Feeling so alone

[Phoenix1976]

Hi all,

First time poster. I suffer from major depression, and have been on and off meds for a number of years. I had been in a long term lesbian relationship with someone who has their own incurable disease. The first few years were really hard as she was having problems with her illness. We got through that, but I always thought she didn't love me, and would leave me when someone better came along. It was a rocky relationship. 2 years ago we broke up, my depression was a problem, my anxiety and insecurities were also a problem. We stayed living together with her paying me rent. I have a large mortgage, we have a number of animals together, and just after we broke up I was made redundant. My job was a major contributing factor to the depression, and I have never wanted to go back into that industry again. I have been working casually since, in a job I like, but one that doesn't pay enough. She has now found someone new, and will be moving out in a few months. Everything has just hit rock bottom. I am so stressed about not being able to pay the mortgage, about feeding the dogs, about everything, but most of all our friendship is now in the toilet as well. She's seeing her new girl most nights a week, I feel so very very alone. I have friends but none of them are close. I've pushed them away, lashed out at them, and lashed out at my ex. I have ruined just about every good friendship I have had because of this hideous depression. I don't want to be unhappy, but I make everyone around me unhappy. I have so many regrets, I could of communicated with her better, could of saved the relationship, or atleast tried to work it out, but I didn't. I am just so unmotivated to do anything. Looking after the dogs is a struggle, I do it, but it's hard, and I keep looking at them thinking they would be better off with someone else, but they are all I have. I don't want to lose them too. I don't want life to be so hard, it's not what I would even call a life, I am just going through the motions. In the past 2 months I have lost about 10 kg as I am just not eating. I don't want to spend money on anything as I will need every dollar I earn to pay the mortgage. I just don't know where to begin in getting better. Most of all, I really miss the support I was getting from my ex, I don't have it anymore, and I feel so alone.

[Wednesday]

Hell no, of course it hurts.

Sweetie, isn't there anyone you could get that hug from? People are amazing and if someone rocked up at my doorstep saying I messed up, I miss you and can we be friends again I'd be hugging them an instant.

It is and your will be okay. It is just this moment. You're right she has moved on and you can't expect anything from her, especially since she has a new relationship.

Back to baby steps, have you fed the dogs? have you eaten? Okay both covered?

All you have to do now is let the doggies sit at your feet and look at you adoringly or throw them a ball. If it's cooler can you maybe take them for a walk around the block to fill in time before you go to see the doctor?

My dog is keeping a close eye on me in case there is even the smallest of chance he will be going out, umm I'll see what I can if my legs are working a bit better later.

Here is virtual hug, take great care of yourself. xx

[h12]

Totally agree with everyone Wednesday said!

I think that it's a classic symptom of depression to beat yourself up all the time, to tell yourself your friends just don't want you anymore, to think of yourself as worthless. But your friends won't share that view of you. If that's something they would do, you probably wouldn't have become friends with them in the first place. I think there's a lot of acceptance these days that depression is an issue that needs to be taken seriously and most people will jump at the chance to genuinely help someone out who they know is depressed. So I would say take a bit of a chance, and ask one of your friends if they'd like to grab lunch or dinner with you one day. If they don't hug you, just hug them!

When we are depressed it's so difficult to imagine ourselves being any other way, and vice versa.

Here's a virtual hug from me

[Phoenix1976]

Thanks for the kind words, support and virtual hugs. I went to the Dr this afternoon. She is atleast supportive. Could barely get anything out I was that bad, she did most of the talking. Gave me some meds, not ones I have been on before, but she wasn't happy putting me on medication which is what I have found that works. She wants me to see a social worker which I'm not too sure about.

Re the friend situation. I tried to contact one around new year, not much joy there, just brushed off a bit, not much more than a polite, I know it's hard but try and stay positive. I was really close to her for a while, but issues with her partner (jealousy) pushed us apart, I lashed out and told her what I thought, and well, friendship lost. I tried to confide in another this morning, no, I didn't turn up on her doorstep, but I told her I screwed up, needed help and was in a bad way, it wasn't a phone call, which I guess it should of been, but again, no response. I'm not great on the phone anyway, and I was in tears.

[h12]

Well done for getting to your doctor, personally I find seeing my GP gives me a sense of relief, acceptance and even achievement. I'm not too familiar with the scope of a social worker's work, but if your GP thinks that they might be able to really help you then maybe it is worth a shot, maybe at a minimum having someone else to see could ease the feelings of loneliness.

Also, give yourself a massive pat on the back for contacting those couple of friends even if you didn't make a lot of further progress. With the second friend though, maybe they are just taking a bit of time to think about how best to respond to you and they will still reply - this sometimes happens in similar cases for me. I struggle with the phone too! I tend to avoid it at all costs, and don't worry in the least if you need to use other methods of contact.

Everything you're doing gives me a strong impression that you are very willing and very very able to get better. A lot of people with depression can accept it as being an ongoing state but you don't strike me as being such a person.

Have another virtual hug from me for persisting so well with so many challenges

[Wednesday]

Hi Phoenix,

Well done, gold star! Going to the doctors was a great move not a baby step at all a leap, woo hoo!

H12 (sorry I don't think we have met before but hello, good to meet you) said all I would. Aside from I think the social worker is about finding a practical way forward with the financial problem ect you are concerned about. Sound like a good idea to me. I hope the new meds kick in soon.

How are the doggies. My little one was attacked by a big dog earlier today and is feeling a little sore and sorry for himself. It was horrid to watch but I'm sure he will pick up okay in a few days. Much TlC required.

Lots of hugs, xx

[Phoenix1976]

I'm just worried about the social worker coming in and pushing me into doing something I don't want to do. I have a few dogs, I don't want to lose my house and be forced to rent, I won't be able to rent with the number I have, I have more than 2.

The dogs are good. They are liking the cooler whether. My Jinx is my rock at the moment, they all like to snuggle, but she will curl up in my lap (no easy feat for a 27kg dog). She's my little jelly bean, wish I could be as happy as her, if she's not snuggling she's wagging her tail like its going to fall off.

Sorry to hear that your little boy was attacked. Did you visit the vet? Sometimes there may be little to no marks on the dog but they are hurt more than you realise.