Feelings of guilt after break up

Amali · ‎11-11-2014

I'm 4 months into a bad break-up. He was my first love and we had big plans for marriage and children.

He has sent me occasional messages saying he wants to talk as he's not coping well, and a week ago he called and left a message saying he really needs to talk.

I 'm trying my hardest to keep no contact as this is the second time in 2 years we have broken up and I want to stay strong this time as I know I can never trust him again.

What i'm struggling with is feeling guilty for ignoring him when he reaches out, as I think he needs help that I can't give him, I cant help him through it because I'm trying to deal with it myself.

He thinks talking will help both of us but I think it will only make it harder. I've told him this in a text. But I think he will try to contact me again.

He told me that losing me is the same as losing his mum 2 years ago, and I know that break ups can feel like a death, but he's had a double hit of losing 2 important people in his life and I still care about him. This doesn't change the poor way he treated me and I have given him too many chances.

I am also so so terrified of running into him. Thoughts of him with someone else flood my mind and cause a lot of anxiety, I know it's inevitable that I will eventually see him with another partner but I know I wont be able to handle it, it makes me so sick.

I know it's not healthy to avoid going out and living my life, but at this stage I feel if i saw him I will spin out of control and I'll be ringing him trying to work things out when I know its beyond repair this time.

Any advice will be helpful

Thanks

Amali

Geekaboo · ‎12-11-2014

Hey Amali,

I think I'm in the opposite situation as you lol but I think I can help.

Break ups take time and it sounds like your ex betrayed your trust or something fairly serious happened for you to want to end the relationship for good this time.

Speaking as someone who was dumped quite recently, I'm glad my ex did not answer all of my pathetic text messages after the break up. Your ex is not thinking clearly at the moment, trust me, I know, and neither are you. You are both trying to make things easier for yourself at this point, and in his case he thinks that having you will make things easier because it will ease his heartbreak. But we both know it wont fix the problem.

It sounds like he has had some traumatic things happen in his life, but newsflash - so has everyone, I'm sure you've been through hard times too, and we don't always have a partner when big things happen.

If you are anything like me, my first love took over my whole life and I didn't have a lot of support around me when that relationship ended, but don't worry, you WILL get through this! I promise.

Keep up the no contact, he will say anything to get you to talk at this point until he starts to heal. As for not going out for fear of running into him, don't stop living your life because of this. You need to get out, maybe try doing things you wouldn't normally do or hanging out with some new people or friends you haven't seen in a while. Trust me, he's more scared that he'll see you with another guy than you are of him which is why he keeps calling.

And as for seeing him with someone else, you're right, it probably is inevitable, but you'll find someone else too, someone who won't cause you such heartache

I hope this post finds you well - good luck xoxo

geoff · ‎12-11-2014

dear Amali, thanks for posting this comment, as there seems to be a hell of a lot that made you make this decision.

Losing your first love must be devastating, however, there are always prevailing circumstances which has made you do this.

I don't know why, but can I say to you that even if you do happen to see him with someone else, then there's every chance what he did to you, he will no doubt do to the next person and then the person after that, so it's an ongoing problem for whatever he did.

I f you want to continue this conversation, and I certainly hope that you do, then please get back to us, because there is so much that is hurting you. L Geoff. x

KatieJ · ‎12-11-2014

My only advice is it does get easier... it did for me atleast.

My first love... high school sweet heart. Dated for 4yrs and I knew we would be together forever. That was all I had planned. Things slipped and I wasnt being treated right. I tried to leave and he would attempt anything to keep me there. So much emotional abuse and controlling behavior.

I finally made it out at 18, I actually ended up trying to make him hate me so it would be easier... but it didn't work.

He got diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks after I left, then his closest relative died the week after that.

All I wanted was to help him. All he wanted was my help. But it wasn't my place anymore. It tore my heart out. Without me there he found help... was treated and beat cancer and has turned his life around. Despite his claims he couldnt live without me.

When its finished sometimes you just have to walk away. Its hard to heal if you havent let go.

P.s... if you see him and you cant handle it yet... just walk away. He will move on one day and that will probably always seem weird... the beauty is you will move on too!

Amali · ‎12-11-2014

Thanks Geekaboo! Your message really helped me. I'm sorry for your heartache too. It was really good to hear it from the other side. Yes, without going into too much detail he told me many lies and manipulated me into staying and putting up with his behaviour. There was one incident that tipped me over the edge but really I should have walked away a lot sooner.

Living in a small town makes it hard, but I think I will build in confidence and hopefully realise that someone else will treat me much better.

I hope you can find a that as well. Thanks again.

Amali · ‎12-11-2014

Thanks Geekaboo! Your message really helped me. I'm sorry for your heartache too. It was really good to hear it from the other side. Yes, without going into too much detail he told me many lies and manipulated me into staying and putting up with his behaviour. There was one incident that tipped me over the edge but really I should have walked away a lot sooner.

Living in a small town makes it hard, but I think I will build in confidence and hopefully realise that someone else will treat me much better.

I hope you can find a that as well. Thanks again.

Amali · ‎12-11-2014

Thanks Geoff,

yes I try and keep telling myself that I can't change him and he will probably behave the same way with others, I also don't wish that upon any one else so hopefully he can Learn from his mistakes. It's a hard balance of remembering the bad times in order to move on and also thinking that it wasn't all bad, I fell for him for a reason but ultimately people change and that teaches you to move on.

Amali · ‎12-11-2014

Thanks Geoff,

yes I try and keep telling myself that I can't change him and he will probably behave the same way with others, I also don't wish that upon any one else so hopefully he can Learn from his mistakes. It's a hard balance of remembering the bad times in order to move on and also thinking that it wasn't all bad, I fell for him for a reason but ultimately people change and that teaches you to move on.

Amali · ‎12-11-2014

Thanks KatieJ. Glad to hear it does get easier. Sounds like we both experienced an unhealthy manipulative relationship. And that's all I know, as he was my first love. Not sure how fresh your break up is but I hope you've found better. I just can't imagine living someone as much or more than I love him.. Starting again is terrifying.

Amali · ‎12-11-2014

Thanks KatieJ. Glad to hear it does get easier. Sounds like we both experienced an unhealthy manipulative relationship. And that's all I know, as he was my first love. Not sure how fresh your break up is but I hope you've found better. I just can't imagine living someone as much or more than I love him.. Starting again is terrifying.