Feels like im drowning

[MissMel]

Hi everyone,

My partner and I have been together for 16 years. We had a baby young, and our issues started then. We have always pushed through our issues, we never resolve anything and just move on.
We bought a house together 8 years ago, and then shortly after he started having issues with his back. His back causes him ALOT of pain, which makes him angry. Door slamming, yelling, and swearing are common our house. Our house is falling apart, and his back is always the reason things don't get done. Our huge yard is out of control and his family has offered to help clean it up, but he refuses.
When approached about the house, he tells me that he needs me to help get it all done. But I am overwhelmed with working full time, doing all the cooking and the cleaning. When I explain that to him, he says he is trying to help around the house, but the most he can do is feeding the pets because everything else hurts his back. Im left feeling like an unappreciated maid.
Ive been sleeping in the lounge for months. We have had some huge fights, and some things have been said that make me feel lower than ever. He has told me that im a bad person, that im lazy and that he regrets telling people that im supportive partner. Its also become clear that he is holding onto a night from 14 years ago when we were drunken kids, I broke up with him and was with someone else. We got back together a couple weeks later, but its still being brought up 14 years later.
We both have depression and anxiety which is hard. I know Im not blameless in is. When things get hard, I put walls up and shut down to protect myself.
I made the decision a couple weeks ago to move out and rent for 6 months. I suggested counselling months ago but was told that if I wanted it, I would have to pay for it. I have the support of my family and have signed the lease already. Its going down with him like a tonne of bricks. I've asked him to please let us trial it so we can try and heal ourselves. But he said if I leave, I won't be able to come back.
I can't sleep, I cant eat. Im always shaking and close to hyperventilating. I feel so guilty, like I'm abandoning him. He needs help too but I just can't give that to him. Im terrified that Im making a huge mistake and breaking our family up. Im trying to get help. Ive seen my GP and started a mental health plan and I've made an appointment for myself with Relationships Australia. I love him so much and im heart broken but I also cant go on like this.

[Guest909]

Hi Mel

From what you have said, I would suggest that your husband has some deep rooted problems. I agree, he does need help, but I don't think that you can help him given the way he is treating you. He needs professional help.

Ecomama hit the nail on the head when she said that your husband is "projecting". If you don't know what "projection" is, I have cited a definition below. You will find much more on this topic online.

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism people subconsciously employ in order to cope with difficult feelings or emotions. Psychological projection involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than admitting to or dealing with the unwanted feelings.

Paul

[MissMel]

Hi Paul,

Projection actually makes a lot of sense. He is using the word "selfish" alot and I can only assume that's how he feels.

I got a little sleep last night, but woke around 3am from anxiety and just sort of dozed till dawn. I wake up nauseous and shaking, my mind racing with fear of the future. I tend to jump on here and just read through others posts, it helps me feel less alone. This forum has been a saving grace.

Mel

[MissMel]

Hi Sophie,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I plan on making a call to a counsellor when I feel safe to do so and I know I wont be overheard.

Mel

[smallwolf]

In this time that feeling safe to be able to make that call to a counsellor can be difficult. I recently had a call with my psychiatrist from home - in that call I was highlighting the positives and could not bring myself to talk about negatives in case others in the family might overhear.

I would agree with ecomama also about giving 1800 RESPECT a call - only you truly know what is happening and by talking about this someone else you also get some ideas how to handle the situation moving forwards. Depending on how that future looks when moving forward can be daunting.

This might seem like a dumb question and assuming you spoke with you family about what is happening, may I ask what advice you were given?

Please know that you have the support of this community here.

Tim

[Guest909]

Hi Mel

To my knowledge, "projection" is generally a symptom of an underlying "personality disorder"; which one in anybody's guess. It sort of ties in with your husband's substance (weed) use.

I'm glad that this forum is helping.

[MissMel]

Tim,

The advice my family has given is to me is focus on myself, my son and the draw on the strength from the others around me, to lean and rely on them and know that im never alone.

Ive never felt more alone or afraid in my entire life.

Mel

[ecomama]

Hi Mel

We're with you all the time. You're not alone! We care and so many people care about you in your life. We're holding your hands every step of the way and are part of your cheer squad because you are a champion!

Reaching out will help, some helplines are open 24h a day. You will feel SO MUCH BETTER if you do call. The counsellors are awesome and you can speak with a psychologist in some cases and be glad you made the call. People really understand what you're going through Mel. Many of us have been in similar situations. I understand.

If you like, you can save these numbers in your phone under pseudo names and lock your phone.

Your senses are on high alert because you sense danger. You're taking a stand and standing up for yourself. You're moving out too and all this is against your H wishes / demands, even laced with threats. Your disturbed sleep, waking up a lot and shaking are all signs of things like panic attacks and trauma responses. Grounding exercises can help but talking with a mental health professional as well is best. You've got this.

You are strong and wise. You are making the right decision and you know this on ALL levels.

It's natural to feel for H at this time, you've cared for him all your adult life and since you were a teen. Plus he demands attention. It's time for him to look after himself as you're doing for you and your son. He needs to put his big boy pants on and take responsibility for his 1 self, as you are doing for 2 people now. It's time to set up boundaries that you can work on over time. I'm tough about these things but you have to protect yourself and your son at this point. You're doing what's best for everyone and you are certainly NOT selfish.

Happy Mother's Day darling girl! Big hugs.

EM

Are you concerned that H may be abusing substances beyond weed? His erratic behaviour makes me wonder. If he is mixing weed and / or something else as well as pain killers, this could explain some things. You don't have to disclose here, I just wanted to put it out there for you to consider at some point.

[MissMel]

Em,

Happy Mother's Day to you too!

Im fairly confident that there are no other substances involved, although his prescriptions for pain are for medications most people would never in their wildest dreams consider taking.

Im having a really difficult time keeping my feelings from taking over my life.

Have I tried hard enough? Have I jumped to the last resort first? Why hasnt love been enough?

The guilt is consuming me.

Mel xx

[ecomama]

Oh MissMel you darling girl! YES you have given 'enough'!

NO you haven't jumped to the 'last resort' first omg you have been twisting yourself in veritable knots over this situation for a very long time. Maybe 7y ago you may have been doing the last resort first IDK and I am not here to judge anybody for making safe plans for them and their child. Mel, no.

Your love IS enough. You have extended so much love to H, so much caring but I don't want to make you cry, so let's imagine something different... for a moment...

Imagine you in male form (lol... cute, but you know, a MAN)… hard working, a devoted partner, a loving parent, a person brimming over with love and caring, doing EVERY LITTLE THING you ask for at any given time. THIS man wraps you up in love all day and all night. Buys you takeaway when you're tired without you asking lol. He is your stalwart supporter. Your very own cheer squad. He sees a Dr when he needs to and keeps his life pretty clean!

Wow, what a gorgeous guy, right? That is you and THAT is the kind of man YOU deserve. A man to walk with you and appreciate you. He just loves you.

H might be that man but he isn't at the moment. You are leaving for all the right reasons. You are leaving to feel safe. To be safe. To get space. To get help. To sleep in a bed. You need this because H is down a hole, with a rope tied to you and he's pulling you in to that hole with him. That's not fair. It's not fair on you or your baby boy. Your boy needs his mama to be ok. Your family need you to be ok and most importantly you need you to be ok. We need you to be ok too! Your future life, whatever that looks like, is waiting for you. Not for one nanosecond think you are making a mistake. It could be the best decision you make..

Darling girl, I had to leave an abusive H with no hopes at all of being with anyone else. I was done. But I met someone who gives me more love than I have ever experienced. At my old age lol and with my baggage longer than a freight train lol. He is the man I described above. You deserve him, well not mine, one about 30y younger maybe lol!

Ask the Mel 10y from now what you should do. Imagine her... have a talk with her.

You got this.

BIG HUGS!
EM

[Guest909]

Hi Mel

Strong pain medications can cause significant mood swings, especially if abused and taken with weed and/or alcohol.

I suspect the medication your husband is on may in part explain his behaviour. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, but it might explain a lot of the problem.

You will get through this!