Feeling lost in relationship

[Hyacinth09]

Hello, I've been feeling really down lately. I met my boyfriend when I was working in the UK and I'm in Australia, due to Covid, we've been separated for nearly 2.5 years. When I left the UK I wanted to come back to the UK, but now I'm having doubts. I've been quite unlucky with finding a job, and have been living with my folks for 2.5 years. They've been supportive but I'm at an age (30) where I should be living my own life but I can't have my own life because I haven't been able to find a job, afford to move out, and establish my sense of self and identity. Lately, I was offered what I thought would be an ideal job. It's in the industry I wish to excel in. However, because there were several red flags, I turned it down. Initially I thought I made the right decision but now, having some slight regrets. My BF said he would support me even if I took the job but obviously he's happier, because I turned down the job as he believes it would mean I will get back to the UK quicker.

Ever since turning down the job, I've been feeling really low and have been crying for the past 3 days. Even though I told myself I made the right choice, nothing seems to motivate me, nothing feels right, I feel regretful of all my choices. I quite literally sit and watch the day go by. I told my BF how I felt, how I wanted to re-connect with my identity and just wanted some alone time to re-discover my sense of self as I've been denied this for quite some time. By nature, I'm an introvert who likes being alone.

He didn't take it well, even though he knows I've a big decision to make in whether to move back to the UK. He said I was holding on to him until I find something better, he pushed me to set a date of my return which I told him (so he would get off my back). The other issue is our age gap, he is heading towards retirement while I should be, if things actually had worked out for me career-wise, I should be making serious career decisions or at least have established myself in my career. He keeps telling me he can't wait any longer and I said to him to forget it if he just wants someone to be on the same "life journey" (someone his own age).

I've stayed in Australia for longer than I have intended (thanks to pandemic) and now am feeling "settled back" in Australia and the prospect of returning to the UK is dimmer than 2 years ago. I feel suffocated; after I told him my problems with feeling lost, he's pushed me to make a decision about returning to the UK. Am I being unfair?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hyacinth09,

We’re sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and going through such a difficult time with your partner. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.

It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here (11am-midnight AEDT). You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships.

Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members soon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Hyacinth09]

Hi Sophie, thank you for your prompt response and for your assistance. I think I may need some advice on communication, as I am by nature, don't do quite well with communicating feelings and needs.

[Guest_2503]

Hi Hyacinth,

I hope you are doing well, this seems like an extremely tough decision for you to make. I think what's most important is working out what you want first and foremost. Do you want to return to the UK to be with your boyfriend? Or would you rather stay here in Australia and break off the relationship? In my opinion it is quite unfair of your boyfriend to push your decisions like this but at the end of the day the decision is yours. What is your heart telling you to do? Do you want a future with your boyfriend?

Keep in touch xx

[Sparkly_and_light]

Hi Hyacinth09

How are you going? I feel really awful to know you’re feeling so lost and sad at this time.

from what you have written, it sounds like you’re caught between circumstance (covid) but also wanting to plant your feet on the ground in a way that is right for you.

It is certainly a hard situation to be in. I can’t help but note you’re feeling sad and perhaps this is a sign that you might need some change?
keep talking to your partner, even if it is hard and if you can share this with your family, talk to them too. It’s always helpful to talk and sometimes saying these things out loud really helps bring clarity.

the world of jobs is tough currently, would you consider a small compromise in your work? Perhaps a job (even if it’s not in your field) would be a really practical way of getting closer to your goal of independence. It might not be what you’re after, but it might give you some structure, and some money to start putting aside so you can make some plans- but also help you feel like you’re moving forward - and who knows! Maybe while you’re making some pocket money in a job (one that’s not your favourite) the perfect job will come your way! And you can take on that opportunity.

keep listening to yourself, your heart and your truth - and hang in there. Sometimes our hardest times give way to opportunities and progress we don’t know is in just around the corner.

I’m of a similar age to you and my parting advice is, don’t be too harsh with yourself, be kind and take the time you need to make your life decisions.

take care and do something nice for yourself today 🙂