they might as well have left it for me to do anyway. This is not how i want to live, why can't the people i love more than anything in the world help me. I am failing to meet my targets at work, and people are whinging about me. Makes me feel like just throwing it in. But we can't afford for me not to work. That, and staying at home feels suffocating and not fulfilling. Especially when there is no appreciation. I've gotten to the point where i have days off, i get out of bed to drop the kids at school, then i spend the rest of the day in bed, sleeping or watching movies. I can't even tell you the last time i had sex, and even longer than that my desire for it. I would rather escape in the fantasy worlds that i watch, than actually do anything. Happily ever after doesn't occur in real life, it does on tv. I miss my old self, and i feel like crap that my kids are growing up with this horrid person as their mother right now. Sometimes i don't even want things to change, i just want to sleep. All the time. I feel ok when i sleep.......

TeaAndToffee Stepfather Cutting Ties
  • replies: 2

I guess I'll start with the basics. So my stepdad moved in with us when I was only 1 year old - he lived with us before I'd even had my first birthday. Things were pretty good, but his marriage with my mother started dissolving before I was even 10. ... View more

I guess I'll start with the basics. So my stepdad moved in with us when I was only 1 year old - he lived with us before I'd even had my first birthday. Things were pretty good, but his marriage with my mother started dissolving before I was even 10. What happened then was a 7 year break up. To be quite frank, it was a relief when they finally split a few days after i had graduated high school. But I kept in contact, of course. This was the man that raised me. Apparently he doesn't feel the same. I'm now 22, and he has just informed me that he wants to cut all ties. So now I'm left wondering why the guy who's my dad in all but blood has just decided to waltz off into the sunset without us. It's not like we had a bad relationship. I've been financially independent since moving out at 17, send birthday/Christmas/Father's Day cards, phone every other week just to chat, and meet up whenever I'm on break from uni. I guess I'm just looking for someone who's been through something like this. How do you get over this sort of thing? I don't even know why he's doing this - and my sister says that he has said the same things to her, two weeks after agreeing to walk her down the aisle. Just.... I'm not sure how to feel. Would really appreciate advice from somebody who may have dealt with something similar

white knight Frog and the scorpion story- consider that message
  • replies: 0

For those unaware of this story. . A scorpion, desperate to get to the other side of a river, asked a frog if he could ride on his back to get there. The frog declined "you'll sting me" said the frog. The scorpion denied he'd do that several times an... View more

For those unaware of this story. . A scorpion, desperate to get to the other side of a river, asked a frog if he could ride on his back to get there. The frog declined "you'll sting me" said the frog. The scorpion denied he'd do that several times and finally the frog relented and swam across the river with the scorpion on his back. Just as the frog got to the other side the scorpion stung the frog and the frog lay dying. "But you promised scorpion, that you wouldnt sting me, so why did you"........."because its my NATURE" said the scorpion. A relationship is the combination of two personalities, individuals with unique qualities and quirks, values and traits, reactions and expressions. Over long periods of time (usually) a couple can predict the others response during conversations. Sometimes the partners responses, actions, expressions are not what you want and you begin to see other people that wouldnt react that way and suddenly the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence.Others wouldnt say that/do that/react like that. I've brought this topic up because I've got two sets of friends that clearly are going through a tough period in their marriages. All four appear to have little respect for their partners. It's sad to see and their reactions during a dinner with all six of us has turned into a disaster on many occasions. Why is it I ask myself- that there is such lack of respect for each other? I believe its that one or both in such a relationship have not accepted or have lost along the way...the nature of their spouse. One clear example of this occured at a recent BBQ. The tension began when our female friend asked her husband to "pass the sauce please" her husband grabbed the sauce and held it in his hand while he kept speaking to my wife. 20 seconds went by and the female rolled her eyes at me. I could see her frustration. Then she exploded. "I asked you to pass the sauce and what do you do? keep talking.This is typical of you....no other man treats his wife with such contempt" I know my male friend very well. His inability to focus on more than one thing is clear to me and is an example of the male's inability to do this -to an extreme. He intended to pass it to her. He got distracted to the point whereby even though the sauce was cradled in his hand- he didnt think to pass it to her to complete her request Poor memory, easily distracted and many other actions is all a part of someones nature.Best to subtly steer it than to try to change it