Feeling lost - can't seem to move on from this hurtful and painful relationship

[Flower1990]

Hi,

I just need to get this out so I can try to put this relationship behind me + move on. Today, I have been feeling really lost + upset. Background history: This was the first guy I was in a relationship with since my divorce (ended due to infidelity). At the start, everything was amazing + I fell in love with him pretty fast even though I was hesitant given what had happened in my previous relationship. I was with this new guy for about a year roughly when he cheated on me (apparently just kissed another girl) during an arranged meet up. He ended things with me as we were not in a good place at the time then ended up in a relationship with the girl he cheated with. At the time, we had been up + down a lot and I wasn't happy with how the relationship was going either. He presented with some narcissistic tendencies + made me feel sad a lot.

He wanted to be back with me after a few weeks but I was hesitant ofcourse, so he went back and forth between us. When she fell pregnant (not planned) , he was devastated because he said he wanted that with me, and it has been an up and down rollercoaster ever since. I still wanted to be with him but was so heartbroken that she was pregnant. I went back + forth between urging him to be with her to make it work + then still wanting him to be with me. It was all just a big mess/lots of lies.He claims to have always wanted to be with me and still does now but he just messed it all up. I tried to be with him again but felt I could never just forget about the past + move forward to be with him in the way I would want to be with someone. There would always be trust issues. We stopped talking a few days ago so we can move on.I just have all of these feelings of guilt, shame, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, go from hating him to missing him, to feeling bad for the other woman. He said that he isn't going to be involved with the child or her at all but he has said those things before + has done the opposite. I feel like going back to her will always be an option now because they have this child. Even writing this all down seems crazy.I still can't believe it all happened.I am just having a bad day + feel sad with everything that's happened.I wish I made different choices + wish that I can just put it all behind me + feel indifferent. This has been going on over the last year + a half or so since we initially broke up.The child is now about 7 months old.He also has another child who is 8 years old to another woman previously.

[Flower1990]

Thanks Katy

you have made me feel not so alone in this. I have felt like I should have been over this ages ago and havent really told many people about what has happened and what I am still struggling with because I dont think they would understand. A few friends know but thats it….I feel like everyone would just say “you know hes a jerk and doesnt deserve you so its time to move on”….but its like they just dont get it….trust me..I have feel frustrated with myself a lot and feel like an idiot for going back to him multiple times and wasting even more time when things have just gotten even worse! Its just been really hard to let this go….I am afraid of whats next for me….fear of the unknown….and its silly I know but sometimes I think what if I cant be happy without him in my life in some way and what if I always feel like this! Its crazy!

I just want to get over it sooner rather than later….I want a family and to just be happy 🙂

[sbella02]

Flower1990,

I applaud you for making efforts to move on, you're very strong. Don't worry, you're definitely not an idiot for going back to him. Humans crave familiarity. Your efforts to break the cycle, step into the unknown, and find the love you deserve will be very rewarding for you in future.

I would take his exes as an example of what the future may look like if you were to stay with him and have children with him. It's a reflection of his character, as there are plenty of men who are single fathers or have joint custody (etc., etc.) who are good, honest, and loyal people.

You'll definitely find a way to be happy without him! And if you need a little help in doing so, you've always got our support, and you can also seek help and advice from a GP, therapist, counsellor or psychologist if you feel particularly overwhelmed.

Take care, SB 🙂

[geoff]

Hello Flower, all the comments above me have been very good, so I hope I don't repeat anything.

When you look at this man do you feel you can trust him and that he loves you or does his look go straight through you and think about these kids and the other person he's had the affair with and can you believe what he has to say or pretending to say?

Could you go away for a couple of days, leave him behind and absolutely trust him that nothing would happen, it's not something I could.

Infatuation and surface love don't go hand in hand, there is always a disappointment.

Geoff.

[Flower1990]

Hi SB,

thanks for your reply! Yes, I really want to move on and have this not affect me anymore! Its all been really hurtful and toxic and unhealthy for a really long time now and I just want to be happy!

I know that if I stayed with him I would end up the same….with a child and abandoned which isnt what I want for my life at all! I just wish things were different…his character has been shown to me over and over and yet I think hes magically going to change and be better or go back to his ex and be an amazing partner and father for her…I know thats not reality but it enters my mind and makes me feel crap!

I know that surely ill be happy without him…I guess im just impatient and want to feel better and healed now

[Flower1990]

Hi Geoff,

thanks for your reply! No, I dont trust him at all….I think he does love me in his own way but I dont think thats enough for me or would be for anyone! He throws the word around like it means nothing….I want to believe him, but his past actions and even actions now prove otherwise…I dont think hes capable of truly loving anyone….its just really hurtful!

and yes, I feel like he pretends to get what he wants at the time…its very manipulative and damaging! Like I said, I just want to move on so him and this whole scenario cant hurt me anymore!

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi again

Can totally relate to everything you’re saying. I felt exactly the same - as though my ex would suddenly be an amazing loving partner - with someone else. But it’s not based in reality, and the best thing we can do is just take off the rose coloured glasses and remind ourselves of the ugliness instead. It will hurt and it will take time, but you’ll be better off for it.

My suggestions, if I may:

Go no contact, completely. Avoid all reminders and any places you might bump into each other. No social media stalking. No indulging romanticised thoughts - force yourself back to reality. Keep busy. Congratulate yourself for being strong. Accept that it sux - short term pain for long term gain.

All these things will speed up the process.

Katy

[Flower1990]

Yeah…its just horrible isnt it! I think the worst thing about it is all the lies…that hurts me the most! I know he cant change and wont better himself…but it still makes me so upset how someone I love can treat me that way…ill never understand! 😞

yes…im trying to go 100% no contact and stick to it this time so I can forget about this nightmare! 🤞🏼