Feeling unloved in a loving relationship

S2018 · ‎16-01-2018

My boyfriend and I are in our 20s and have been friends for years, but only recently decided to become a couple. It has been absolutely amazing; he's caring, considerate, funny and honestly the most generous person I've ever met. I was drawn to him the moment I met him and when he told me he felt the same way about me since the beginning of our friendship, it was probably one of the happiest moments of my life. We've been dating for a few months now and both love each other very much, but for some reason I can't shake the feeling that I love him more than he loves me. He is wonderful and showers me with adoration, compliments and support and we are overall so, so happy together. Even still, I sometimes I get upset because I feel lonely or jealous, like he doesn't really love me or that he's going to leave me for someone better. I know this is 100% in my head due to my insecurities and I've talked through my feelings with him on multiple occasions (he's always understanding and listens patiently), but even after we talk and I feel better, this feeling always seems to come back. I've never had this issue with any other relationship I've been in, and I really really like this one so I don't want it to implode due to my internal problems! I'm usually a very secure and laid back person, but for some reason I can't seem to just be the normal me - I've turned into some paranoid and emotional version of myself that I don't particularly care for.

I guess I'm here partly to vent about my frustrations around feeling this way and partly to ask for some advice - how can I get over my insecurities and just let him love me without doubting him? I know that my insecurity around him leaving me is probably eventually going to push him away, so it's just a vicious cycle! I really want to stop it and just let myself be happy.

Thank you to any kind strangers who take the time to read this.

bindi-QLD · ‎16-01-2018

Hi S2018,

I'm happy to hear you have found a good relationship with a compassionate man who loves and understand you. I like how you were friends with him first.

Regarding dealing with anxiety and jealous feelings, try to give it a bit of time, you are a new couple and security deepens with shared experiences and love over the years. You are going through an adjustment period, I think its normal to realize how much you love and value your boyfriend, and then start to want to feel safer. As time progresses, you will want to feel even more safety, that never goes away. But try to identify what it is that makes you feel safe, and communicate that to your best ability.

I wanted to ask you, during your friendship during those years, was he dating other girls ? And he says now, he was in love with you the whole time? If that's the case, then have you considered that could be what triggers your jealousy now- he was telling those girls he loved them. And behind their back, he had a `friend' that he was in love with. That would make you wonder about his friendships with other women, don't you think? It not necessarily a rational fear, and he would genuinely love you, I'm sure. But I also think your `fearful' response is not altogether illogical. Just a thought anyway...

Jessicatherese94 · ‎21-01-2018

Hi S, I think a lot of this might be due to how you feel about yourself. It sounds like you aren't very confident within yourself, is there a reason that you might feel this way? I don't think it's necessarily about your boyfriend at all but the way you feel about yourself - sometimes if you don't believe you deserve the love you are receiving then you might feel anxious or worried as you've described. Do you think that could be what's happening? You deserve love and to be in a loving relationship. I know it's hard but if I were you, I'd really just try to enjoy your time together. Thoughts such as "he's going to leave me for someone better" are not going to accomplish anything. You just have to believe that you're enough, that he loves you and that he's happy to be with you - after all he's given you no indication of feeling otherwise. If you think this is about your self esteem maybe you can talk to a counsellor/psychologist about the way you're feeling. What do you think? Sending you love.

Katrina_22 · ‎22-01-2018

Hi,

Im so sorry that you feel this way but It's good to know that i'm not alone. I feel the way you do as well. My boyfriend and I were friends for years before we got together and now that we are together I cant seem to shake the thought that now that we are together he will think 'oh... is this all there is?'.

I think you and I both need to understand why we feel the way we do and to work through them. I've booked into see a counsellor on Wednesday and I hope you do aswell, sometimes its better to vent your feelings to someone who doesnt have an already developed opinion on the situation.

Sometimes when things are going so well your brain tricks you into thinking you dont deserve it so you search for reasons why you dont deserve it.

Remember that you do deserve love.