My relationships are definitely taking a strain because of physical and mental problems. And i need people more than ever but for i dont feel i can safely be this way around them
to expand on that, i have lost this month people who i love so deeply. We had plans to move in together only for everything to end this month. After a while of distance they said there was problems between us they tried to fix on their own and cant. Theyre living the life we dreamed of without me now. I still know them which sometimes feels like more than i deserve knowing that i hurt them but i shouldnt complain lest i encourage one of the only things keeping me going to completely cut me off. I dont have negative feelings towards them they did what they had to but my heart is broken and i wish they couldve told me what was wrong. I feel like that wouldve been better. Or at least could have been. But they made the decision they did so
then theres a friend group i largely havent seen since december. Sometimes i would drop out of plans or look unwell during them because of my mental health and disabilities and that makes me feel insecure too. Even if my mental health improves im probably always going to have these chronic pains. But i guess being less than 100% is too much for them so as much as i want to meet up again im so scared. I will just hurt people more if dinner upsets my stomach and i need to sit to the side for a bit. Its more complicated than that. I know there are people in the group who care, and its possible the ones who trigger traa not 24 hours old or seem to not have the same interest in my existence they do the rest of the group do. But at its core i feel i need friends but
I also know there are other people. I am meeting new people but im in too much pain to do my part in encouraging those relationships grow. And i worry eventually I’ll hurt my other friends just like i did both of the above. Ive never not lost someone.
