Feeling Lost, Helpless & Like I Am Going To Lose My Husband.

[Dee81]

I am 33 hubby is 37 and we have been together for 12 years, we have been married for 4 years and been trying so desperately for a baby with no luck.

Earlier this year my husband was extremely sick, we were not sure what was wrong with him, if it was life threatening etc... it took 4 months to get a diagnosis and thank god his illness is something that can be controlled by medication.

In July we started IVF to make our dream of being parents become a reality... I was 1 week into the medication for our IVF treatment when he decided to leave me, he says he doesn't know if being with me is what he wants, he says he has been unhappy for 12 months and looking at it now I see the signs of the start of depression back then. I am completely heart broken as he is my other half, he completes me... and I just realise how deeply in love with him I am. He says he loves me and he cares for me but can only be friends with me right now and he is not hopeful that our marriage will work, I am sure that this is from the depression but right now I am doing it tough... I cannot loose him to this... he's having a medication review and will be organising a psychologist who was recommended by our marriage counsellor... feeling lost and sad right now!!

Shan81

[Snoman]

Hi Shan,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.  I hope we can give you the support you need right now.

While I haven't gone through IVF, I think it must be quite stressful in its own right.  Getting to that point must be a hard journey too.

I do understand your husband wanting to pull away from you.  While I obviously cannot say how he truly feels about you, I do know from experience that he may just be feeling like a failure as a husband - If he feels so horrible inside about himself, then how could you truly love such a horrible person? - Your kind words are just words of pity. - etc.

When your emotions get so screwed up, logic regarding those emotions can go right out the door.

Does this mean you two need to put a hold on the IVF for a while until he gets some control over the depression?

By the way, have a look through the Resources section at the top of this page.  There are some good info sheets under the Family and Friends section that I think would help you.

I also suggest he sees a GP.  The GP can put him on a mental health plan which will allow medicare to fund up to 10 sessions per year with the psych.

Sno

[geoff]

dear Dee, thank you for posting this personal message to us.

I have not had the experience of IVF but all I know is what has been televised on TV, and I do I have any 'friends' try and conceive by this,however what I have learnt is that it's a difficult and trying to have to have a child this way.

Sno has said some good remarks back to you, that your husband feels as though he has been a failure, and by feeling this way it creates depression, which I can understand, but he's not, he feels as though he is in capable of providing enough sperm, but there could be many reasons why it has been unsuccessful, and the answer to those I have no answer.

Depression makes us say comments that aren't true, and we really don't mean how we are thinking, so all I can say is wait until his medication has been  reviewed, but this won't change him instantly, because he needs so much to talk to a psychologist.

Deep down he loves you, I can see it from my side, but please keep in contact with us. L Geoff. x

[Dee81]

Thanks Snoman & Geoff, IVF is DEFINITELY off the cards at the moment!!

Medication review was on Tuesday, our GP squeezed him in... his medication has gone up another 50mg and he has now got another 4 psych sessions... (he has already had 6 with a different psych who after the 6th session didn't ask to see him again or anything).

While I am trying to be strong through this time it is difficult...as I to suffer from depression and anxiety... so it is nice to come here and have some support as I don't have any support anywhere else.

I will continue to support and help my husband because I love him more than he will know but he keeps pushing me away, he has moved back in with his parents and he has been with them now for 3 months... I just don't know where this is going.

Shan xxx